Collage 201               H u m o u r N e t                2 JAN 96

Hi, folks! We're back on line here at HQ HumourNet, after what was
easily the *busiest* holiday season I've ever seen. Luckily, the
mailers were pretty quiet. Except for people who were catching up
on their HumourNet mail.

Marc mentioned that I missed several Baltimorisms in my "Baltimoron"
opener (Collage 199)--things like "warshing machine," "Warshington,
D.C.," and our own local favorite, "Balmer" ("Baltimore"). And more.
However, as I mentioned in the opener, I was not trying to give the
topic a thorough treatment--having already done that in Collage 25--
but was merely having some fun at the expense of the intellectual
proletariat. :-)

Speaking of which, someone wrote to me to say that some people speak
the way they do out of preference.

Sorry, but "preference" is not a justification for illiteracy. Some
people eat sweat socks out of "preference" (over, say, corn on the
cob), but we don't exactly look upon *that* as acceptable behavior,
do we?

:-)

Sweat socks?

Yup. Check it out (from the "Warshington Post"):

"After three weeks of throwing up, cramps and back pain, a 22-year-
old Seattle woman went to the emergency room.

"The doctors were perplexed until the woman's boyfriend disclosed
the key clue: She gnawed on athletic tube socks 'to relax.' Half a
sock per evening was her usual dose, the patient acknowledged."

WHAT???

"An X-ray showed a large mass in her stomach. It turned out to be a
bezoar, a hardened 'hairball' that can accumulate in the stomach or
intestines when a person has pica -- the habit of eating things that
aren't food."

So, lessee here: this woman ostensibly chews on athletic socks to,
um, "relax." Every night. Half a sock, perhaps with a glass of warm
milk--ya gotta use *something* to wash those socks down. (Speaking of
washing ... I wonder whether these were *new* socks or, uh, <yuck>,
never mind.)

Okay, back to the socks: half an athletic sock a night to help her
"relax." (I guess sex didn't work.) Then she starts vomiting, and is
having cramps and back pain. And--silly her--she can't figure out
what could *possibly* be wrong. Better yet, I'm sure the doctors
asked her all the usual questions:

"Eating regularly?"

"Yes, every night."

"Changed your diet recently?"

"Nope. Still using Interwoven."

Then, after *three weeks*, the boyfriend--apparently just slightly
brighter than our heroine--mentions to the docs that, oh, by the
way, you might want to throw a tube sock or two in with her evening
meal, or she might have trouble getting to sleep.

This is *exactly* the reason I could never be a doctor: Stress. Not
from the pressures of people's lives hanging in the balance, weighing
on your every decision, but the stress causes by the un-Hippocratic
desire to strangle your patient.

OTOH, I have no such problems here as HQ HumourNet's list mod--if
anyone gets on my nerves, I can just go read my mail for a good
laugh. And while most of the mail that I receive can be categorized
into "thematic" Collages, I often receive jokes that must be cast
into the "miscellaneous" pile. So, this first Collage of the new
centennium (made that up) is a collection of miscellaneous jokes
that I've received over the past few months.

So, taking kudos for their respective jokes are the following
HumourNetters:

<deep breath>

Noel for "Your Basic, No-Frills Joke";

Shawn (the Bawdy.Net moderator) for "Cannibal Humor," "Harley Humor,"
and "I Hate It When They Do That";

Jackie for "Um ...";

Kim for "Misc Humor";

Lorraine for "Psychic Doom";

Geoff for "More One-Liners From the 'Net";

Venky in India for "More Redneck Humor";

Sergio for "The Importance of Having a Good Hand";

Chris for "The English Re-Invasion";

Dusty, my resident D.J. in Ireland, for "Similarities Between Jesus
and Elvis";

Charlie for "More Humor";

and Jim in L.A. for the news item used in this opener.

Whew! Many thanks to *all* the contributors. And for everyone: Happy
New Year, and enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Your Basic No-Frills Joke

Q: What has four legs and flies?
A: A dead horse

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I Hate It When They Do That ...

Snapple Iced tea just came to Australia after a phenomenal success
in the USA. The advertising billboards read:

"Drink Snapple - Tested on Americans"

*  *  *  *

Seen at a local auto mechanic's shop ...

SHOP RATES:

 Basic labor rate $40 / hour
 If you wait . . .$60 / hour
 If you watch . . $80 / hour
 If you help . . .$100 / hour
 If you laugh . . $140 / hour

[Editor's Note: I saw this one posted in a rigger's loft (for the
whuffos in the audience, a rigger is someone who packs reserve
parachutes):

Cost / Quality / Speed
   (Select Any Two)

</vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Um ...

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from the
County jail? The APB (all points bulletin) went out:

"SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Misc Humor

* She was so ugly, Freddie Kruger had nightmares about HER.

* Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has
been turned off until further notice.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cannibal Humor

Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Harley Humor

Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum
cleaner?
A: The position of the dirtbag.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Psychic Doom

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going
to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything
about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next semester--in her biology class."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More One-Liners (".sigs") From the 'Net

Warning: Dates in the Calendar are closer than they appear.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Learn from your parents' mistakes--use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Position Available: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Old programmers don't die--they just stop getting upgrades.

"Can I have my gloves back now?" - OJ

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Redneck Humor

You are probably a redneck if ...
You think "eau de toilette" is a replacement for toilet paper.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Having a Good Hand

Q: What's the similarity between sex and bridge?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The English Re-Invasion

Q: What will it take to re-unite the Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.

Q: Why can't you relieve yourself at Beatles concerts?
A: There's no John.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Humor

* I owed the government $3400 in taxes, so I sent them two hammers and
a toilet seat.

* A woman sneered at my suede jacket and said, "You know a cow was
murdered to make that jacket?" I replied in a psychotic tone, "I
didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
too."

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