Collage 219               H u m o u r N e t               19 FEB 96

In response to Kim's "I am girl; hear me roar" (Collage 215), one of
our subscribers (who prefers that her name not be used) (?) points
out that "... it is easy for a non-professional female to have an
attitude like [Kim's]. Working professional females, however, are all
well aware of the way that men use [the word 'girl'] as a put-down."

Dangerous assumption, Elizabeth, that Kim is either a non-working
female or a working non-professional female. (Just kidding about
'Elizabeth,' BTW; the person's name isn't really Elizabeth. Or Marge.
Or Jane. Or ... well, we could eventually narrow it down by process
of elimination, but it'd take a while.) Kim owns two businesses, and
recently opened a third; she holds a B.S. in journalism from the Univ.
of Maryland. (She's largely the reason that I selectively implement
aspects of AP style in my writing.)

Thus, I'd hesitate to suggest that Kim is either not working or not
professional. What Kim *is* *not* is insecure -- hence her "Oh, who
cares?" attitude toward the use of the word "girl."

This leads to an interesting discussion, though. Upon closer
inspection, there is a pattern of discrimination that is closely
linked ("correlated," as it were) with a person's success -- or,
more accurately, *lack* of success. If you ask women whether
discrimination exists in the workplace, the "No" answers will tend
to congregate around the more successful women, and the "Yes"
answers will often be associated with the less successful. Which
begs the question:

Does discrimination deny success, or does lack of success beget
discrimination?

When I was very young, the first words that most kids learned to say
were "mom-ma" and "da-da." (Except for my brother and sister, who
both learned to use profanity even before they were able to construct
small sentences. Of course, we acquired it from our Dad. For years,
I thought that Jesus's middle name was "f**king." But that's another
story....:-) These days, the first words we learn to say are, "It's not
my fault." The second set of words is, "I am a victim."

So, when success isn't knocking at your door, it becomes all too easy
to blame someone or something else.

Is this unique to women? Why, no -- it is, as Jenni (one of my
subscribers) points out, a common thread among everyone who
perceives himself as a member of a subjugated group. Surely, the
fact that someone has no interest in his job couldn't have anything
to do with his lack of success -- no, there must be environmental
factors at work. It's someone else's fault. It's because someone
down the hall told an ethnic joke, or because someone in the office
over there used the word "girl."

Huh? Look, I'm not suggesting that discrimination doesn't exist here,
kids, just that we have to be careful where we buy our crutches.
(BTW, I can discuss these issues because I've already been given
last rites. Really. Try it. It's a cool way to go thru life.)

My uncle is a lawyer. (I hate to admit it in public, but that's just
the reality of the situation.) Several years ago, he was hired by a
rather large corporation; after being there a short time -- and
running into some unusual obstacles -- he found out that he'd been
hired to fill a quota. Yup, Corporation A needed some minorities on
the roster, and a WOP fit the bill. Needless to say, this was a bit
of a surprise at first, but he handled the situation in the manner
of countless generations of Italians before him: he had someone
killed.

Oooops, my mistake -- wrong uncle. No, he worked his butt off,
overcame the you're-just-here-to-fill-a-quota-so-sit-down-and-shut-up
obstacles, and today he is a V.P. in charge of Corporation A's
international law department.

So, what's the point, you ask? Well, he sent me a really nice
Christmas card that I just got around to opening yesterday.

No, that's not the point at all. The point is this:

"Quit complaining, and go to work."

If, OTOH, that is not a solution that appeals to you, then you might
benefit from an augmented set of excuses. If, after all, you opt for
the excuse route, why rely on something that's already been passed
around a lot? Go original!

And, to help you out with this, Adam (of Adam's Humor List) sends us
"Excuses To Give Your Boss" -- some of the most creative means of
avoiding work and becoming a victim that I've seen in a long time.

Also, Chris provides us with some "Unusual Interviews" -- actual
accounts of weird job interviews (with, presumably, weird people
who are sure to be joining the ranks of the victimized). These are
some sure-fire ways of ensuring that your potential employer
discriminates against you right from the start.

On the lighter side of employment, Bill sends us some inside
information on "Southern California Edison's OTHER Operation."

And finally, Ali shows us how even white males can join the fun and
foray into victimhood with "The Engineers' Song."

I can't decide if it's the "Victim" Collage or the "Shut Up and Go
To Work" Collage. Either way, BIG thanks to the contributors. And
don't blame me if you lose your job because you're reading this
stuff.

Remember: it's not my fault. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Unusual Interviews

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience
interviewing prospective employees. Here are the results ...

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the
interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the
interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was
kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few
minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on
how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed
standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions
that have been asked by job candidates ...

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to
Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Excuses To Give Your Boss

* If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.

* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I
was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the
power source on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

* My stigmata's acting up.

* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank
you for calling.

* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain
false information.

* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma.

* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give
her eternal peace. One day should do it.

* I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

* When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Southern California Edison's OTHER Operation ...

[Editor's Note: Bill sends me this one with the note, "... [this]
actually happened where I work." Amazing, the things that our
utility companies will do to make money.... :-) </vs>]

"I work for Southern California Edison (SCE). The holding company
changed its name from SCECorp to EDISON International a couple of
of weeks ago. I was given a form to fill out to order new business
cards. On the form were samples of how to code phone numbers. The
example for our 800 number was 800-928-3478. Try it yourself."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Engineers' Song
(Sung, if possible, to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer,"
VAX that is ... CRT's ... Workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here,"
They Said "Massachusetts is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some glazed donuts and moved to Tewksbury,
Raytheon that is ... MSD, ses pools ... no single's bars;
On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your study's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Vending machines with no Bounty bars
Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed

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