Collage 204               H u m o u r N e t               11 JAN 96

Check out this story:

"Girls Basketball Team Underwear Checked for Undercover Boys Players"

(I'm not making this up ...)

"OGLALA, S.D. (AP) - A girls basketball team had their panty
waistbands and bra straps inspected after a referee accused them of
having an undercover male player."

Huh?

"Scott Ten Fingers, coach of the Loneman School team, said he didn't
know about the examination at the time and no one gave permission
for it."

'Scott Ten Fingers'?

"A YMCA volunteer took the girls into a locker room, and each one
had to show their bra straps and the top of their underpants."

Okay, now let me get this straight: A high-school girls' basketball
team is accused of having a boy on their team. The school is named
"Loneman," no less, and the coach is named "Scott Ten Fingers." So
far, it's like a plot from a bad movie -- perhaps Disney.

Now enter the YMCA officials. One of them takes the girls in question
(questionable girls?) into the locker room, and "inspects" their bra
straps and panty waistbands ...

I'm sure that, by now, you're wondering the same thing I am:

HOW DOES ONE GET THE JOB OF BRA-STRAP-AND-PANTY-WAISTBAND INSPECTOR?

Look, if there's an opening, count me in.
[Bad choice of words.]

Of course, according to the story, the "inspector" was a "YMCA
*volunteer*." No surprise. Perhaps the announcement went something
like this:

"Would anyone like to help us out by inspecting the bra straps and
panty waistbands of the Loneman basketball team?"

The ensuing scene must have resembled a "Who" concert ...

OTOH, if anyone really had to *check*, we can only *imagine* what the
girls of the Loneman basketball team must look like ... :-(

Okay, enough fun for one night. A miscellaneous opener for a
miscellaneous Collage, thrown together at great haste and very little
expense ...

Dusty takes credit for the entertaining piece entitled, "Similarities
Between Jesus and Elvis."

Many thanks to Kim for "Reader's Digest Humor."

Adam (Adam's Humor List) sends us "The Advantages of Being Big."

Dave takes credit for "The Five Stages of Drinking" -- another
piece that has received a lot of air time lately.

And finally, kudos to Jim in L.A. for the "Loneman" news story.

Many thanks to all the contributors for this Collage. :-)

Remember, you might not be receiving a lot of HumourNet mail for a
while, so go catch up on all that reading you've been meaning to get
to. And ...

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Similarities Between Jesus and Elvis

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."
(John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for
breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to
Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden
Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as
snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate
Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron"

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a
gold plate.
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold
through TV.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "RD" Humor
(The following were published in various issues of Reader's Digest)

Classified advertisement spotted in the Stoughton, Wisconsin, Courier
Hub: "NordicTrack for sale. New, hardly used, now $250. Ask for
Chubby."

-----

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an
elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had
ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she
said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes
with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

(Contributed to "RD" by Taylor Benson, quoted by Alex Thien in the
Milwaukee Sentinel)

-----

From a Fall issue of Kitchen & Bath Custom Planner:

"GE's white-on-white catalogue offers a complete line of all-white
appliances. Send for a full-color brochure."

-----

At the end of a marathon shopping trip, I fumbled in my pocket for
my credit card to pay for a lovely blouse. "I'll have to resort to
this--I'm out of cash," I told the distinguished gentleman who was
waiting on me. Noticing his surprised smile, I glanced down and
realized that I had handed him the key card to my hotel room.

(Contributed to RD by Deborah Lynn Schnitzer)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Advantages of Being Big!

* You don't need as much water to fill your bath tub.

* You are easy to spot in a crowd

* You don't have to buy your clothes in the department with loud
rock music.

* You don't get many wrinkles

* No one challenges you to play leap frog

* You don't have sharp edges

* You will last longer than a thin person if you are ever lost in
the wilderness without food. (possibly the only diet not tried yet)

* You float better

* You automatically get your fair share of the bed (the covers are
another matter)

* You are never the one who has to squeeze behind the table in a
crowded restaurant.

* You can win at musical chairs (especially if you play with tiny
cowards)

* You never have to worry about whether you are getting to old to
wear a bikini

* Your toboggan goes faster, once you get it started.

* You get the arms on both sides of your theater seat.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Five Stages of Drinking

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to
leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends
buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level
one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long
as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20
minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again,
but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now
you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working
for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get
five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just
spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're
thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you
buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you
like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (Like, "Hey fellas, if
we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do
it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a
little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come
on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep ... and a
complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call,
you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf.
This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the
end of the bar -- just because you don't like his face. And now
you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best-looking man I've ever
seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get
thrown out, and one of you knows an ... after-hours bar. And here,
at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well ... as long as
I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well ...
STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind
going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll
turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I
get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ... cool.

LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money
back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named
Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a
bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as ... that morning.
It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta
turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine. I've got that brunch with
Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some
kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A
waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself,
"Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up
and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!" and passes out. You
crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level
five -- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never
do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their
way to work, or jogging. And they look at you, and they know. And
they say ...

"Who's Ruby?"

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