Collage 206               H u m o u r N e t               15 JAN 96

First of all, a *huge* "thanks!" to Jim in L.A. for the news story
in Collage 204 ("Girls Basketball Team Underwear Checked for
Undercover Boys Players") -- which received some air time on a D.C.
radio station this morning (thanks, Jack!) -- and for the one I'm
about to abuse:

"Senator Upset About Applying Sales Tax To Newspaper Cartoons"

SACRAMENTO (AP) - A state senator doesn't find any humor in the fact
that the state is trying to tax cartoons sold to newspapers.

(Cartoons? Taxing CARTOONS? Before you know it, Hagar will be paying
*income tax* to the IRS ...)

"All I can figure out is that the Board of Equalization thinks
Californians laugh too much," Sen. Maurice Johannessen said in a
statement Friday.

(Probably from watching C-SPAN, not reading cartoons.)

"Cartoons and comics are sometimes social or political satire and
should be considered free speech," the Redding Republican added.
"To now put taxes on this freedom is an effort to take it away."

Okay, Maurice, we're starting to get just a little over-sensitive
about this cartoon issue. Sure, it's a bad idea, but you're a
politician -- you should be used to that sort of thing.

Let's just hope that they aren't taxed by the frame: That could mean
more "Family Circus" and less "Calvin and Hobbes." It could also be
bad for Bugs Bunny: a ten-minute cartoon is 21000 frames. Could get
expensive ...

Well, Collage 206 covers the "Cartoons" topic in pretty good detail.
(It's being distributed early since I won't be around next week to
send it out. And it's also one of the largest Collages I've ever
sent -- but it has to carry you for a week ;-) so it's *gotta* be
big.)

Jack sends us the "Cartoon Laws of Physics," a piece that has been
making the rounds on the 'Net over the past few weeks. This piece
lays the theoretical foundation for physics of "C Spaces." It also
prepares you (in some sense) for the next piece ...

"The Star Trek Crew Meets the Road Runner"

This one -- contributed by Adam of "Adam's Humor List" -- has to be
one of the most creative (and hilarious!) pieces that has wandered
across my electronic desktop in a long time. If you're not familiar
with the "Road Runner" cartoon (second, in this moderator's opinion,
only to Bugs Bunny), then skip the piece entirely. But if you're
familiar with the cartoon and you've *ever* seen so much as a single
episode of "Star Trek," then you're going to love this piece. (BTW,
if you dislike Star Trek, then you'll *really* go for this one.)

Enough prefacing. Many thanks to Jack and Adam for the material --
it's Collage 206, and it's in your mailbox NOW.

Enjoy! (And have a good week ...)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Cartoon Laws of Physics

Cartoon Law I
-------------
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
second squared takes over.

Cartoon Law II
--------------
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
---------------
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly
through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.
The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
--------------
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
or equal to the time it takes for whomever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, and the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
-------------
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
--------------
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A
`wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic
high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity
required.

Cartoon Law VII
---------------
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at
least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when
he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a
problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
----------------
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine
lives they might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but
they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self
pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

[Editor's Note: It's fun to try this with real cats, too. :-) </vs>]

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
--------------
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
-------------
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A
-----------------------
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a
pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with
great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B
-----------------------
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously
nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For
instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself
without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C
-----------------------
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries -- they merely turn
characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
-----------------------
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a
canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to
fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its
torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As
the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will
resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the
ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E
-----------------------
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which
cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe
which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space
would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta
are quite large (stick sized) and unstable. Such quanta are
attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in
"cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of
this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One
may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal
masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Star Trek Crew Meets the Road Runner

Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the
Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet -- in advance
of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be
breathable, but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life
forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our
chief officers except for poor Scotty.

Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently
while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a
loud sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by
Dr. McCoy he has been judged capable of continuing duty.

Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet.
While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurrence
took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt.
Sulu withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff
of smoke, immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to
Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although
Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black
powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship
for examination and quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate
that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at
great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the
creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study,
I attempted to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move
faster than the phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an
outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break
off and fall. Although it appears that several tons of rock fell
squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the ground but
apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain has
been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research
party.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on
the planet's surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research
party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure
Cooker for our lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.3. The strange occurrences that have
dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led
me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible
for them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return
to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he
feels we should be kept under observation. Mr. Spock has
constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract
the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed a dish
of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it. The
dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when
any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide,
eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of
transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our
leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the
surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was
indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish,
consumed the bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr.
Spock is as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw
in the design. I have sent out three search parties to see if we
can box the creature in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr.
Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been
temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men
somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set
just as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung,
and all four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air,
puzzled, just before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are
now trying to release them with phasers, as the lock was
inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot
as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers
it "fascinating."

Captain's Log, Stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the
creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down
from the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely
cunning manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual
intelligence. Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to
raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our
dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has
jury-rigged a system that will prevent the decay for a time, but it
is imperative that we find new crystals soon.

Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy
tricorder readings from an area of the planet in which the creature
has not yet been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr.
Spock, to the high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate.
I have begun to analyze the creature's movements. It seems to
travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a
tunnel it seems to pass through frequently.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of
ACME dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while
collecting them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr.
Spock plummeted several hundred feet to the ground below.
Strangely enough, they both survived the fall with no more than
raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did pass the chunk
of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. A rescue
excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the
ship with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he
forsees compatibility problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr.
Chekov led seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the
creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed
the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to
state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and that
Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the
unfortunate circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of
an old Earth-style freight train. He has been beamed back up to the
ship with minor injuries.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a
hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian
concentrate, a Theragram derivative, and some other items he found
in unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into
each member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the
creature on its own high speed terms.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the
strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured
dose of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a
loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally
pressured in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full
security team is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the
drug to wear off.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing
to engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on
its semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.

Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other
starships that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The
illogical events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple
science. If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of
this log, you will learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable.
We channeled full ship's power through the phaser banks.
Theoretically, the creature should have been destroyed; however,
the energies were too much strain for the ACME crystals. The full
force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her
completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete
failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support.
Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's
superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece,
falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet.
When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in
space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the
planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but
every crew member has reported nothing more than a sense of
uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several
hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual
drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually
wearing a resigned expression of perplexion. We are attempting now
to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove
intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to
it. Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the
wreckage of the ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder
marker up into space, where hopefully someone will find it. Captain
James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of Planets, Captain of the
Starship Enterprise, recording.

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