Collage 202               H u m o u r N e t                4 JAN 96

First, my apologies for the lack of a subject line in Collage 201.
(Long story.) I tried to re-send it with a proper subject line, but
the listproc is just too good: it apparently recognized the duplicate
message and deleted it. :-(

(Sometimes, ya just wish computers weren't so darned smart.)

Also, a quick "thanks!" to Jim in L.A., who provided the news story
for the opener in 201.

(It's really been a rough week. 1996 can only get better from here.)

Well, apparently Collage 200 -- quickly becoming known as my
"Denmarkian" opener -- was very well received. And Poul, the
Denmarkian who provided the info, has informed me that he and his
family awoke on Jan 2nd safe, sound, and inside a fully-intact
house. Moreover, he has already started receiving fan mail ...

(I think my next 'Net venture will be a message-relay service, helping
people get together over the Internet.) (Speaking of helping people
get together via the 'Net, a good friend of mine here in Washington,
D.C., will be traveling to Amsterdam and Copenhagen late next week,
and would like to meet up with some of the local folks over there to
get a non-tourist's perspective on the local scene. If you live in
either of those areas or know of anyone who does, contact me here at
HQ HumourNet, and I'll forward the information to him. Thanks!)

Finally, there *was* *no* Collage issued yesterday (sorry). So don't
panic; you haven't missed anything. Yet. However, to make up for it,
we have an unusually large Collage today. But then, it discusses an
unusually large topic: Political Correctness.

Is it my imagination, or has the "political correctness" (PC) movement
finally gotten out of hand?

For those of you who are thankfully unfamiliar with the PC movement,
it's basically a carefully-contrived method of convincing yourself
that absolutely everything in the world is somehow offensive to you.
Unless, of course, you're a white male -- in which case, *you're* the
one doing the offending.

(Heck, many of us *like* it that way. :-)

But PC really does breed insecurity. In fact, it takes insecurity to
entirely new heights, as you'll see later. It's out of control -- and
I think that the only way to stop the trend is to adopt their methods.

Consider this a call to arms.

You, the gentle readers of HumourNet, are the army of the Non-PC. You
must be. You *can't* be PC.

You have a sense of humor.

We must adopt the insecurities of the PCers (no, not the insecurities
of people using "Windows" systems -- pay attention here) and use them
to wage war against those people whose crania are inextricably
implanted between their glutei.

The seed for this idea was Lorraine's too-scary-to-really-be-very-
funny "PC Guide Update," sent to me earlier this week. The idea
blossomed this afternoon while I was shopping in a department store.
I had just completed my purchase when the old lady behind the counter
(well, "old lady" really isn't a very nice term) ... when the vintage
chick behind the counter said, "Hang on just a second and I'll get
you a bag, hon."

Hon? *** H O N ***???

Who does she think she is? I'm not her "hon"! Heck, my FATHER isn't
old enough to be her "hon."

She has no right using a demeaning term like "hon" with me. I'm not
just some piece of meat in window! I have a brain (well, arguably)
and a complete, fully-developed personality (which you can read about
in the January issue of "Psychology Today") -- but do women ever make
it beyond the stark good looks, the bulging biceps, the sharply-
chiseled facial features? (Alright, I'm making this up. But just try
to go with me on this one, okay?) Apparently not -- they're all too
busy thinking with their ovaries. They think we're just good for
making a living and solving non-linear differential equations. And
programming VCRs. And connecting speakers to stereos. And balancing
checkbooks. And lifting heavy things. And helping make babies.

Well, I've had it. I will not be called "hon" or "boy" ever again. I
will stand up for myself. I will *not* allow total strangers to treat
me as nothing more than the sex object that I really, secretly, way
down deep, wish I were. :-) I will not allow terms like "boy" to be
used in my presence -- whether referring to me or not -- for I am a
grown man (really?), and I refuse to be sent back into my childhood.

(Unless, of course, someone can find a way to *actually* send me back
into my childhood. I think I can do pretty well on the math tests now.)

But I can't go it alone. I need to mobilize the HumourNet Army to
fight for the rights of the downtrodden, the oppressed, and the
persecuted. That is, people who have a sense of humor, and have
better things to do with their time than analyze every aspect of
their environment for potential offense.

If you're not concerned, you should be. And if you should be, then
you *will* be by the time you read Lorraine's "PC Guide Update."
(Sure, I'm joking about the rest of this stuff. But the "Update"
*really is* pretty scary!)

For those of you who actually *need* an introduction to the "PC"
concept, the "Update" is preceded by a severely-abridged version of
the "PC Primer," as provided by Matt. (This one originally appeared --
and can still be read in its full, unabridged glory -- in Collage 11.)

Once the "Primer" and "Update" have you up to speed on the local PC
scene, Dave's "Politically-Correct Humor" piece provides an example
the type of material that HumourNet and the other lists will be
running in, say, two or three years (if the PCers have their way).

It's the first (and -- let's hope -- the only) "Politically-Correct"
Collage. Many thanks to this issue's contributors.

Now go out there and start getting offended!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The "PC Primer"

Q: What is P.C.?

PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct
philosophy believe in increasing the tolerance for a DIVERSITY of
cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles.
Political Correctness is the only socially- and morally-acceptable
outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted,
biased, sexist, and closed-minded.

Q: Why should I be PC?

Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of
life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are right,
and that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of
oppression.

Q: I am a white male--can I still be PC?

Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.

Q: Why?

If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for
practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide
and plaid sport coats. That means that YOU are partially
responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the
scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose
ancestors your ancestors oppressed.

Q: How?

It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you
think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.

Q: How do I know if an action is non-PC?

Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying
something insensitive so that you can have that person removed
from society. The guideline is as follows:

Is the confrontation between two white people?
 Yes -> The liberal is right.
 No -> The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

Remember, many seemingly obvious issues--such as the railroading of
Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint
Mary's University Caribbean Society shut-down--are really race
issues.

Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper
articles you can make into race-bias stories. It's fun! Some
PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK
pamphlet!

Q: I've heard a lot about PC words to replace "Black," "Indian,"
etc.

Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we
think about people comes directly from the words we use to
describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be
judged by the color of their skin?

Q: You mean that they should rather be judged by the content of
their character?

No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are
from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or
wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can
even apply for special scholarships!

Q Hey, wouldn't a white person from Libya or Egypt technically be
an African-American?

Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we
mean. That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're
pretending that we aren't. Another example: a white South-
African immigrant is not an African-American (or either).

Q: What else do I have to be careful of?

Humor. We take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept
any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could
be a gender or racial slur.

Q: Give me an example.

"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor
for decades. Not PC--it can be taken the wrong way.

In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot
calling the kettle African-American?" Any racial jokes--or jokes
even mentioning culture or gender--should be omitted. True, this
mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price
you pay for social equality, justice, and that warm, fuzzy feeling
you get from knowing that you are undoing centuries of oppression.

Q: Is that all there is to it?

Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition
that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by
treating people differently based on their equal individualities.
Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or else you're an intolerant,
racist, sexist, insensitive pig.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: PC Guide Update
From "The Official Sexually Correct Dictionary and Dating Guide"
by Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf

"DATING DON'TS AND DON'TS"
(A Handy Checklist for the Politically Correct 90s)

Here, just in time for spring, is a list of things that are now
against the rules, according to the sex-and-dating police. Read
-- and memorize -- this information to avoid lawsuits, dismissal
from work, expulsion from school -- or worse!

LIP-LICKING, TEETH-LICKING, AND PROVOCATIVE EATING. All these (and
more) are on a list of "unacceptable gestures and behaviors"
distributed at the University of Maryland at College Park.

STANDING TOO CLOSE. Standing too close is one of a long list of
"sexually harassing behaviors" that Susan Strauss and Pamela
Espeland caution us "have been reported in U.S. high schools."
(Others are MAKING "VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT CLOTHING" and "WEARING AN
OBSCENE HAT.")

ATTENDING PERFORMANCES OF "ROMEO AND JULIET." London school official
Jane Hardman-Brown refused to take her students to see "Romeo and
Juliet" on the grounds that it was a "blatantly heterosexual love
story." (It's not clear whether Hardman-Brown wants the play
rewritten to celebrate alternative lifestyles, or would prefer to
have it banned altogether.)

EXCESSIVE EYE CONTACT. University of Toronto chemistry professor
Richard Hummel was recently prosecuted for "prolonged staring" at a
female student.

INSUFFICIENT EYE-CONTACT. A handbook published at Barnard College
in New York warns male professors who fail to make sufficient
eye contact with their female students that their conduct is
"contributing to a biased atmosphere in the classroom" which may
cause women to "feel discouraged and/or physically threatened."

RECEPTIVE NONINITIATION. If a woman makes a pass at her male boss,
and her boss responds, he (not she) is guilty of sexual harassment,
according to Hunter College professor Sue Rosenberg Zalk. Zalk's
term for this underpublicized offense: "receptive noninitiation."

FORGETTING A WOMAN'S NAME. A report issued by a committee at the
University of Pennsylvania lists "women's names not remembered" as a
pernicious form of sexual discrimination.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. The Minnesota Department of Education
discourages "displays of affection in hallways" on the grounds that
such displays "may offend others" and are "heterosexist."

HAMBURGERS. Jeremy Rifkin, author of Beyond Beef, notes that "the
statistics linking domestic violence and quarrels over beef are both
revealing and compelling."

SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR. And finally this, from Robin Morgan, former
editor of Ms.: If a man's "self-deprecating humor" leads a woman to
initiate sex with him, then that man is -- in a "radical feminist"
sense of the term -- guilty of assault.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Politically-Correct Humor

GENERIC ETHNIC JOKE #1
Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
to perform a particular menial activity?

A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and
the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!

GENERIC ETHNIC JOKE #2
A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another
person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of
imputed stereotypical mannerisms.

The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes
associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark
that might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in
that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with
a double meaning; the first of which could be interpreted to
indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of
which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic
group.

The first person took offense at his remark and reacted in a
stereotypical way!

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