Collage 218               H u m o u r N e t               16 FEB 96

In the opener of a recent Bawdy.Net Collage (#33), Shawn King (the
Bawdy.Net moderator) lamented:

"Sorry I didn't get a Bawdy.Net [Collage] out last night. I was at
the World's Most Boring Stag Party."

Obviously, Shawn just doesn't attend the right parties. He might
want to try hanging out in Manchester, U.K.; this news item was
excerpted from a U.K. newspaper:

"Police called to arrest a stark naked passenger at Manchester's
Piccadilly railway station decided to let him go when he produced a
valid railway ticket.  He explained that his clothes had been ripped
off at a night club party."

Now *there* is someone who knows how to find the really good parties.
(Citizenship notwithstanding, I'll bet he's a Penn State grad. :-)
Either way, thanks are due to Paul in the U.K. for that news item.)

But how does one *find* the really good parties? In college, it was
easy: any house that was either on fire or had naked bodies being
thrown through living-room windows was a safe bet. After college,
though, things get a little trickier. At this point, the key to
finding the really good gigs is being able to *recognize* the signs
of a successful party -- a topic that The Great One (Dave Barry, of
course) has conveniently summarized for us in his article, "How To
Tell If You're Throwing a Successful Party," coming to us from Paul.
(That's Paul in Nebraska, BTW, not Paul in the U.K.) (Come to think
of it, does anyone really *live* in Nebraska? I thought that Nebraska
was put there solely to keep the Rocky Mountains from falling into
the Mississippi River. Hmmm, I'll have to look into this....)

Anyway, this one really made the rounds during Christmas time, so do
your best to ignore the holiday theme. :-)

And since Dave is such a hard act to follow, I *really* had to look
around to find a piece that could fill out this Collage without
being overshadowed by The Great One. So, with kudos to Adam, we have
"Let's Finally Get to the Issue: Snakes," by -- you guessed it --
Dave Barry.

It's another "Dave" Collage! <cheering>

Many thanks to Paul and Adam. Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: How To Tell If You're Throwing a Successful Party
By Dave Barry

- Festivity Level One -
Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food,
sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree
ornaments and standing around the piano singing carols.

- Festivity Level Two -
Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They
are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta
Be Me."

- Festivity Level Three -
Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects,
gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments
and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No
Satisfaction."

- Festivity Level Four -
Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering
around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano
is missing.

Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally
don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test
of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If
they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest
anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see
that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully
handle this situation.

Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."

You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"

Police: "No, sir, not drugs."

You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"

Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."

You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or
drugs here, heh heh."

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"

Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent
complaints have come from Iowa."

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols,
roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the
policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight
naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Let's Finally Get to the Issue: Snakes
By Dave Barry

As we enter Super Bowl weekend, it is time to forget about all the
diversions, distractions, hype and hoopla, so that we can focus, at
last, on the only issue that, in any championship contest, really
matters: snakes.

I found out about this issue when I attended a rehearsal for the
Doritos Super Bowl XXIX Halftime Extravaganza Produced By Walt
Disney Attractions. The official theme of this year's extravaganza
is: "Now Would Be A Good Time To Take A Leak."

No, I'm kidding; that was last year's theme. The official
extravaganza theme this year is "The Temple of the Forbidden Eye,"
which by amazing coincidence is also the name of a new attraction at
Disneyland. It promises to be an excellent show, although for my
money there will never be a more entertaining halftime act than the
one they had for the '85 Super Bowl, when U.S. Air Force bombers
flew over the stadium and attempted, with limited success, to hit
foam targets on the field with members of the "Up With People" cast.

No, once again I am kidding, unfortunately. But I am not kidding
about "The Temple of the Forbidden Eye." According to the press
release, this is "a spectacular three-scene, action-packed
extravaganza" featuring "a spectacular lineup of stars" including
Tony Bennett and Patti LaBelle, as well as "more than 1,000
specialty performers, character actors, dancers, tumblers/acrobats,
jugglers, gymnasts and stage combatants."

Most of these personnel were not present at the rehearsal I
attended, which was a run-through for the stars. I asked a TV
camera guy named Bill, who had seen a full-cast rehearsal, to
describe the extravaganza in his own words.

"A lot of people running around," he said, demonstrating why he is
not a press-release writer for Frito-Lay.

"The thing is," he added, "most of these people aren't getting
paid."

Judging from the rehearsal I saw, a major highlight of the
extravaganza is when four large crew guys run up a ramp onto the
stage carrying a piano. Really. They told me they've done this
more than 25 times in rehearsals, and they definitely feel focused
and ready for game day. Crew member Craig Dennis claimed that their
time in the 40-yard dash, with the piano, is "in the low 6s,"
although he admitted they do not have a great vertical leap.

Crew leader Joel Natt told me that timing is critical: The piano
has to start moving at exactly the right moment, or it's a disaster.
Imagine what would happen if his crew gets its signals crossed and
sprints onto the field during the game:

Al Michaels: Young drops back ... he's looking for Rice ... he's
... My GOD!

Dan Dierdorf: I've said it a hundred times: On third and long,
you've got to block the piano.

But that is not my big concern. My big concern is snakes.
According to production manager Taz Marosi, the halftime
extravaganza will feature two major snakes: Storm, who is 11 feet
long and weighs 72 pounds; and Slither, who goes 14 feet and 88
pounds (no information was available on their vertical leaps).

"Are the snakes ready for Sunday?" I asked Marosi. "Are they
focused?"

"Yes," he said. "In fact, they both just shed this week."

Marosi said the snakes will not be in cages; they will be draped
around their handlers. In other words, there will be enormous
uncaged snakes at the Super Bowl. Marosi did not seem worried about
this, but then again he will not be on stage with the snakes.
Whereas Tony Bennett will.

During a break, I asked Bennett how he felt about working with large
snakes.

"I plan to avoid them," he said, demonstrating why he has had such a
long show-business career.

I also asked Patti LaBelle about the snakes; in fact, it turned out
that, until the rehearsal, she didn't know there were snakes in the
show.

"Snakes?" she said.

"Yes," I said. "Big snakes."

"BIG snakes?" she said.

"Yes," I said. "Slither and Storm."

"On the stage?" she said.

"Yes," I said.

"There's nothing in my contract about snakes," she said. "They're
in cases. right?" "No," I said. "They're on men."

"Men are wearing the snakes?" she said. "On the stage?"

"Yes," I said.

"I don't mess with snakes," she said. "Any snakes come near me,
Patti is gone.'

I'm assuming that the handlers, while waiting for the halftime show
to begin, will be able to control the snakes, because otherwise we
could have a truly memorable Super Bowl highlight.

Al Michaels: Humphries takes the snap ... he throws a screen pass
to ... Hey! It's Patti LaBelle.

Dan Dierdorf: She's showing explosive speed, Al.

Frank Gifford: Especially in those heels.

Michaels: We're seeing excellent pursuit here by ...

Dierdorf: Looks like Slither, Al ...

Gifford: I understand he just shed this week.

Michaels: He's gaining on her ... He's ... My GOD!

Gifford: You hate to see that.

Dierdorf: I've said it a hundred times: A snake, in that situation,
should never go under the piano.

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