Collage 212               H u m o u r N e t                7 FEB 96

Okay, I've slammed Maryland drivers, picked on snowboarders, and
harassed Windoze users.

That was nothing. Now it's time to get *really* bold, to go where
no man has gone before. (At least, to go where no man has gone before
AND lived to tell about it.)

Let's talk about women's attitudes.

<battening down the hatches>

I heard a joke the other day that went something like this ...

<joke>

These three women are going shopping (what else?), and stumble upon
a large, bronze bottle. One of them picks it up, and, noticing some
dirt on the side of the bottle (which, BTW, would also have been
noticed by a man, but the man would not have been so compulsive as
to have to *clean* the bottle), brushes it away. Naturally, a genie
appears. (I hate days like that.)

"Hello, <sigh> I'm the genie in the bottle, and -- per the standard
genie agreement, <yawn and stretch> which you can now retrieve at
http://www.genies.com/agreements/standard_form.html -- I will grant
you three wishes."

The woman points to her friends, and asks, "Do they get any wishes?"
(She was secretly wishing the answer was "No." Of course, the other
women knew this, but had to act as if the first woman was being
genuine about her inquiry.)

"Ooops!" replied the genie, opening his eyes just a little wider,
"there are three of you. Well, then, as stated in the modified form,
http://www.genies.com/agreements/multiple_recipients.html, I can
give each of you *one* wish.

The first woman cursed herself for asking the question in the first
place. "Damn," she thought, "I should have been smarter about that."
Which led to her decision on how she'd spend her wish ...

"I want to double my I.Q."

"Done!" says the genie -- and suddenly the woman could balance her
checkbook and program her VCR.

"Next?" says the genie, turning to the second woman.

Not to be outdone, she asks the genie to *triple* her I.Q.

"Done!" says the genie -- and suddenly the woman could connect
speakers to her stereo and solve partial differential equations
(linear *and* nonlinear).

Well, the third woman simply cannot allow herself to be left behind
in the competition, so she asks the genie to *quintuple* her I.Q.

The genie looks at her and says, "You know, I normally don't try to
change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you
should reconsider."

Unconvinced, the woman insists: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q.
five times, and if you don't do it, I'll whine and moan and complain
and just generally throw a tantrum right here on the spot."

"Please," pleads the genie, "you don't know what you're asking...
It'll change your entire view on the universe... Won't you ask for
something else? A million dollars? A starring part in a major motion
picture? ANYTHING?"

But no matter what the genie said, the woman refused to listen.

Finally, after a prolonged period of pleading -- and even begging --
the genie gave in: <sigh> "Done. I have quintupled your I.Q."

And she became a man.

</joke>

Okay, right now, the men on the list are saying, "Vince *who*? Never
heard of him." Meanwhile, the women are trying to contact the
Unabomber for pointers. (And here I was thinking that the opener in
Collage 140 was ballsy.)

However, the joke was not presented here in its original form. The
original version had three *men* finding a mermaid while fishing.
The wish process is similar, except that the third man turns into --
you guessed it -- a woman (upon quintupling his I.Q.). This joke has
been sent to me three times, each time by a woman. And had I run it
in its original form, women would have applauded it, and men would
have stayed quiet (smart move) -- while thinking to themselves,
"Well, if that helps you overcome your little insecurities, then I
guess it's okay with me."

Notice any difference in response between the "female" version and
"male" version of the joke? Granted, the difference is *perhaps*
justifiable; sure, women really dislike coming out on the lower end
of any sexually-biased stratification. But they *also* dislike
coming out EVEN! Sure, you *tout* equality, but superiority is the
only acceptable resolution.

Consider, for example, what happened when I related this joke, in
its original form, to my girlfriend:

Me: "... so the genie quintupled his I.Q., and he become a woman."

Kim: <laughter>

Me: "But I don't get it -- five times zero is still zero ... !?" <g>

Kim: </laughter> <narrows eyes> "Watch it, buddy ..."

Somehow, all this shouting about "equality" is really just a thinly-
veiled rally for superiority.

Is this a problem? No, not really. Just like Bill & Hillary finding
out that life at the top ain't all peaches and cream, most of us guys
would welcome the opportunity to switch places: *you* go to work
every day, and *we'll* stay home, watch soap operas, and pop bon-bons
in our mouths until the floorboards creak.

Only one problem with that: women don't generally cruise the social
scene in search of potential homemakers. Sure, you *want* someone
who's going to help out around the house, but that's not what you're
*shopping* for ...

Ah, the inconsistencies. I could go on, but it's time for the other
side to present its position on this issue. And so, without further
ado, may I provide the following attributions:

Brenda takes credit for "Hitting Below The Belt."

Kudos go to Connie for "Dogs vs. Men" (which is *very* good).

Shawn, the Bawdy.Net moderator, betrays his brethren with "Under the
Category, 'Men Are So Stupid.'"

Sergio turns coat on us with "The Number One Reason for Gun Control."

And finally, Moroca takes credit for sending me the "I.Q." joke
today.

(Also, in case you're interested, Collage 17 contains a list of
"Dumb Men" jokes.)

Many thanks to all the contributors -- and especially to all the
women who have read this far without pressing the "flame" key.
(Although I'll bet that I've finally managed to break the "flame
barrier" with this one.)

Sometime soon (maybe tomorrow), I'll be presenting the male
perspective on this topic.

Let the battle begin ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Hitting Below The Belt

Q. What's the difference between an intelligent man and bigfoot?
A. There have been sightings of bigfoot.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dogs vs. Men

1. WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know
the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.  (OK, the
*really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's
a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

[Editor's Note:  I'll add this one ...
Dogs aren't afraid to hold your purse in public.  </vs>]

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

2. HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.

Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

3. WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them
around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Holiday Inns accept men.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Under the Category, "Men Are So Stupid"

I thought I would tell you about the closest I've ever come to
strangling my husband.

We had only been engaged for a few weeks. We were walking into a
convenience store when out came this blonde bombshell -- bikini top,
tiny shorts, absolutely gorgeous. As she jiggled past us, he took
my hand. My heart swelled with pride and love -- "even when he sees
someone like that, he still thinks of me."

Then he leaned over and whispered, "You'd let me sleep with her,
wouldn't you?"

Big mistake.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Number One Reason for Gun Control

Woman to friend: "I still miss my ex-husband -- but my aim is
getting better."

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