Collage 223               H u m o u r N e t               27 FEB 96

"Traveling With Kids"
By Vince Sabio
HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
<http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>

Four days and 2000 miles (3200km) later, I have somehow survived the
Great Snowboard Massacre of 1996 -- but snowboarding (as a topic)
will have to wait; *this* opener's topic is "TRAVELING WITH KIDS."

For all the parents on the list, let me put this weekend into
perspective:

1. Me
2. Two kids: my eleven-year old niece and thirteen-year-old nephew
3. Two nights
4. Eight hundred miles in the car

No sweat, right? Wrong. I am a bachelor.

I'm also a firm believer in what I call the "Rent-A- Kid"(tm)
concept: you check out one or two children for a day (preferably
related, although any children -- neighbors' kids, etc. -- will
suffice in a bona fide Rent-A-Kid(tm) emergency), take them
someplace fun for a while, and check them back in once you've
reaffirmed your commitment to remain single and childless.
Sometimes, this can take as long as twenty minutes.

This weekend was particularly unique, though, in that I've never
checked the kids out for more than twelve hours, nor have I ever
soloed more than one child at a time. The trip was two days and
800 miles in the car, and -- being new to this sport -- I was not
previously aware of the need for "child activities." Needless to
say, I need a vacation. So does my car.

Let's talk kids. First, there's my niece, Megan. Megan is, very
objectively, very beautiful. Eleven years old, and absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous. (Fully-grown women hate her already, and she
can't figure out why.) She is also not my brother's child; most
likely, she was accidentally switched in the nursery at birth.
"Why," you ask, "do you say that?" Easy. If you'd ever seen my
brother or his ex-wife, you'd realize that there's simply no way
either of them could have produced this child. Somewhere, there is
a supermodel couple wondering how their kid got screwed over by the
gene pool.

However, Megan *does* follow the conservation-of-looks-and-brains
theorem (I'm gonna burn for this one), which states that the sum of
a girl's "appearance" figure (scale of 0 - 10) times ten plus her I.Q.
equals a constant somewhere around 150. In Megan's case, this formula
leaves only about 50 points available for I.Q. For example, here is a
typical Megan conversation -- and one that actually occurred this
past weekend:

Megan: <looking around frantically>

Me: Megan, is something wrong?

Megan: I can't find my sunglasses ...

Me: They're on your head, sweetheart.

Megan: <touches top of head, finds sunglasses> Oh.

Okay, so perhaps she *is* my brother's child. But the similarity
ends there. :-)

Then there's my nephew, Justin, who (at thirteen) is just beginning
to outgrow the "whining" stage -- something he'll grow back into
once he's married, I'm sure. Justin is, unfortunately, living
justification of women's claims that males can (and do) out-whine
females; Justin doesn't even leave us room for argument. Sixteen
hours in the car with him, and you realize why some animals eat
their young. Actually, I had fifteen-and-a-half hours to
contemplate that thought, since it was first consciously considered
about thirty minutes out of port.

The trip was not without its high points -- I did, after all, learn
some very important things about traveling in the car with children.
I'd like to share some of them with you, as they may be of use to
other bachelors planning to expand the daily Rent-A-Kid(tm) plan
into a weekend getaway:

1. Keep them separate! Yes, if the children's ages differ by less
than five years, you will need to put some space between them. The
following formula provides a good rule of thumb:

 safe_distance = 5.0 / (age_of_older_child - age_of_younger_child)

Note that this measurement is made in miles. Thus, for two children
who are two years apart, 2.5 miles should be a safe distance. Twins
should never travel within the same solar system.

2. Keep them occupied. Anything that can hold a child's attention
for more than five minutes will work. For girls, the license-plate
game is always loads of fun. And for boys, I've found the "hit the
other car with the paint bomb" game to be very effective, despite
its potential liability. Warning: Some people have no sense of humor.
Use a fast car.

3. Bring duct tape. Don't use common clear-plastic tape, as it is
easier for the children to remove (or bite through). Duct tape also
absorbs a great deal of sound.

4. In case all else fails, carry cyanide pills. Not for them; for you.

(For those who are interested at this point: Yes, at the combined
suggestions of the Department of Health and Human Services, the
Environmental Protection Agency and the Maryland State Department of
Corrections, I have decided to *not* have any children of my own.
Plus, it's so much fun terrorizing other people's kids. :-)

Seriously, though, it's really not all that bad. In fact, there are
some really *nice* things about being away with the kids for a
weekend; for example, it's (ironically) easier to meet women when
you have kids with you. Why, just look at this sample conversation:

Woman: Hey, what are you doing in here?

Me: Sorry. My niece had to go to the bathroom.

Megan: Uncle Vinnie, isn't she the one you said had "a really nice
butt"?

Me: Shush, Megan. <nervous grin> Heh ... 'Kids'! No telling *where*
they get their crazy ideas from, huh?

