Collage 220               H u m o u r N e t               20 FEB 96

WARNING! They're closing in ...

<From the AP News Wire...>

PITTSBURGH -- From bars to buses to billboards, ads confront us at
nearly every turn. Now you can't even get relief in the bathroom.

Advertising agencies around the country are buying the rights to put
up ads in restrooms -- most often in restaurants and clubs -- and
selling the space to businesses ranging from symphonies to jewelry
stores and dentists.

The ads are posted over the urinals and inside toilet stalls.

"Everybody is always looking for new revenue streams," Greg Carney,
a director of Chicago's United Center, home of the Chicago Bulls and
Blackhawks.

(Problem is, by placing the ads over urinals, you'll be *diverting*
some other streams. Do you know what a good pair of men's shoes
costs, Greg? Perhaps you should do the math -- the liability could
be enormous.)

Anne Heineman Batory, associate professor of marketing at Wilkes
University, suspects bathroom advertising can be very effective.

(Wilkes University, in Pennsylvania, is better known by its former
name, the Trucksville Institute of Technology and Science. And they
have a track record for turning out rocket scientists like Anne ...)

"The danger is that the message would lie in the long-term memory
with the association of a bathroom or that the consumer would say,
'For goodness sake, this is my one refuge,'" she said.

And Jennifer Brooke, a creative director at the Earl Palmer Brown ad
agency in Bethesda, Md., said the bathroom may not be the right
place to pitch some products.

"I probably wouldn't put an ad for a chili cheeseburger in a
bathroom," she said.

(Wow, Jennifer. And they pay you *how* much?)

The Brown agency designed an ad campaign about prostate disease.
The ad, posted above urinals, showed a big yellow drop with a large
block of tiny print on it. At the bottom, the reader was warned
that he may have the disease if he had been standing there long
enough to read the whole thing.

(And it's easy to tell if you *don't* have prostate disease, too:
your shoes are wet.)

Jay Geisen, an art director, worked on an award-winning bathroom
campaign for Advantage Indoor Advertising of Pittsburgh.

(An "award-winning bathroom campaign"? Sounds kinda like a Guinness-
book case of diarrhea....)

"You have a captive audience, so to speak," Geisen said.

(Yeah -- especially those people working on award-winning bathroom
campaigns.)

In Key West, Fla., Debbi Turner sells ad space in about 50
restaurants and clubs, most of them tourist haunts. The clubs have
found an unexpected benefit from running the ads: less graffiti.

"People have something to do," Turner said. "They don't write on
the walls."

(Um, Debbi, who *are* these people who wander into restrooms, and
don't have "something to do" while they're in there?)

</AP News Wire>

Well, the advertising mavens are at it again -- and, this time, no
one is safe. Which brings to mind the computer-related organization
that has brought advertising to new heights ...

No, not Microsoft -- they've brought it to new _lows_. Nope, I'm
talking about the company that bought *WAY* too many blank CD ROMs:

                             AOL.

Yup, America Online, that pinnacle of direct-mail marketing for
information services. The company voted "most likely to advertise
in bathrooms and peddle CD-ROMs on street corners." The company that
also features the least informed and most annoying customer-service
operation in the solar system.

Providing us with a real-live example of that operation is Steve W.
from the Oracle Humor List, with "Another Rewarding AOL Experience."

And to round out our AOL experience, Alisa presents us with the
"Diary of an AOL User" -- an awesome piece!

Many thanks to both Steve and Alisa for these pieces, and to Jim in
L.A. for the sad-but-true news story. Oh, and apologies to the AOL
members on the list. :-)

It's an AOL-filled Collage. Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Another Rewarding AOL Experience

    I live in Berlin, Germany and asked a friend in
    the U.S. [via] email to call American Online in the
    States and have them send their AOL install
    diskettes to me at my Berlin address. My friend
    called AOL, then sent me this message:

I called AOL for you but had "an experience" talking to the
minimum-wage employee who attempted to take your address.

I pronounced your name for her and then spelled it (SLOWLY). I gave
her the street address and spelled it. Faithfully following her
script, she then asked for the state (as in which U.S. state).

