Collage 198               H u m o u r N e t               20 DEC 95

Several years ago, when I was an undergrad (we won't discuss exactly
how many "several" is :-), I overheard a young co-ed (*) talking on
a pay phone in our dorm's lobby. Somewhere in the conversation, which
was presumably with a parent, she defended herself from one of the
273 staple parental challenges with the following statement:

"I do *so* know what the 'real world' is all about ... I've been on
my own for SIX MONTHS, now!"

(Not coincidentally, the "six months" time frame corresponded with
the start of the Fall semester.) Well, for all of you who are "on
your own" out there (and quickly closing in on this year's major
hiatus from the reality-avoidance system), we have what is probably
the final (sorry--didn't mean too use that word) All-Student-Humor
Collage. This one, however, is geared more toward the graduate
student...

The first piece, "Top Ten Reasons For Attending Grad School," is,
for some reason unbeknownst to me, submitted anonymously.

Once you've convinced yourself to attend grad school, you can check
out the "New Courses For Spring '96," provided by Adam (of Adam's
Humor List).

And, of course, those courses will require you to fill out a "Student
Satisfaction Survey." This collection of purportedly actual responses
is credited to Lorraine. (And, from someone who taught for four
years, I can tell you that they're probably real. In fact, many of
them looked suspiciously familiar...)

Finally, you will have to write a thesis or a dissertation before
you can receive your honorable discharge. And the "Graduate-Student
Chain Letter," provided here by Matt, can be of significant value in
the preparation that work--otherwise known as "What I Did During My
Vacation From Life."

Enjoy! And pay close attention ... there will be a quiz at the end.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

(*) The American Heritage Dictionary defines "co-ed" as:

co.ed or co-ed (ko'ed) Informal. n.
1. A woman who attends a coeducational college or university.

This definition is, of course, not entirely accurate. A "co-ed" is
an *attractive* girl who attends (or perhaps just spends a lot of her
time at) a college or university. If she ever attended college, I'm
sure no one referred to Roseanne as a "co-ed."

Just wanted to clear that up. :-)
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Reasons For Attending Grad School

10. Wanted to see if obnoxious people only existed in the real
world.

9. Cravings for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese dinners.

8. Priesthood requires additional vow of chastity.

7. Internet not available at Burger King.

6. Missed the free exchange of ideas found at all campuses.

5. No Friday classes in grad school.

4. No morning classes in grad school.

3. I can stay up as late as I want.

2. Pillow fights with other grads make it all worthwhile.

1. Currently pays better than real-world alternatives.

[Editor's Note: I'd make these additions:

* I was getting way too much sleep before.
* That whole "reality" thing was a real downer.

</vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New Courses For Spring '96

SELF-IMPROVEMENT
SIMP 500 Creative suffering
SIMP 501 Overcoming Peace of Mind
SIMP 503 Guilt Without Sex
SIMP 505 Ego Gratification Through Violence
SIMP 506 Molding your Child's Behavior Through Guilt and Fear
SIMP 507 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
SIMP 508 Whine your Way To Alienation
SIMP 509 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation
SIMP 512 How to Relax and Let your Lawn Grow
SIMP 513 Classic TV Guide Literature
SIMP 514 Recalling Bad Jokes
SIMP 515 Reciting Monty Python
SIMP 516 Repair and Maintenance of your Virginity

BUSINESS AND CAREER
BACA 501 How I made 100$ in Real Estate
BACA 502 Money Can Make You Rich!
BACA 503 Packaging and Selling your Children
BACA 504 Career Opportunities in El Salvador
BACA 505 How to Profit from your Genitalia
BACA 506 The Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
BACA 507 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
BACA 508 Looters' Guide to American Cities
BACA 509 Mortgage Reduction Through Arson
BACA 510 Retirement as a Career for Ages 16 through 26
BACA 513 Tricking your Mother for Money
BACA 514 Daring to be a Beggar
BACA 515 Gambling your way to prosperity
BACA 516 Impersonating a Doctor

