Collage 216               H u m o u r N e t               13 FEB 96

Yesterday's opener (collage 215) featured poor Ron's office
situation; he wrote to me today to add this tidbit:

"I can't even share the [blonde] joke with any of my coworkers.
This female worker also complained that the males laughed behind her
back, and that she felt 'excluded' and that if we could not talk in
front of her, whatever we were saying must be offensive. (Of
course, it's OK for her to gossip and giggle with other female
workers.)"

I think I see the problem here, Ron: you work for Nazis.

Lea also wrote to me:

"... a little while ago, you had [an opener] about men and romance.
It wasn't very funny, but it'd be really good for Valentine's Day..."

Um, tactfully said, Lea. And nicely timed, too -- I really don't have
the time to write another opener from scratch today. So, by (Lea's)
popular demand, may I present to you "Men and Romance":

<rerun opener>

According to a recent survey, German men list _tax_breaks_ as their
primary reason for getting married. Which leaves the rest of us to
ask the obvious question:

"Why don't *we* get those kinda tax breaks here in the U.S.?"

Anyway, for men in the U.S. it's usually some combination of
relationship-oriented motivations that provides the basis for
marriage. And since American men are [apparently] much more romantic
than their German counterparts, our motivations for marriage are
solidly rooted in amour; why, just look at the typical American
male's highly-romantic reasons for considering marriage:

1. The house needs cleaning. Sure, he can do it himself, but it's
a pretty big job when you only do it once a year (or so). Plus, the
house looks so much more romantic when it's clean.

2. The refrigerator needs to be refilled. Yes, he can go grocery
shopping, but it's a real hassle for the standard testosterone-laden,
attention-deficient male, who has trouble looking properly detached
standing in line at the grocery store -- without a beer or a cigarette
in his hand to complete the "look" -- and generally forgets what he's
doing there by the time he reaches the register. Moreover, beer isn't
sold in most U.S. grocery stores, so, accordingly, most U.S. men
don't know where those stores are. Plus, a full refrigerator is much
more romantic than an empty one.

3. The laundry needs to be done. Okay, he can attempt this himself,
but there are two significant problems with men doing laundry:

  a. Testosterone poisoning makes men refuse to wear pink underwear
  (regardless of the color it used to be).

  b. Buying new underwear every time we do laundry can be prohibitively
  expensive.

Plus -- clean, properly-colored clothing is very romantic.

4. The "significant other" is pressing for action on the "marriage"
front. Sure, he can try to put off a decision indefinitely, but some
enterprising women have started resorting to deadlines: "Either we
are engaged by [insert date], or I'm outta here." (Otherwise known
as the "love by simple coercion" maneuver.) Faced with the
horrifying prospect of a dirty house, an empty refrigerator, pink
underwear, and having to lift his sagging butt from the couch to
"get [his] *own* damn beer" during the game (or while watching the
Arts and Entertainment channel, depending upon how far he's
progressed along the evolutionary scale), he will usually give in
and decide to take the plunge. Plus, getting married is much more
romantic than wearing pink underwear. (Also, note that most women
will conveniently forget about the "ultimatum" within mere *minutes*
of the proposal.)

See? None of that unromantic "tax break" reasoning here -- just solid
amour. And the romance doesn't end there -- when it comes time to close
the deal, you can bet that the innovative American male will devise
something *totally* original, like hiding the ring somewhere in the
house and leaving a trail of notes directing her to the bounty. And
he'll pick an original day on which to do it, too -- like Christmas, or
Valentine's Day, or her birthday. (A thinly-veiled way to "combine
gifts," BTW.)

[Editor's Note: Apologies to those men who were planning to "spring
the ring" tomorrow/today. </vs>]

Of course, the girl will graciously fail to mention the gross lack
of originality in the presentation -- being preoccupied instead with
how she's going to explain to her new fiancee that *he* wants to
replace the very-thoughtful-but-not-very-romantic cubic zirconia
with a rock large enough to make the Queen Mary list to one side ...

P.S. -- Contrary to popular belief, "dinner" is not a male motivation
for marriage. Now that Domino's delivers in 30 minutes or less,
high-quality food is never more than a phone call away.

</rerun opener>

Well, for comparison, Venky in India presents us with "To Marry or
Not To Marry," a list of reasons/excuses why men in India either
should or should not marry. Interestingly, cultural differences
disappear when it comes to making up excuses ... :-)

And, in case you're *still* not sure if you really fit the "guy"
mold, Mike presents us with "The Guyness Test" (this one's great).

A big thanks to both Venky and Mike.

Enjoy -- and Happy Valentine's Day!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: To Marry or Not To Marry (in India)

This is a partial of list of reasons to marry/reasons to not marry,
as provided by Venky in India. Some reasons are apparently just as
good in India as they are here in the U.S. (and everywhere else in
the world) ...

Maybe I should *not* get married because...

   * We already have a maid at home, and she seems to be quite good.
     at cooking and managing the household chores.
   * There are still a lot of WWW sites that I need to visit.
   * I don't want my neighbours to enjoy themselves at my expense.
   * I really love kids, i.e., I don't want to have any of my own.
   * My mom is a really good cook.
   * All my friends' wives are very sweet to me.
   * I just got a 14.4 tcp/ip dial-up account.
   * Married men don't get free web pages.
   * Married men are old -- well, they get there faster.
   * I have reached the heights of sexual enlightenment.

Maybe I *should* get married after all because...

   * Our maid is 40 years old, and married.
   * Too much happiness is not good for me.
   * My friends won't mind if I go out with their wives.
   * I may get a nice car as a dowry.
   * Let's face it, nothing good lasts forever.
   * There's more to life than surfing the Net.
   * My mom is getting old, and she needs some help at home, doing
     the chores.
   * Maids are getting very expensive these days.
   * It's the only way I am gonna stop losing weight.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Guyness Test

Are You a "Guy"?
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your "Guyness Quotient"

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

   a. Present it to the president of the United States
   b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
   c. Take it apart

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?

   a. Innocence.
   b. Idealism.
   c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

   a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
      without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
   b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
   c. He is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
      the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that,
      for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

   a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal
   disease.

   b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in
   this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just
   dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not
   in any way aroused!")

   c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate
   hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him
   provided that:
      (1) He is legally within the basepath,
      (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
      (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard
          enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

   a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
   b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
   c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
      disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

   a. A cat.
   b. A dog.
   c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it
easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the
papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you
that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear
the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?

   a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a
   future, but you don't want to rush it.

   b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
   cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to
   make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her
   by holding out false hope.

   c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on
   third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her--sharing the joys and
the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the
adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
what may. How do you tell her?

   a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after
   dinner.

   b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say
   her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze
   blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

   c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks
you to get your three children ready for school. Your first
question to her is:

   a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
   b. "They're in school already?"
   c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

   a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and
   developed new holes so large that you're not sure which
   ones were originally intended for your legs.

   b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
   molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

   c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A
   real guy checks the garbage regularly in case
   somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would
   be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his
   underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the
   guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it
   than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

   a. He was being tested.
   b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land
      when they finally got there.
   c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

   a. Democracy.
   b. Religion.
   c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked
answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In
fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get
the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy
who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

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