I replied, "actually it is in Berlin, Germany" and gave her the
postal code. I didn't think it necessary to spell Berlin, Germany.
My mistake. After a silence she said, "That's G-R?" I then spelled
Germany for her. She said, "No, I mean the abbreviation." I said,
"Are you trying to abbreviate Germany in the 'State field' on your
computer screen?" "Yes," she replied. I told her again that it was
not a United States address, that "GR" sounded like a good
abbreviation but it was not a US state and that she might have to
spell out Germany on another line. She replied, "I know it's not in
the US, it's in Canada."

If there were any doubt I was in trouble, it was now certain.

I clarified that Berlin was a city in the country of Germany and
that neither was anywhere near Canada. Silence ... Me: "You
know, the country in Europe ... Hitler and all that Nazi stuff from
the 1940's ..."

Silence ...

Her: "So the city is B-U-N-L-E-R?"
Me: "No, it's Berlin ... Berlin, Germany ... B-E-R-L-I-N"
Her: "OK, but what's the state?"

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Lucy just pulled the football out from under me again.

Again I told her that there wasn't a US state involved. I know
there is a German equivalent of a state that Berlin is in but I
couldn't remember the name, nor its abbreviation, nor did I think
giving it to her, if I had it, would do any good.

I'm not done yet ...

Then she asks me for a phone number. Not having yours readily
available to her, I replied, "I'm calling you locally from the
States and I don't have a phone number in Berlin to give you."

A brief pause. . .

Her: "So, what was your phone number again?"

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I gave her my phone number because I knew, like a computer program
with no escapes from an endless loop, if she didn't fill in the
phone number line, I'd never get off the phone and you'd never get
AOL. Imagine if I had given her your phone number with all those
numbers and no familiar (xxx) xxx-xxxx format. My god, what would
she have done then???

She ended the call by reading the "namestring" script, "Thank you
... Mr. 'tan-GAY' ... for ordering America On-Line. Your order
will arrive within 2 weeks. Have a nice day."

Good luck.
Paul

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Diary of an AOL User

july 18- i just tried to connect to america online, which I've heard
is the best online service I can get. i can't connect, i dont know
what is wrong.

july 19- some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs
a modem. i dont see why. hes just trying to cheat me. how dumb
does he think i am?

july 20- i bought the modem. i couldnt figure out where it goes.
it wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. im confused.

july 21- i finally got the modem in and hooked up. that three year
old next door did it for me.

july 22- that three year old kid next door hooked me up to america
online for me. hes so smart.

july 23- whats the internet? i thought i was on america online, not
this internet thingy. im confused.

july 24- the three year old kid next door showed me how to use this
america online stuff. he must be a genius, at least compared to me.

july 25- i tried to use chat today. i tried to talk into my
computer but nothing happened. maybe i need to buy a microphone.

july 26- i found this thingy called usenet. i got out of it because
im connected to america online, not usenet. i went to the doctor
today for my regular checkup. he says that since i connected to
america online, my brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal
size.

july 27- these people in this usenet thingy keep using capital
letters. how do they do that? i never figured out how to type
capital letters. maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

july 28- i found this thingy called the usenet oracle. it says that
it can answer any questions i ask it. i asked it 44 separate
questions about the internet. i hope it responds soon.

july 29- i found a group called rec.humor. i decided to post this
joke about why the chicken crossed the road. to get to the other
side! ha ha! i wasn't sure if i posted it right so i posted it 56
more times.

july 30- i keep hearing about the world wide web. i didnt know
spiders grew that large.

july 31- the oracle responded to my questions today. geez, it was
rude. i was so angry that i posted an angry message about it to
rec.humor.oracle.d. i wasn't sure if it posted right so i posted it
22 more times.

august 1- someone told me to read the faq. geez, they didn't have
to use profanity.

august 2- i just read this post called make money fast. im so
excited, im going to make lots of money. i followed his instructions
and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.

august 3- i just made my signature file. its only 6 pages long, so
i will have to work on it some more.

august 4- i just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. i read a
few posts and i really believe that aol should be wiped off the face
of the earth. i wonder what an "aol" is, though.

august 5- i was asking where to find some information about
something. some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. ive
looked and looked, but i cant find that group.

august 6- some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing.
i told him i don't have an account at his bank. hes so dumb.

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