ECONOMICS
ECON 501 Europe on 5000$ per day
ECON 502 Pen and Pencil repair
ECON 503 Convert your KIRBY Vacuum to a Fully Automatic Rifle
ECON 504 Convert your Family Room into a Garage
ECON 505 Burglarproof your Home with Cement
ECON 506 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
ECON 507 Sinus Drainage at Home
ECON 508 1001 Uses for your KIRBY Vacuum
ECON 509 Financing your KIRBY Vacuum
ECON 510 Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
ECON 511 Christianity and the Art of R.V. Maintenance
ECON 512 Cat Hair Macrame
ECON 513 What to Do with your Conversation Pit
ECON 514 Inexpensive Lawn Care Through Cement

HEALTH AND FITNESS
HELF 501 Itchy-gitchy-goo-Kwon-Do: The Martial Art for frady cats
HELF 502 Creative Tooth Decay
HELF 503 Exorcism and Acne
HELF 504 The Joys of Hypochondria
HELF 505 High-Fiber Sex
HELF 506 Suicide for your Health
HELF 507 Understanding Female Nudity (already full)
HELF 508 Biofeedback and how to Stop your Heart
HELF 509 Skate Yourself to Regularity
HELF 510 Understanding Male Nudity
HELF 511 Tap Dance your way to Ridicule
HELF 512 Dressing Right/Dressing Left - it can change your life
HELF 513 The Braille System of Anatomy
HELF 514 Impersonating a Doctor (also BACA 516)

ARTS AND CRAFTS
ARTC 501 Bad Modern Art Appreciation
ARTC 502 Old Architecture: GOOD! New Architecture: BAD!
ARTC 503 Self-Actualization through Macrame
ARTC 504 Needlecraft for Junkies
ARTC 505 Cuticle Crafts
ARTC 506 Gifts for the Senile
ARTC 507 Bonsai your Pets
ARTC 508 How to Draw a Navel
ARTC 509 Stained Glass for your Car's Windshield

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Student Satisfaction Surveys
(Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991)

"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it
all on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English
should proofread it."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's
the way I felt all term."

"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."

"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope
my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."

"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then
solidarity kicked in."

"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started
drinking and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in
all directions -- no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led
Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets than I
would have used for the text."

"What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality
paper.'"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Graduate-Student Chain Letter

This letter was first written by a graduate student in Europe in
1954 and has traveled around the world at least 16 times. At first
I wouldn't believe that it would work, but after trying it, I am now
a believer in its mystical and magical power.

This letter was received by a graduate student in Chicago, IL, in
1973 and within two weeks, he had completed a 5600 page doctoral
dissertation and began a career which lead to a Nobel Prize. A few
years later, another graduate student received this letter and sent
it to 5 of her friends, and she too completed a 3100-page paper
which continues to grow to this day!

Simply write five pages of text on the given subjects for each
person on this list. Than place your name in slot #1 and move
everyone else's name down one space. Send this letter to ten of
your colleagues, and within a month, you too will have a thesis or
dissertation which your advisor can choke on if he doesn't go blind
or break his back first.

1. Bernard T. Donovan, M.S. student in biochemistry
"EPR Spectroscopy of Crud from My Refrigerator"

2. James C. Messier, PhD. student in political science
"The Cuban Missile Crisis: What if Nixon were president?"

3. Frances K. Allen, M.A. student in music theory
"Development of Polyphonic Forms from Gregorian Chant"

4. Penny S. Jordan, PhD student in computer science
"Is Windows 95 Merely Mac 84?"

5. Thomas J. Quinn, MBA student
"Bears and Bulls in the Stock Market, But What About Sox and Cubs?"

The last person who received this letter and did not respond was
tormented by receiving 100-level teaching assignments until he was
40 years old. Today he works as a clerk for the Little-Plastic-
Pizza-Table Museum in Cleveland, OH, making minimum wage and
regretting his terrible decision to not perpetuate this letter.

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