Collage 199               H u m o u r N e t               21 DEC 95

A Baltimore, MD, television news program recently aired the following
"headline" for that evening's upcoming news show:

"MAN SHOT BY TELEPHONE POLE"

Film at eleven?

Like almost every other major city in the U.S.--a country where we
have more laws to protect criminals than victims--crime is really
getting out of hand. But, until now, the utility poles had pretty
much stayed out of it.

Baltimore really is largely an intellectually indigent city. That's
certainly not intended to be an indictment of *everyone* who lives
there--but the majority of the residents haven't earned the title
"Baltimorons" for nothing.

Take, for example, their pronunciation of the word "ambulance." The
rest of the civilized world (well, the English-speaking part, anyway)
pronounces it, more or less, "AM-byoo-lints."

Not in Baltimore; here, it's an "AM-ba-LANCE."

The first time I heard that word after moving to the Baltimore-
Washington area, I really had *no* idea what the person was talking
about. But I learned to just grit my teeth and accept it as their
own rather unique pronunciation. And I hoped that these people
didn't travel much, so the rest of the world didn't have to know
about this.

Then, about ten years ago, there was sizable train wreck in
Baltimore. I was driving through New Jersey and listening to the
news updates from Baltimore as the situation developed. Everything
was okay until they cut to a live report from the emergency-medical
crew on site, and an EMT said, "Yeah, it's pretty bad here, we've
got about sixteen AM-ba-LANCES on the scene..."

Well, I figured, the cover was blown. They had now advertised it to
the world. The universe, in fact. That transmission is still
traveling through space--currently a sphere about twenty light-years
in diameter--hurtling itself toward unsuspecting aliens at the speed
of light. Surely, somewhere out there, an alien is listening to that
broadcast, shaking his head, and saying,

"Baltimorons."

Is it just the "ambulance" thing? No. On another recent news show,
the weatherman referred to a cold front moving down from Canada as
an "Artic" blast. He then sighed, and added, "Or, as some people
say, an 'Arctic' blast" (pronouncing the first "c" this time).

Um, excuse me, Mr. Weatherman, but it's "as some people *correctly*
say ..."

To be fair, it's really not just Baltimore. A year or two ago, one
of the major breweries here in the U.S. ("Coors," I think) released
a new beer named "Artic Ice"--spelling error and all. Now, just think
about how many separate steps there must be in the approval process
to bring a product like that from concept to market--and that
spelling error survived every one.

OTOH, they might have used a Baltimore advertising agency...

(On an interesting note: Shortly after they realized their rather
egregious mistake, a spokesman for the brewery said that the spelling
error was, in fact, intentional. I guess they figured that the
average beer drinker would suffer a severely attenuated level of
product recognition if the name were spelled correctly.)

Okay, we're not here to teach people to speak (already covered that
topic in Collage 25). But do me a favor: The month of February is
fast approaching; as you listen to radio and T.V. commercials/
personalities/news shows over the next several weeks, take note of
how many times you hear the word "February" pronounced correctly--
that is, with *two* "R"s. I've been counting for about three years
now. And I'm still at "zero."

And speaking of speaking, Collage 199 focuses on What They're Really
Saying ...

Brenda presents us with "The Doctor's Vocabulary," a handy set of
medical terms and their translations.

JD, always willing to round out our technical skills, provides us
with the "Computer Terms" piece.

Christie send some "Standard Phrases for Academic Appraisal"--along
with what they *really* mean.

And Steve (from the "humour-list") provides us with some "All-New
Terms," including a couple of seasonally-appropriate selections.

Well, there you have it. And if you put a "ricks" in "asterisk," a
"k" in "et cetera," or an "it" in "realty," just don't tell them
that you know me. Thanks. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Doctor's Vocabulary

To assist those of you unfamiliar with the communication methods
used by the medical community, the following compilation should help
to illustrate some typical translations:

When the doctor says: "One of several things could cause your symptoms."
What the doctor means: "I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with you."

