Collage 208               H u m o u r N e t               26 JAN 96

Whew! Sorry about the unscheduled HumourNet hiatus -- a "quick" trip
to New York City turned into a prolonged engagement. Apologies to
those of you who tried to re-subscribe, or sent me messages asking
what happened to the list. Speaking of which ...

I will be in New Hampshire next week, so we will have a *scheduled*
hiatus until 5 February (that's "February" with two "R"s -- the
well-known English pronunciation :-). I will hopefully get another
Collage out tomorrow before departing. (I'm considering a "Guest
Moderator" concept for future trips -- any takers? Only two
requirements: (1) You *must* be anal retentive about spelling,
grammar, punctuation, etc., and (2) you must have a good sense of
humor. Yeah, I know, I don't possess either of those qualities,
myself, but I'd still like to see them in my guest mods.)

Second, for those of you who are (were!) subscribed to our "sister"
list, "Bawdy.Net" (moderated by the highly-entertaining Shawn King):
Shawn suffered a little bit of a disk crash, and lost (among other
things) the entire subscriber list for Bawdy.Net. (bummer)
Unfortunately, he doesn't have a backup, so the only way to
reconstruct the user list is for everyone to re-subscribe. (bummer^2)

No backup? Make that, "Shawn King, the highly-entertaining-but-not-
too-terribly-bright Bawdy.Net moderator." :-) (Heh ... Shawn's about
twelve times my size -- I'm just lucky that he's on the other side
of the continent right now.)

Anyway, if you're a Bawdy.Net subscriber (or if you know of anyone
who is, then forward this message to him), please re-subscribe as
follows:

mail to: sking@direct.ca
subject: subscribe Bawdy.Net Your_name, Your_city, Your_country
body: subscribe Bawdy.Net Your_name, Your_city, Your_country

Notes: (1) Your_name is your real name, Your_city is your home town,
and Your_country is the organization that redistributes your income
tax at the national level. (2) Yes, the subject and body are the
same.

WARNING! The content on Bawdy.Net is -- as suggested by the name --
*very* risque/explicit/etc. If that type of humor bothers you, then
you should not subscribe. Really. Trust me on this. I work for the
government -- I'm here to help you. :-)

Okay, time to get caught up ...

Joseph (from Spacenet) sends this to update the "Clinton Deploys
Vowels to Bosnia" piece (Collage 207) -- now being dubbed "Operation
Vowel Movement":

"P.J. O'Rourke characterizes the Bosnian War as the Unpronounceable
shooting the Unspellable."

And, on the subject of Maryland drivers (Collage 197), Kate mentions
that I should "lighten up" on them, since "most of the bad ones are
transplants." I must admit to being initially taken in by that logic.
But then I realized that it didn't fit with my experience down here;
most of the bad drivers I know are *natives*. One of the better
inclement-weather drivers (that I know of in this area) happens to be
from Phoenix -- and THAT'S saying something!

Now, you could argue that *everyone* drives as badly as Marylanders
in the snow, but I would have to differ ...

While I was up in the NYC area this week, we had one day of *very*
light snow flurries -- just a dusting, really (you could barely see
the snow blowing around behind cars on the road). On Route 287, the
average speed was about 75 m.p.h. (roughly 120 k.p.h.), and no one
seemed to be having any major problems -- nor did the flurries seem
to affect anyone's schedule for the day.

Had this been Maryland, the average speed would have been about
45 m.p.h., cars would have been parked in trees, and stores would
have been sold out of milk, bread, and toilet paper.

Transplants or not, they're really better suited to Miami. :-)

And so is the RTP Corporation. Chris Kline (from Humor-L) sends us
RTP Corp.'s "Inclement Weather Policy" -- a policy to which many of
you can probably relate (especially these days).

Changing the pace somewhat, Mike sends us "Age and Guile Beats Youth
and Skill," and Jeff takes credit for "More Farmland Humor."

Finally, a seasonally-appropriate "Football Rules from Various
Political Structures" comes to us from John.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Inclement Weather Policy

MEMORANDUM

RTP, Inc.
February 21, 1995

TO:   RTP Staff

SUBJECT: RTP's Inclement Weather Policy

Since we have many new staff members who have joined us due to the
large number of casualties incurred during the last few months, I
thought it best if I would restate RTP's Inclement Weather Policy.

Basically, the policy is: 1) The building is always open. 2) You
are coming to work. There is no way you are getting a day off with
pay. 3) In the event hell *does* freeze over, you can listen to any
of the following radio or television stations:

620 AM        - WDNC    TV5  - WRAL
680 AM/TV28   - WPTF    TV11 - WTVD

In fact you can listen to any radio station or watch any television
station you please. What you will find out is that hell is closed,
but you are still coming to work.

Once again we ask you to use your best judgment in determining your
method of travel. We suggest ice skates, or perhaps a dogsled
(huskies are very sure-footed). Keep in mind you have the following
options:

1. Come to work
2. Come to work
3. Come to work

Please feel free to whine about the fact that IBM, GLAXO, Northern
Telecom, etc. are closed. We don't care. If you have any other
questions regarding this policy, we suggest that you find
employment elsewhere.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Age and Guile Beats Youth and Skill

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting
on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't
hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster
emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he
gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the
old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to
the new bird and says,

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot
stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge
you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it
ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for
himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought
he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the
young rooster.

"And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of
half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with
all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the
hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old
rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the
old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time
around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young
rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the
house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a
fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees
the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster
still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims,
fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third
gay rooster I've bought this month."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Farmland Humor

A farmer, after his old rooster passes on, brings home a new rooster
guaranteed by the breeder to be both prolific and ready for service.
He sets him free in the farm yard and watches.

Right away, the rooster takes off and immediately services each of
the hens. Once he's finished he races down to the pond and goes to
work on the ducks. Finishing off the ducks he moves on to the
geese, the goats, the pigs--even the cat.

Pleased with the exceptional dedication to duty of his new rooster,
the farmer smiles and goes off to attend to some other work on his
farm. After several hours he heads back to the farm house. To his
dismay, lying on its back with its legs in the air in the middle of
the farmyard is the new rooster. Vultures are circling overhead.

"ARG!" the farmer wails "The BEST rooster I've ever had and he's
dead in one day!"

The rooster lifts his head, winks, and putting a feather to his beak
says "SHH!" while pointing with his other wing at the circling
birds.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Football Rules from Various Political Structures

SOCIALIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes half your
points and redistributes them to the opposing team.

COMMUNIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your
points and gives you back what the Central Bureau of Points
designates as appropriate (according to your needs).

FASCIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your
points and sells them back to you.

NAZI FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your
points and shoots your team.

BUREAUCRATIC FOOTBALL: After you score, a tax of 80% will be
imposed on the points. 10% of your points will be given to the
scoring disadvantaged, 10% of the points will be given to the
opposing team as an incentive "not to score," while 60% of the
points will be used by the state for administration.

CAPITALIST FOOTBALL: The Super Bowl -- Winner Take All

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