Collage 200               H u m o u r N e t               22 DEC 95

Poul in Denmark (the Kingdom of) mentioned that some of the holiday
material I've been using this season does not have much of a
"worldwide" appeal. Well, there's a good reason for that: I'm in
the U.S. Primarily, this means that I'm in close touch with U.S.
events, and, thus, better able to comment on them. But it also
means that I'm in a better *position* to do what I enjoy most:
poking fun at people/events/etc.--and, hopefully, without getting
flamed for it.

But since Poul has been kind enough to provide me with some fodder
for holiday fun, I can "go international" for a change.

Apparently, the Denmarkians (I like that more than "Danes," which
sounds too much like Denmark is inhabited by dogs.) (See? This is
why I stick to U.S. topics. I just know I'm gonna burn for this
opener.) (BTW, using the term "Danes" would not be confusing for
people living in Baltimore (Collage 199), who refer to dogs of that
breed as "Great Dames." Makes me think of the women who shop for
clothes in those stores that have extra-wide aisles...)

I digress.

Apparently, the Danes still celebrate Christmas Eve by placing
*real* candles (the kind with *flames* at the top) on their
Christmas trees--which are also real (read: FLAMMABLE--just like my
butt's gonna be when this Collage gets sent). And, according to
Poul (yeah, let *him* take the heat for this), we're not just
talking one or two candles here, but TWENTY OR MORE *real* candles
on their *real* trees.

You see the problem, I'm sure.

The Danes have this pervasive problem of waking up on December 25th
to find an unusual amount of wind and sun filling the charred
remains of what used to be the house.

Apparently, "pattern recognition" isn't their strong suit.

Poul goes on to say that their insurance companies accept this as
"normal risk," and pay in full on the claims.

If that were the case over here, people would be lighting their
Christmas trees with flame-throwers. "Yup, weirdest thing ya ever
saw, Mr. Insurance Adjuster. One minute, we had our happy little
abode, just five full floors of fully-furnished living space--oh,
did I mention the brand-new Ethan Allan furniture?--with a full-size
Steinway, an indoor tennis court, and a light sprinkling of
Jacuzzis--oh, and a helipad on the roof--and the next minute,
'Whoosh!' whole thing burned right to the ground. Terrible, I tell
you, just terrible. Was the nicest home in the entire trailer park ..."

Poul adds that "to use electric candles--or, worse, colored electric
candles--on the tree is considered to be the ultimate in bad taste."

Well, that pretty much sums up the state of affairs here in the
U.S.: "the ultimate in bad taste." OTOH, *we* visit with friends on
Christmas Day because it's an opportunity to fraternize, not because
it's uncomfortable standing outside in the cold amid the charred
ruins of the house while wearing only pyjamas or underwear (or less).

To make matters worse, though, the Danish fun doesn't stop there.
If you somehow managed to survive Christmas without burning your
house to the ground, you get a *second* shot at it on New Year's
Eve. According to Poul, the hip Danish way to ring in the new year
is to set off fireworks. Okay, that's cool so far--sure, Darwinism
takes its toll on fingers (and lives), but it's hardly extraordinary
behavior.

But those thrill-seeking Danes also use something that Poul refers
to as "table bombs," which, "if they work properly, will scatter
confetti or flags all over the house, and burn a hole in your table
cloth."

Why does this *not* sound like an intelligent practice?

Worse yet, "some people do not read the instructions, and set fire
to what they believe are table bombs, but which are actually
fireworks to be used outdoors at least 50 meters from the house ....
Again, you can read in the papers about a number of burned houses."

Okay, now lemme get this straight: We have Danes--who presumably
have a predilection for indoor explosive ordnance--lighting this
stuff on the kitchen table, WITHOUT FIRST CHECKING TO SEE IF IT'S
THE INDOOR OR **OUTDOOR** VARIETY?

I guess there's something to be said for these practices: namely,
the average I.Q. of the surviving population on January 2nd must be
at *least* five to ten points higher than it was on December 24th.