When the doctor says: "Are you certain you haven't had this before?"
What the doctor means: "Because now you've got it again."

When the doctor says: "I'd like to run that last test over."
What the doctor means: "The lab lost your sample."

When the doctor says: "This prescription has a few side effects."
What the doctor means: "You may experience sudden hair growth on your
palms."

When the doctor says: "Your insurance should cover most of this."
What the doctor means: "You'll have to sell your house to cover
the rest."

When the doctor says: "Let's go over your symptoms once more."
What the doctor means: "I can't remember who you are."

When the doctor says: "How long have you had these symptoms?"
What the doctor means: "How do you feel about living with them the
rest of your life?"

When the doctor says: "It looks like bursitis."
What the doctor means: "Does the name "Quasimodo" ring a bell?"

When the doctor says: "This won't hurt much."
What the doctor means: "Did you bring a bullet to bite?"

When the doctor says: "There's a lot of this going around."
What the doctor means: "And we'll give it a name as soon as we
figure out what it is."

When the doctor says: "We'll just remove this ingrown toenail."
What the doctor means: "A cane and orthopedic shoes should help."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Computer Terms

BUG -- an elusive creature living in a program that makes it
incorrect. The activity of debugging ends when people get tired of
doing it, not when all the bugs are removed.

FEATURE -- a bug that the programmers did not care to remove...

CACHE -- a very expensive part of the memory system that no one is
supposed to know is there.

DESIGN -- what you regret not doing later on.

DOCUMENTATION -- instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese
for English-speaking persons.

HARDWARE -- the parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

INFORMATION CENTER -- a room staffed by professional computer people
whose job is to tell you why you cannot have the information you
require or why you're not supported.

MACHINE-INDEPENDENT PROGRAM -- a program that won't run on any
machine.

MEETING -- an assembly of computer experts coming together to
decide what person or department not represented in the room that
must solve a problem.

PERFORMANCE -- a statement of speed at which a computer system
works. Or rather might work under certain circumstances. Or was
rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.

PRIORITY -- A statement of the importance of a user or a program.
Often expressed a relative priority, indicating that the user
doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated
less badly than someone else.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Standard Phrases for Academic Appraisal

Productive researcher: Publishes students' work under own name

Prolific writer: Publishes identical article in different journals

Research oriented: Can't teach

Teaching oriented: Can't research

Loyal: Unemployable elsewhere

Conscientious: Appears on campus more than three times a week

Charismatic: Gives frequent TV interviews

Exceptionally well qualified: Has a degree from the same university
as the Dean

Committed to the university: Appears at every cocktail party

Slightly below average: Hopeless

Listens well: Has no original ideas

Shows great promise: Is related to the Dean

Internationally recognized: Likes to go to conferences

Active socially: Drinks a lot

Career minded: Buys drinks for the Dean

Remarkably intelligent: Listens without yawning

Regular attendance: Can't find work as a consultant and/or unhappy
home life

Visionary: Can't handle paperwork

Qualifies for salary increase: Still breathing

Popular with students: Finishes lectures early, drinks at pub,
never fails anyone

Very popular with students: Does all three

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: All-New Terms

AGE OF CLAUSABILITY (ayj' uv klaw' za bil' ih tee) The point at
which we stop believing in Santa.

AIRPUNT (ayr' punt) Any of a series of kicks that advances one's
baggage toward the airport counter.

AULDLANXIETY (old lang zi' et tee) (n.) Experience of waking up on
New Years' Day and wondering how much of a fool you made of
yourself.

DENNIDIOTS (den id' ee uts) (n.) People who actually fill out those
"How-was-the-service" exams on the backs of restaurant checks.

DUNKEN HACKEN (dun' kin ha' kin) (n.) Violent coughing attach
brought on by inhaling the powdered sugar on a doughnut.

FIGFORCE (fig' fawrs) (n.) Mysterious magnetic force that holds two
or more Fig Newtons together.

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage199>