Collage 205               H u m o u r N e t               12 JAN 96

"Dashing through the snow
In a five-speed Subaru,
O'er the drifts we go
Four-wheel drive -- not two.

"Blades on snowplows ring
Scraping roadways clean,
What fun it is to ride around
In a four-wheel-drive machine!

"Oh, <deep breath>

"Chevrolet, Mercury,
We all know they blow,
What fun it is to ride and drive
A Subaru in the snow ..."

(I'll spare you the rest.)

We've been getting a lot of snow here in D.C. -- and, as you can
see, we're starting to get just little bit punchy right now.

As usual in these circumstances, there's not a grocery store anywhere
in the state of Maryland that still has milk, bread, canned soup, or
toilet paper. (Toilet paper? Is the snow *really* that scary?)

Everywhere, you can hear people talking about how "this is it,"
they're "moving to <fill in the blank w/your favorite warm-weather
location, Southern California being especially popular right now>."

And I got to thinking (since I'll be in San Diego next week) that
Marylanders are *really* a bunch of whiners. Southern California?
Oh, sure, you won't have to put up with snow down there. Just fires,
earthquakes, floods, mud slides, riots, and ludicrous verdicts. And
these Marylanders are going to move there to escape the moderate
snowfalls that we get about once every two or three years.

Yeah, right. I give them twenty minutes ... they probably won't make
it out of the airport before they find something to complain about.
Two days later, they'll be back here trying to buy back their houses,
begging their old bosses for their jobs back.

And trying to drive in the snow.

Unfortunately, many Marylanders *still* haven't figured out that
they're not particularly gifted at winter driving. Luckily, though,
most of their cars are still in the shop from the *last* bout of
inclement weather (Collage 197) -- and the rest are having trouble
just getting out of their parking spaces (a message from God, I
think) -- so we're seeing fewer than the usual number of abandoned
vehicles along the sides of the roads these days.

One thing that is still very noticeable, though, is the shell-shocked
expressions on the drivers' faces -- these people *still* haven't
figured out what hit them. A couple of nights ago, I was driving on
Route 95 South through Baltimore ("Balmer"); the average speed on the
road was about 40-45 miles per hour (about 70 KPH), despite the fact
that the road was pretty clear, and we *could* have safely been going
about 10 to 20 MPH faster. Then we came to the Harbor Tunnel, and I
figured we'd see the speed pick up once we were in the tube.

No such luck. These poor souls were so stressed by the winter-weather-
driving experience that they just continued to plod along -- INSIDE
THE TUNNEL! -- at about 40 MPH. Most of them didn't even shut off
their windshield wipers.

Well, for this "Tribute to Driving" Collage, I wasn't able to track
down anything along the lines of inclement-weather driving -- but I
*do* have a piece about driving in India, sent to me some time back.
Nothing about snow, but at least it provides the opportunity to laugh
at someone ELSE for a change. :-) Many thanks to Allan for the piece.

Also, we have a clever way to park your Rolls Royce -- safely and
economically -- in downtown Manhattan 'till the snow clears. (This
one is from Mark Baushke's "MDB Humor" list.)

It's the closest I could come to a Collage on driving. :-)

Happy bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Rules of the Road in India

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based
on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published
for the first time in English.

ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II
Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste
system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In
descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks,
buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps,
ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs,
pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods- carrying), handcarts,
bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim:
to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This
is the Indian drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet): Cars
(IV,1,a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, e.g. in
clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.

Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, e.g. to oncoming
truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we
shall both die." In extreme cases this may be accompanied by
flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means "I
have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognize,"
"There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through
my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning,
viz., "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no
intention of stopping, even if I could."

This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps (insouciant).
Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence
in Article II above

ARTICLE V
All maneuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until
the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall
wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all
times.

ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority.
So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane
discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and
irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the
road.

ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in
the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any
other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to
overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has
just overtaken you.

Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as
in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in
the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should
be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing--and one
inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has
reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: HUMOR: Rolls-Royce

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of
$5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's
underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked
to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in
principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man
wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow
$5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

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