Well, Poul wishes us all a very merry Christmas and a happy New
Year. I wish him the same, and also add that I hope he finds himself
alive, well, and still living in the same house on January 2nd. :-)

(Another long opener--sorry.)

In this "Holiday Humor" Collage (probably not the last of the season,
either), we offer five entertaining pieces:

Perri provides us with "Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines--Version One."

And Lorraine augments that submission with "Top Ten Santa Pick-Up
Lines--Version Two."

Shawn, the Bawdy.Net moderator, sends us the "Hanukkah Top 10"--a list
of reasons why Hanukkah is better than Christmas.

Lorraine (again) helps us figure out how to pay off those topped-out
credit cards with the "Paying Off Those Holiday Bills" piece.

And, finally, Shawn closes the issue with a piece that is surely
urban legend. But, despite its doubtful veracity, "Cat Story" is
still one of the more entertaining tidbits I've read in a while.

Many thanks to this Collage's contributors, and a special thanks to
Poul for the "Denmark" material.

Merry Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines--Version One

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

8. I've got something special in the sack for you!

7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

6. I know when you've been bad or good--so let's skip the small talk,
sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>

4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs.
calls it ...)

3. I see you when you're sleeping--and you don't wear any underwear,
do you?

2. Screw the "nice" list--I've got you on my "naughty" list!

1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines--Version Two

10. I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly.

9. I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge.

8. I've got something you can hang a wreath on.

7. One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!

6. Buy you a Zima?

5. That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you.

4. Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers.

3. I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!

2. Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of
love!

1. I've got an elf in my pants!

========================= H U M O U R N E T ========================

SUBJ: Hanukkah Top 10

10. There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special."

9.  Eight days of presents (in theory anyway).

8.  No need to clean the chimney.

7.  There's no latke-nog.

6.  Burl Ives does not sing Hanukkah songs.

5.  You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.

4.  You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."

3.  No barking-dog version of "I Had a Little Driedl."

2.  No pine needles to vacuum up afterward.

1.  Blintzes are easier to mail than fruitcakes.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Paying Off Those Holiday Bills

Vocabulary Skills Necessary to Function in the PART-TIME Job
That You Got in Order to Pay Off Those Holiday Bills:

1. May I carry these groceries to your car?

2. Paper or plastic?

3. Where do you need this mop?

4. Is that all?

5. Will that be cash or charge?

6. Sorry--this checkout just closed !!!

7. Regular or decaf?

8. Let me check your oil?

9. Do you want a roll of film or double prints?

10. Is that for here or to go?

11. Regular or light?

12. Bottles or cans?

13. Price check on register six!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cat Story

The following story is being related by a couple of young ladies
here in Higginsville, Missouri. I thought it deserved wider
distribution.

The two ladies were shopping in Kansas City last week. Afterward,
they decided to eat at the Olive Garden--where they found a
freshly deceased, freshly run-over cat in their parking space. One
lady is especially, perhaps unreasonably, fond of cats. She could
not stand the thought of leaving the dead cat there, so she took one
of those brightly-colored shopping bags the stores give out this
time of year and put the cat in it. She intended to take it home
and give it a proper burial. But for the time being, she put it on
top of the trunk of their car. Then the two women went into the
restaurant.

They ended up being seated in a raised area of the restaurant, where
they could see their car and also could see the people waiting to be
seated.

Eventually, a nicely-dressed woman walked by their car, saw the bag
on the trunk, and stole it, slipping it quickly under her coat. The
thief then went on into the restaurant. There is a round fountain
there, around which people sit while waiting for a table. The
woman with the bag under her coat sat on the steps of the fountain
for a while. Our young ladies watched her closely. Apparently, she
couldn't resist looking at her prize. She furtively opened her coat
and took a peek.

She fainted. The management called 911. The ambulance arrived and
the woman, who was still unconscious, was taken out on a gurney. As
the paramedics were wheeling her out, someone said, "Wait, here's
her package." They placed the brightly-colored bag on her stomach
and took her to the ambulance.

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