Collage 225               H u m o u r N e t               29 FEB 96

Compliments of Jack out there in Oregon, we have a follow-up to the
Gerry Finneran opener that appeared in Collage 171:

"Banker Pleads Guilty to In-Flight Mischief"

("Mischief"? Aren't we using that word just a little loosely here?)

NEW YORK - Gerard B. Finneran, 52, an investment banker accused of
defecating on a United Airline's food-service cart ...

(Look, Gerry, none of us actually *likes* the food on United, but...)

... and threatening a flight attendant, told a judge Monday he was
angry because he had been refused another glass of wine.

(Uh -- do the words "coddled during childhood" mean anything to you,
Gerry?)

Finneran pleaded guilty Monday to a federal misdemeanor charge for
making the threat aboard a flight from Buenos Aires to New York on
Oct 20. As part of a plea agreement, he also promised to reimburse
United Airlines $49,029 for cleanup costs and for other passengers'
tickets.

(I wonder if "cleanup costs" include sand blasting the food-service
cart?)

Finneran, the managing director at the Trust Company of the West,
faces up to six months in jail and a $5,000 fine when he is
sentenced May 14.

(Trust Company of the West? With the kind of emotional stability
he's demonstrated, I think Gerry missed his *true* calling: a job at
the U.S. Post Office.)

Prosecutors said in court papers that Finneran started pouring
drinks on himself during the flight, threatened one flight attendant
and shoved another into a seat.

"I was angry," said Finneran.

(You might want to look into some stress-management classes, Gerry.
Really. And don't take up any high-risk sports, either -- you're not
particularly good under pressure.)

Hopefully, that's a wrap (and a rap) for Gerry Finneran. Good luck
in the Big House, Ger -- and be sure fly Greyhound from now on.

Also on the topic of air travel (well, sort of) is this one from
Richard:

"Airport authorities in Ostend, Belgium, said Benin's former
president, Mathieu Kerekou -- who left his Boeing 747 at the airport
in 1989 never to fly it again -- will not have to pay a $430,000
parking ticket."

FOUR HUNDRED THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS? Sheesh! Guess he should have
left it in long-term parking rather than the daily lot. OTOH, maybe
the airport should pay *him* -- people parking beneath that 747
behemoth probably thought they were in the parking garage.

Either way, this is an interesting situation to me: Matt decides to
park the wheels (a rather fashionable -- and LARGE -- set of them,
by the way) at the airport, and blow off somewhere, never to return
for them. I've heard of people abandoning *cars*, but **747s**???
HOW DO YOU TOW A 747? Heck, if I were Matt, I'd leave a note on it
saying, "Abandoned Vehicle. Just TRY To Tow Me, Butthead." Or maybe
he should appeal to the airport authorities' sympathetic side, with
a note like: "Dead Battery."

And that's not *all* of the weird air-travel news we have in this
"All Aero Humor" Collage! The first piece, cleverly called "Weird
AeroNews" -- and being brought to us by the ever-prolific Lorraine --
has two more entertaining news tidbits from the world of air travel.

Kim sends us "Airplanes and the Military" and "Pilots' Hell."

"Puddle Jumping" appears c/o Ellen.

"Not All Wrights Are Natural Pilots" is presented with kudos to
Shawn (the now-infamous Bawdy.Net moderator).

Edmund provides "Seinfeld on Air Travel."

JD sends us the "Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers" piece.

And "Fly the Friendly Skies" is provided by Scott. (This one might
very well be urban legend, but it's entertaining, nonetheless. And
entertainment is what we're here for, right?)

Thanks also to Jack and Richard for the news stories used in the
opener.

It's *another* All-Aero-Humor Collage! (See also Collage 174.)

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Weird AeroNews

Among cities in which "mile high club" entrepreneurs were reported
operating recently were Hayward, CA, Santa Monica, CA, Meriden, CT,
and Cincinnati. For fees ranging from $199 to $279, a pilot will
fly a couple around for an hour so that they can have sex while
airborne. [San Francisco Chronicle, 2-13-95; Cincinnati Enquirer,
11-14-94; Chicago Tribune, 5-5-94]

In September, after U.S. Air had suffered two fatal crashes in
two months -- bringing to five the number of fatal crashes in five
years for the airline -- Steven Fink, a Los Angeles public-relations
specialist, told the Wall Street Journal: "To the casual observer,
there seems to be a disturbing pattern." [Wall Street Journal,
9-21-94]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Airplanes and the Military

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
  Ecole Superieure de Guerre

(According to Russell, this quote was made circa 1911...)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Puddle Jumping

Q: How can you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a
schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?

A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says:
"We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth
and nose, and breath normally."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Not All Wrights Are Natural Pilots

"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking
the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot stepladder with
a coat hanger."

- Steven Wright

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Seinfeld on Air Travel

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are
sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the
pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this.
Dammit, I did it again."

They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to
come on the P.A. system and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going
to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh ... Oh, God
this is so embarrassing ... I, I left the keys to the plane in my
apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm
sorry, I'll run back and get them."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and
need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the
farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be
delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence
as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the
seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the
boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go
to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to
you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to
you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the
more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pilots' Hell

The following joke appeared in Reader's Digest:

Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell,
where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy
escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right
back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit
where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight
checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There,
alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one
emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac
cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see many
beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain's
every whim.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil
reappeared. "Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be,
number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's
flight attendants' hell."

(Contributed to RD by Anna Florin)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fly the Friendly Skies

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and said, "F**k you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.
Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no
longer angry at United.

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