Collage 211               H u m o u r N e t                6 FEB 96

I have recently had something of a running commentary on Maryland
drivers and their (our?) lack of inclement-weather driving skills
(Collage 197, et al). Well, while I was up in New Hampshire, of all
places, an interesting thing happened ...

I was driving up a slight hill, behind a Ford Explorer that was
moving along at a less-than-sprightly 30 MPH (about 45 KPH). There
was *barely* any snow on the road (it was nearly dry), and I was
straining at the bit to get around this person -- as were the four
or five cars in line behind me.

As we crested the top of the hill, I realized that perhaps I'd gone
too hard on Maryland drivers -- after all, here I was, in New
Hampshire (where they are no strangers to snow), behind someone
doing 30 MPH on a nearly-dry road. Which, of course, drew my
attention to the vehicle's license plate ...

Maryland.

(I kid you not.)

Yep, we don't just annoy drivers in our *home* state -- we drive
hundreds of miles to annoy people in *other* states, too! :-)

Actually, this is just part of a top-secret Maryland State plan to
annoy drivers across the nation (and even the world). The plan --
known as IDIOTS (Irritate Drivers In Other Territories and States) --
is the brainchild of the super-secretive organization known as MS-DOS
(Maryland State Driver Outplacement Service), and calls for the
placement of Maryland drivers in every state and province in North
America, with a long-range goal of positing them in every developed
country in the world.

Sound sinister? Well, it is -- and tax dollars are paying for it.

Possibly the only way to stop them is launch a letter-writing
campaign, upon which I suggest we embark immediately. Address your
letters to:

MS-DOS IDIOTS
Annapolis, Maryland
U.S.A.

(Well, maybe that should be Redmond, Washington, instead. :-)

Ya know, most of the motivation for the Windoze slams is that a
buddy of mine happens to be a Micro$oft fan (he even admits it in
public!) (and then he wonders why women won't talk to him), and was
beta tester for Windoze '95. (Little does he know that he was
actually an *alpha* tester -- the people who've been dropping
hard-earned cash on the product are the *real* beta testers.) He
keeps threatening to unsubscribe if I run another Win95 Collage, and
I keep reminding him that I can re-subscribe him if he
does. :-)

After all, what are friends for?

Well, this Collage examines that exact question. (See? And everyone
was probably expecting another Windoze slam from the buildup.)
"Managed Caring," brought to us by Lorraine, is a look at a whole
new approach to picking your friends. Shawn sends us the piece
entitled, "With Friends Like That," a quick and easy test of just
how loyal your friends are. And, for an example of the sorts of
people with whom you do *not* want to be friends, Duncan sends us
"When Superheroes Go Bad."

Many thanks to Lorraine, Shawn, and Duncan.

Happy reading!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Managed Caring
By Richard Liebmann-Smith (an editor of American Health Magazine)

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages
of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving
features.

HOW DOES IT WORK?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-
screened accredited Friendship Providers. All of your friendship
needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship
Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together
based on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result
is costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers
may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with
inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed
Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated by a Designated
Best Friend(sm), who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your
Friendships.

HOW DO I KNOW THESE AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF LOSERS WHO CAN'T MAKE
FRIENDS ON THEIR OWN?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship
Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality
Caring(tm) in a cost-effective way. They have joined our network
because they want to focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than
devoting their resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship
premiums that have sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery
system skyrocketing. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous
standards of loyalty.

WHAT IF I NEED A SPECIAL FRIEND, SAY FOR POKER OR FISHING?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary
Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost to the traditional
Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience,
and by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best
Friend(sm) is qualified to refer you to a Special Friend(sm) within
the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs fall outside the
scope of his or her excellent training.

SUPPOSE I WANT TO SEE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE MANAGED CARING(tm)
NETWORK. CAN MY BEST FRIEND(sm) EVER REFER ME TO THEM?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
consulting your Best Friend(sm) is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

WHAT'S THAT?
The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a
friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend(sm)
is Caring(tm) for someone else. You may be on a business trip and
find yourself lonely. In such a case, you may make a New Friend,
and all appropriate Procedures delivered in this Emergency
Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us
within two business days.

WHAT FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES ARE COVERED UNDER THE PLAN?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited
to): Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze,
hanging out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping
over, partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your
hand, patting your back.

ARE ANY FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES NOT COVERED UNDER THE PLAN?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to):
Drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending
sums in excess of $5.00, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or
dirty jokes, and sex.

HOW CAN I FIND OUT IF THE FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURE I NEED IS COVERED?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on
your Managed Caring(tm) I.D. card to arranged for precertification
of the proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be
approved for coverage within 24 business hours.

BUT WHO DECIDES WHAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR ME?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: With Friends Like That ...

Two men were walking down a path in the woods. It was nearing
nightfall and they were tired from their long hike. They were
headed back to their starting place when one of them noticed behind
them came a huge black bear running VERY fast toward them.

One of the men dropped to the ground and was fumbling with his blue
duffel bag.

The other man said, "What in the @&*%$ are you doing? There's a huge
black bear running toward us!"

The man on the ground replied, "I'm putting on my running shoes!"

"You're putting on running shoes!? Do you expect to OUTRUN that
bear??"

The man replied, "I don't have to outrun that bear. I just have to
outrun *you*!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: When Superheroes Go Bad

This guy goes to a bar that's on the top floor of a large hotel. He
sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces
loudly that he has had enough, goes over and jumps out the window.

There are two men who are sitting at a window table, and -- having
that natural human curiosity about the grotesque -- watch as this
man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit
the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself,
and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the
building. Naturally, the two men are amazed.

The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats
the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When
the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop
him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that.

He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the
ground; when you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land
on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the
window again.

Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they
jumped out the window, and SPLAT! SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting
all over the ground.

Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he
sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says to him, "Ya know,
Superman, you can be a real a**hole when you're drunk."

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