Collage 221               H u m o u r N e t               21 FEB 96

Well, the votes are in and ... the Macintosh wins hands down as the
Internet's platform of choice (greater than 80% and counting). Okay,
so there's a *reason* for the numbers falling that way ...

http://www.hotwired.com/netizenpoll/96/08/poll.results2a/index.html

Even more shocking, though, are the results from the New Hampshire
primary. Pat Buchanan? Really? If I recall correctly, Larry Pratt --
one of Buchanan's top campaign managers -- was recently found to
have been associated with white supremacist groups ...

(Black supremacy, white supremacy ... can't we just set aside a
large tract of uninhabited land -- Nebraska comes to mind -- put the
Ku Klux Klan (a rather well-known white supremacist/anti-semitist/etc.
group, for those of you who're either living in other countries or
living under rocks) at one end, put Louis Farrakhan & Co.(tm) at the
other, and let them fight it out until there's no one left?)

Anyway, Larry Pratt took a "leave of absence" from the Buchanan
campaign trail. When asked if the "leave" was permanent, Pat responded
that it was *not* permanent, and that he (Buchanan) "stands by his
friends" during times like these.

Standing by your friends is one thing. Associating yourself with
racists is another, isn't it? Perhaps it isn't -- at least to the
New Hampshire voters.

OTOH, perhaps we should give them the benefit of the doubt: maybe
they were confused by the (non-) fact that "Buchanan," loosely
translated from Mbabwi Swahili, means "None of the Above." Given the
options this year, that could easily explain all the extra "Buchanan"
votes.

(Yes, for those of you who care, I *still* happen to be upset over
Colin Powell's lack of candidacy, and the fact that Margaret Thatcher
still refuses to run for President (Collages 148 and 177). And don't
get on my case about that pesky citizenship issue ... ever since we
colonized Great Britain, it's been okay for Brits to run for
President. (See? I know my history.) And either way, she's better
than any of the options we've been presented with *this* year....)

Speaking of white supremacist groups, a news report this morning
said that Ku Klux Klan pamphlets were apparently found to have been
distributed in several counties in Virginia over the weekend. I guess
Larry Pratt has been finding ways to keep himself busy during his
leave of absence from the Buchanan campaign ...

Well, I have to admit, I was just about to resign myself to a
write-in vote for Thatcher -- that is, until I saw **this** news
article:

<paraphrased AP news story>

MONTEREY, Calif. -- Full-page advertisements appeared in four
California coastal newspapers urging residents to "Vote for
Ernest" -- a Burmese mountain dog -- for a 17th Congressional
District seat.

"Here is your chance for the ultimate protest!" proclaims the ad,
which includes a photograph of the dog and a list of qualifications
that describes the candidate as "healthy, intelligent, friendly, not
a lawyer" and, most important, "house broken."

</AP news story>

Sure, he's in the wrong race, but let's just see how Ernest stacks up
against the opposition:

"Healthy" -- he's better than Dole.
"Intelligent" -- he's better than Clinton.
"Friendly" -- he's better than Buchanan.
"Not a lawyer" -- he's better than *any* of them!

*And* he's house broken? Heck, put that puppy on the Presidential
ballot! He's gotta do a better job than Socks. (The White House cat --
who, by all accounts, is *not* house broken. ;-)

The standard "thanks!" are due Jim in L.A. for the "Vote for Ernest"
news tidbit. And, similarly, kudos for this "Political Humor Collage"
are doled out (oops -- poor choice of words) as follows:

Starting things off, Shawn presents us with the list of the "Top 10
Non-Essential Government Employees." (An obviously inaccurate list,
as I am not on it. :-)

Jeff and Michael teamed up (although they didn't know it) to send us
"Trading Up," a quickie Clinton joke.

And for you J. Danforth Quayle fans out there, we feature "Smarter
Than The Average Rock," the quasi-canonical list of Dan Quayle
quotes -- with thanks to Steve W. from the Oracle Humor List.

The still-ever-prolific Lorraine sends us the "Bill of Lefts" -- your
rights to someone else's hard-earned money (get it while it lasts :-).

Finally, Randall presents us with "Advice From Abe," one of those
think-for-a-second-then-spit-your-coffee jokes. Well worth the
laugh. And almost as funny as Dan Q. on a slow day.

Many thanks, once again, to our contributors.

It's politics-as-usual here in Washington. Enjoy it -- if you can.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top 10 Non-Essential Government Employees

10. Department of game show regulation.

9. Ted Kennedy's dietitian.

8. Department of Redundancy department.

7. The Surgeon General, whomever it is this month.

6. Barney Franks' hot young female page.

5. Those idiots who want male waiters at "Hooters"

4. Deadbeats who make "top 10" lists instead of working.

3. Committee to expand the Canadian Football League to the
United States.

2. Representatives from states nobody cares about.

1. Al Gore

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Trading Up

Bill Clinton recently returned to the White House from a trip to
Arkansas. Upon disembarking the helicopter on the White House lawn,
he was greeted by a young Marine who said "Welcome home, Sir" while
performing a crisp salute.

The Marine noticed that the President had a pig on a leash as he
exited the helicoptor and said "Nice pig, Sir." offering another
salute.

The President gratiously said "Thank you. It's an Arkansas Razor-
Back."

The Marine replied "Nice Razor-Back, Sir." (another salute)

The President, smiling, said "I got her for Mrs. Clinton."

The Marine, again saluting crisply, said "Good trade, Sir!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Smarter Than The Average Rock

[Editor's Note: These are purportedly actual quotes from the person
voted "least likely to become a Mensa member," J. Dan Quayle. </vs>]

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother
and child."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen
pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is
water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can
breathe."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I
mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century.
I didn't live in this century."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card: "May our nation continue to be
the beakon of hope to the world."
[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good
judgements in the Future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We
have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

"Public speaking is very easy."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who
is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not
having it."
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she
still has a job next year."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
Dan Quayle may or may not make."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you
on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

[Editor's Note: Danny boy, it looks like you beat us to it. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bill of Lefts

The Bill of Lefts includes, but is not limited, to these certain
unalienable principles:

1. Thou shall be secure in the fact government will take care of
you. So you are best off not working at all.

2. Government shall never take away anything it gives you. But it
may take away anything you earn on your own.

3. There shall be plenty of mandates on the other guy. You are safe
as long as you choose to do as little as possible -- then government will
not ask you to do anything in return. Whatever you do, don't ever think about
employing someone. If you do hire a maid, best not to report it to anyone.

4. Everything is free as long as you don't work for it.

5. Deficits are a part of life, but that is only a problem for those
with money. If the government gives you a credit card for health care or
anything, use it as much as you want.

6. Most laws are best written by federal courts and regulatory agencies,
so it is best to make any legislative law as vague and contradictory as
possible.

7. All rights reserved to the States and individuals are subject
to the previous rule.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Advice From Abe

One night, Bill Clinton is so worried about the Federal budget
crisis that he can't get to sleep. So he gets up and goes for a jog
in the moonlight.

As he passes the Lincoln Memorial, he wonders, "What would Honest
Abe have done in this situation?" So he kneels down in front of
Lincoln's statue and says, "Oh Lincoln, Lincoln, I want to do what's
best for the country, but I don't know what that is."

And sure enough, Clinton hears a disembodied voice come from deep
within the tomb, saying, "Go to the theatre."

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