Collage 196               H u m o u r N e t               15 DEC 95

Lawyers at work ...

LEXINGTON, Ky. (AP) - At the request of his defense attorney,
convicted child abuser Brice Hubbard dropped his pants in court
during his sex abuse trial to disprove his 9-year-old accuser's
claim that he has spots on his genitals.

(But don't those sorta things *heal* after a while?)

Judge James Keller agreed to let jurors see for themselves. Hubbard
stood in front of the jury Tuesday and dropped his pants.

(Rumors that, just before dropping his pants, Hubbard said, "And I
think I speak for defendants all over the world ..." were completely
fabricated. :-)

Jurors deliberated for several hours before announcing they were
deadlocked.

(I guess they didn't see enough evidence.)

Judge Keller then declared a hung jury.

("Jury hung; defendant not.")

Prosecutor Susan Blake said she hadn't decided whether to retry
Hubbard.

(Rumors that Miss Blake intends to be a juror for the next trial
are entirely untrue.)

Many thanks to Jim in L.A. for that news tidbit; he also sends this
gem:

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Superior Court Judge Alexander Williams III
agreed to disqualify himself from a civil lawsuit after ...  making
a gesture the men and their attorney interpreted as obscene.

The judge removed himself from the case after attorneys for the
plaintiffs filed a motion to have him disqualified.

(Well, one good motion apparently deserves another. :-)

Lawyers at work--how entertaining. And for a broader glimpse of our
legal professionals (?) at work, Kim presents us with an entire
Collage's worth of excerpts from J. M. Brallier's very amusing book,
_Lawyers_and_Other_Reptiles_. Kim also contributed the second piece
of this Collage--a series of jury-related quips, excerpted primarily
from "Reader's Digest."

Many thanks to Kim for all the lawyer material!

Enjoy ... And, as always, please don't sue me if you don't like it.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Lawyers At Work
(The following are excerpted from the book,
_Lawyers_and_Other_Reptiles_, by Jess M. Brallier)

"Come to Major Hopkins to get full satisfaction. I win nine-tenths
of my cases. If you want to sue, if you have been sued, I am the
man to take your case. Embezzlement, highway robbery, felonious
assault, arson, and horse stealing don't amount to shucks if you
have a good lawyer behind you. My strong point is weeping as I
appeal to the jury, and I seldom fail to clear my man. Out of
eleven murder cases last year I cleared nine of the murderers.
Having been in jail no less than four times myself, my experience
cannot fail to prove of value to my clients. Come early and avoid
the rush."

--advertisement for Arizona lawyer Major Hopkins, circa 1895

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

In 1971, an attorney filed suit in Pennsylvania against Satan and
his servants, claiming they had placed obstacles in his client's
path which caused his downfall.

To the attorney's dismay, the complaint was denied on the grounds
that the defendant did not reside in Pennsylvania.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

An attorney sued a meditation society and its guru because after
eleven years, his client still had never achieved the "perfect state
of life" they had promised.

For example, he was told he would be taught to "fly" through self-
levitation, but he only learned to "Hop with the legs folded in the
lotus position."

The lawyer secured an award of over $137,000 in damages.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

When a New York City man tried to commit suicide by throwing himself
off a subway platform into the path of an oncoming train, the train
stopped and he was only injured. So the guy's lawyer sued the
transit authority, claiming the "the motorman was negligent in
_not_stopping_the_train_ quickly_enough_."

The lawyer settled out of court for $650,000, even though in the
midst of negotiations his client threw himself off another subway
platform, once more failing to kill himself.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

In 1989, after a Long Island, New York, man was convicted of
murdering his wife's parents and teenage brother, a lawyer convinced
the court that his wife should pay her husband's legal fees of more
than $100,000.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Just before a McKeesport, Pennsylvania, man was found guilty of all
charges connected with burning the hands of this three children over
a gas stove, his lawyer pointed out to the judge that, after all,
"he could have killed them...."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Defense attorney Elijah Miller, defended his client, John List, who
systematically executed his mother, wife, and three children, by
claiming: "He committed these acts with love in his heart."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Then there's the lawyer who in 1980 bragged that while en route from
New York to San Francisco to take care of a matter for IBM, he used
the airborne hours to work on a General Motors case--and billed both
IBM and GM $250 an hour for the time he was airborne.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

As of July 1990, the Manville Personal Injury Settlement Trust was
depleted of funds because lawyer fees consumed 40% of the trust--
and this after claim payments were made to only the first 22,386
asbestos workers and their families. As a result, 130,000 more
claimants will have to wait 25 YEARS until the trust refills.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

When a Decatur, Georgia, man was charged with having tortured and
killed 77 cats, he blamed the matter on stress caused by his failure
to pass the state bar examination.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument for
his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had
never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's
clock and, pointing to it, announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim
of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk
through the door of this courtroom.

A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited
for the dramatic entry.

But nothing happened.

The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching
the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear
proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to
whether a murder was actually committed." Tickled with the impact of
his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await
acquittal.

The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten
minutes with a guilty verdict.

When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed
lawyer chased after the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you
convict? You were all watching the door!"

"Well," the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door.
But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the
door."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

In 1989, the lawyer for a Long Island woman--who was in prison for
having hired a hit man to kill her then-husband--filed suit against
the ex- husband for failing to make monthly support payments. The
lawyer argued that just because his client tried to kill the guy,
that didn't relieve him of his obligation to support her.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

In 1964, a woman was injured by a San Francisco cable car. Her
lawyer claimed the accident turned her into a nymphomaniac. She won
$50,000.

[Editor's Note: ... uh, on second thought, scratch that. :-) </vs>]

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

In 1978, the attorney representing a convicted murderer sued the
state of Indiana for transfer to a women's prison on the grounds
that his client's sentence of life imprisonment in an all-male
prison was cruel and unusual punishment because it imposed upon him
a lifetime of celibacy.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

In Montana, a law student who recently flunked out of law school
because she failed her constitutional law course sued, claiming that
the school's action was unconstitutional.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

When Ravalli County, Montana, fined itself $350 because one of its
truck drivers committed a loading violation, it paid the local
lawyers hired to prosecute AND defend the county $1,175.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: If You're Not Smart Enough to Get Out of Jury Duty ...

The following are excerpted from "Reader's Digest":

It was my first time on a jury, and the case involved an executive
accused of embezzling millions of dollars. In pre-trail selection,
the defense attorney posed a delicate question to a prospective
juror.

"Have you ever been accused of taking anything from your employer
that you were not entitled to, Mrs. Smith?" the stern-faced lawyer
asked.

She responded, "Do you mean other than my paycheck?"

(Contributed to "Reader's Digest" by Gary Lemmonds)

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Retired federal judge Lawrence Irving, who sat in San Diego Superior
Court, tells of a fellow judge who knew that a sequestered jury was
in troubled when he received a note from the jury foreman. It read,
"How many votes does it take to be unanimous?"

(Contributed to "Reader's Digest" by Ron Lauderbach)

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

The Philadelphia Inquirer, in a roundup of the year's events, gave
its "Latin Prize" to a local TV newswoman. She reportedly had
called the district attorney's office to ask how to get to
"Absentia," in which she had heard a murder trial was being held.

(Quoted in "Reader's Digest" from Herm Albright in Beech Grove,
Ind., Perry Township Weekly)

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

(This actually happened!)

Counsel: Can you participate in an endeavor in which the ultimate
result might be death by lethal injection?

Potential juror: Yeah, I guess I could do it if it was on a
weekend.

(Excerpted from the book, _Lawyers_and_Other_Reptiles_,
by Jess M. Brallier)

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