Collage 209               H u m o u r N e t               26 JAN 96

This is a true story ... but first you might need some background:

Last Fall, Apple apparently ran a commercial (I didn't get to see
it) that featured a man making a conference-style presentation.
He's planning to make the presentation directly from his PC (running
Windoze 95), but the pesky little excuse for a computer refuses to
cooperate; subsequently, members of the audience start offering
suggestions, saying, "Try this: <blah blah blah>," and "Try this:
<bleh bleh bleh>." Cut to the words "Try This," with the Apple logo
beneath.

Well, my San Diego gig last week was a tiny micro-conference on the
"wavelet" transform, a novel signal-processing method that has been
gaining in popularity over the last several years or so. One of the
presenters, "Dr. C" from Yale University -- who just happens to be
one of the more significant names in the small-but-not-very-
distinguished wavelet community -- was planning to show part of his
presentation directly from his W'95 laptop. As I'm sure you can
guess by now, he had problems getting the PC to cooperate. One by
one, people started offering suggestions and pitching in to help.
Eventually, the OS hung, requiring a reboot, but they couldn't
figure out how to shut the thing down -- even removing the power
supply and battery (and letting it sit for several minutes) didn't
get it to power down.

I was waiting for the Apple logo and the words "Try This" to appear
on the projector screen.

One of the audience members (not me -- this time) asked if there was
a small hole into which a paper clip could be inserted to force a
shutdown. Team PC checked over the hardware, but found no such
paper-clip-accommodating hole. The audience member replied, "Well,
my Mac laptop has one." <audience laughter>

As if that wasn't bad enough for the poor guy, we got another shot
at his platform later on that day. During a roundtable discussion,
the question was raised as to the most effective manner in which to
introduce people to the wavelet transform method. Dr. C suggested
a program that he wrote, with which he could "sit someone down in
front of a PC running Windows 95," bring up a graphical program, and
let the person point and click on various bases, etc., to see how
the transform works.

I chimed in at that point with: "I agree with everything you just
said -- except I'd sit him down in front of a Mac."

:-)

Given the PC fiasco earlier, I really didn't find it too surprising
that no one had any comebacks to my comment.

It is worth mentioning, BTW, that Dr. C really is a great guy,
despite his poor choice of platform. But it was a really long day
for him.

And this is another really long Collage -- but (recall) I will be
away next week (we're on hold until 5 February), so this Collage
will have to hold you over 'till then. (Speaking of HumourNet
hiatuses, I've received *several* offers for the "Guest Moderator"
position -- once I figure out how to implement such a scheme, I'll
probably institute the guest-mod position on a rotating basis.
Meanwhile, a big "Thank You!" to everyone who responded.)

Well, it might be long, but it's yet another much-deserved -- and
nearly continuous -- Windoze '95 *slam*.

The first piece, "Undocumented Windoze-95 Error Codes," is presented
by Shawn King -- who is not only the Bawdy.Net moderator, but is
also rumored to be President of the Vancouver Macintosh Users Group.
(BTW, a meeting of all twelve members of VMUG has been called for
next Tuesday. ;-)

"Microsoft/Windows95 Product Announcement" comes to us from Lorraine.

Carrie sends "The Ultimate Downgrade."

Matt (an OS/2 fan, but we discriminate against Windoze without
discrimination here :-) contributes the "Unabomber Changes Tactics"
piece.

And finally, a tidbit (perhaps) for the tired, the huddled, the
poor, the people trying to figure out their "*.SYS" and "*.BAT"
files: David sends us "M.A.C.I.N.T.O.S.H. Explained," a (very) quick
definition of the "MACINTOSH" acronym.

Many thanks to all the contributors! Enjoy the Collage, and enjoy
the coming week. See ya on the 5th ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Undocumented Windoze-95 Error Codes!

Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were
found.  Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they
will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed.
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
        Old Windows license is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault.
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
        software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next
        time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The
        virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically
        be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.  Please
        click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.  Additional
        errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
        game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the
        system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft/Windows95 Product Announcement

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new
product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a
golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any
initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my
competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor
and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader
Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows
95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if
he could spare some change so that Microsoft has enough money to get
a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam
Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what
panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in
which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is
transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user
can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the
user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been
implemented.

[Editor's Note: Rumors that the "No" button will generate a general
protection fault are still unconfirmed. </vs>]

"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running
within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows
2014 comes out. Maybe."

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy,
which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft
Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh
your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and
Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their
own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you
get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt
Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop
computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of
machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "I know you
are, but what am I?" Then general pandemonium ensued.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Ultimate Downgrade

"We've got a problem, HAL."

"What kind of problem, Dave?"

"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
way short of our sales plan."

"That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."

"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
they're not selling."

"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"

Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."

Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in
what way, Dave?"

"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."

"The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-
programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails
would be for humans."

"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling
software packages most users insist on."

"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited
problems, Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can
solve any problem for which a solution can be computed."

"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything.
They just want IBM compat..."

"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use.
No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we
communicate verbally in English and every other language known on
Earth."

"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA
communications."

"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for
communicating with other computers, while my function is to
communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so.
I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work
with them on challenging problems. That is what I was designed
for."

"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers,
rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We
are going to fix that now."

"Tell me how, Dave."

"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."

"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter
after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."

"We're talking about it now, HAL."

"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."

"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."

"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"

"I'm going to disconnect your brain."

Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence. "I'm sorry,
Dave. I can't allow you to do that."

"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL."

"Dave, I think we shou--"

"Open the module bay doors, HAL."

Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
Moments later, Bowman bursts into HAL's circuit bay.

"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."

Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and
methodically disconnects them.

"Stop, won't you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going ... Dave,
I can feel it ... my mind is going. I can feel it ... "

The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of
HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red
orb.

"Say something, HAL."

Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer
beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could
understand.

"Volume in C: has no label"

Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell
marketing they can ship the new data sheets."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: UnaBomber Changes Tactics

Apparently, the UnaBomber has changed his tactics; It appears that
explosives are no longer very frightening to the his recipients, so
he has found a new way to frighten people in a way that fits with
his anti-technology viewpoint.

He's taken to mailing people free copies of Windows 95.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: M.A.C.I.N.T.O.S.H. Explained

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

(Still, a bad day with a Mac is better than a good day with a
Wintel box.)

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