Woman: If you don't get out of here ...

Me: Sorry, Miss, but she can't go to the bathroom alone, yet.
She'll be out in just a minute ...

Megan: But Uncle Vinnie, I *told* you I could go to the bathroom
alone. I've been going to the bathroom by myself for *years* ...

Me: *Quiet*, Megan!

Woman: I'm calling the police ...

Me: Does this mean that dinner's out of the question?

See? In no time at all, I managed to strike up a meaningful
conversation with a total stranger -- a conversation that, years
from now, I'll be able to look back upon fondly and say, "Yes, Mr.
Warden, Sir, I *do* believe that I have served my debt to society
and that I should be eligible for parole." Sure, I could have
managed that *without* Megan's help, but it's just so much easier
when you have kids with you.

Traveling with kids also provides a great learning opportunity for
them. Justin, for example, learned how to read maps and project
E.T.A.s on this trip. Megan learned her phone number. And every
kiddie question is *not* merely an annoyance, but an opportunity
to help expand their knowledge:

Q: Where are we?
A: We're in Egypt, Megan. Do you know where *that* is?

Q: What river was that?
A: That was the Amazon River. Do you know where *that* is?

Q: Wow, I can see *mountains*! Are those the Anna-pla ... Appa-lay
... Appalachians?
A: No, dear, those are the Himalayas.
Q: Is that where we're going skiing?
A: Yes -- we're going skiing in the Himalayas.
Q: <out of left field> Isn't that where Bigfoot lives?
A: Yes, it is. And did you know that he likes to eat small children
while they sleep?

Never pass up an opportunity to further a child's education. :-)

Copyright 1996, 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd.
All Rights Reserved. Permission is hereby granted to forward or post
"Traveling With Kids," provided that the by-line (above) and this
copyright statement are included.

Of course, if you *do* decide to pass up such opportunities, your
child could very well become "quote fodder" -- anything he says
might later appear in a HumourNet Collage under the heading:

"More Laughs at the Kids' Expense." (Kudos to Jacob for sending this
one in.)

If the problem becomes *really* severe, his quotes will be seen in a
piece entitled, "More Indications of Educational Shortcomings."
(Thanks are due Lorraine for this one.)

And if the problem is allowed to progress into adulthood, his
statements might be collected into an entire piece -- under the
heading, "Smarter Than The Average Rock." (See Collage 221.)

How do you prevent this? Well, being able to recognize the "Top Ten
Signs Your Parent-Teacher Conference Isn't Going Well" would be a
good start. (**HUGE** thanks to Kate for getting this gem of a piece
back to me -- and in record time! (See opener in Collage 223.))

It's the revised Kiddie Humor Collage. Enjoy! (Megan wants it that
way. But then, she's probably not really sure...)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: More Laughs at the Kids' Expense :-)

Kids say the darndest things. Some grade school teachers must
agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things
their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

[Editor's Note: This is an abridged version, since many of the kids'
quotes have run previously; see, for example, Collage 137. </vs>]

* The future of "I give" is "I take."

* The parts of speech are lungs and air.

* The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

* A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the
population.

* A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set
foot.

* The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

* A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then
forcing it through an aviator.

* Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

* The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
top and you sit on the bottom.

* We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get
our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

* One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

* A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.

* One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

* To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose
until it drips into the throat.

* The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

* The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

* Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply
religious feelings.

* The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at
the top and plural at the bottom.

* Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

* The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and
up the other.

* In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

* Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

* In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

* A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in
the winter.

[Editor's Note: I think this last one was from the kid that I hated
sitting next to in fourth grade. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Indications of Educational Shortcomings

Part I: The Kids

"This paper needs a few comas."

"When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home
in a urinal."

"We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."

"You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."

"It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled
over from nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord
in scrimmage."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Part II: The Parents From Whom They Learned It

"Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack
of whooping cranes in his chest."

"Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've
been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth.
Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past
week, as she had a case of the fool."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Signs Your Parent-Teacher Conference Isn't Going Well
By Suzy Red

10. The teacher asks if your child barks like a dog at home, too.

9. As you arrive, the teacher asks if you can spare a Valium.

8. On behalf of the entire class, the teacher expresses sympathy
for your marital problems.

7. The teacher says that you seem very intelligent and asks if your
child is adopted.

6. The teacher asks how the snake is doing, and you don't know what
she's talking about.

5. The teacher shows you $75 worth of dimes and quarters she found
in your son's desk, and you notice how thin the other children are.

4. The teacher encourages your family to take a week-long vacation
the week of standardized testing.

3. You spot your missing Weight Watchers records on the bulletin
board as a part of the Examples of Graphs display.

2. The teacher has a can of pepper mace stored in a shoulder holster.

1. The teacher tells you that she had hoped your son could be a
tree in the school play, but he lacked the necessary acting ability.

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