Collage 226               H u m o u r N e t                1 MAR 96

<More fun and fashion from the AP news service>

"Company to Revise Computer Toy with Problem Spell Checker"

("Problem spell checker"? That's putting it mildly. Check THIS
out...)

VERNON HILLS, Ill. - An educational computer toy may wind up
teaching children more than they need to know -- like how to spell
offensive words. Tiger Electronics Inc. said a spell-checking
dictionary that hadn't been edited for children was accidentally
installed in its Tiger Power Pack PC toy.

Pat Gillian and his wife, June, of Martinsburg, W.Va., discovered
the problem when their 9-year daughter was spelling a word that
began with the letter "f" and the spell-checker suggested an
expletive.

(Heh ... I'd like to see the search algorithm on *that* puppy!
"Accidentally installed," huh? :-)

When they attempted to type in the river Niger, the computer
displayed a racial slur, Gillian said.

(Omigosh -- I wonder if Larry Pratt was on the programming team?
(Collage 221)) (Sorry, couldn't resist that one. Well, okay, I
*could* have resisted it, but many of you would have been
disappointed -- and I can't have that, now, can I?)

"You fight those words with your kids, then you go and buy a toy
that says go ahead and use them," June Gillian said.

(I'm sure it's a feature, June. Just call Microsoft tech support --
they can explain the concept of a "feature" better than I can.)

The small computer, which costs under $100, includes math, spelling,
reading games, and trivia.

(Oh, well, there ya go: it isn't a problem in the spelling checker;
this is obviously just part of the "trivia" feature.)

"It was a mistake. We apologize for the inconvenience," Tiger
spokesman Marc Rosenberg said.

("Inconvenience," Marc? I'd *hate* to see what you consider a
"serious problem.")

"We want to rectify the situation as soon as we can," Rosenberg
said.  The company has been aware of the problem since a few weeks
before Christmas but the product was nearly sold out by then and a
decision was made not to recall it, Rosenberg said.

("We want to rectify the situation as soon as we can" ... "The
company has been aware of the problem since a few weeks before
Christmas but the product was nearly sold out by then and a decision
was made not to recall it." Is there a problem here? Perhaps the
second statement should read, "The company has been aware of the
problem since a few weeks before Christmas, but the product was
selling really nicely and we didn't want to hurt sales. Plus, no one
had *noticed* anything...." Sounds like Marc has been taking his
public-relations cues from Intel.)

Customers can exchange the computer for a revamped version in March.
Rosenberg would not say how much correcting the problem will cost
the company.

(Easy: One software design team.)

</AP News Story>

Well, so much for high-tech solutions to the education dilemma.
OTOH, just in case your child survives high-tech educational toys,
television, computers, the Internet, and the Republican Primaries,
and <gasp> makes it to college, we have a few useful pointers to
help him survive *that* experience, too ...

"Thanks!" are awarded as follows:

Sergio in the U.K. (I think) sends "Top Ten Reasons Why Studying is
Better Than Sex." This one *must* have been written by a parent.
Nonetheless, you might want to have little Johnny or Janey memorize
this list before the big departure date.

Margi sends us the "Top Ten Subtle Differences Between CMU and Hell."
(From the sound of it, Carnegie-Mellon is not exactly the University
of Tahiti.)

John takes credit for "How to Perk Up a Boring Lecture." (Hey, if
you already know you're going to fail the class ...)

Margaret Thatcher sends us "One Helluva Student Loan." (Okay, it
wasn't *really* "The Thatch," but I seem to have lost the attribution
on this one, and Margie just sounded pretty swank, that's all.)

Adam (from Adam's Humor List) takes credit for "The College Food
Chain" -- an truly awesome piece that is sure to get passed around
some university e-mail systems (probably already has).

Christopher sends the "Top Ten Lies Told By Grad Students" piece.
(Scary -- many of them look familiar.)

And, as always, thanks are due Jim for the AP news article.

It's yet another "Students and Education" Collage -- enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Reasons Why Studying is Better Than Sex

10. You can usually find someone (anyone!!!) to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up
where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has
opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation as a
"Book Teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the
middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Subtle Differences Between CMU and Hell
(From the back of a locally-brewed T-shirt)

10. It doesn't rain in Hell.

9. Everyone has heard of Hell.

8. It's more fun getting into Hell.

7. You can't fail out of Hell.

6. At least you can sleep in Hell.

5. Hell is forever, CMU just seems like it.

4. People smile in Hell.

3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.

2. You know there are hot women in Hell.

1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to CMU.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How to Perk Up a Boring Lecture
By Rocky Kassos

1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.

2. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say
that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.

3. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.

4. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.

5. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can
borrow his chalk to take notes.

6. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable
scientific proof.

7. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the
professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He
knows." Pick a different person each time.

8. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.

9. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer." Get someone to
pass it to the professor.

10. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the
class. Change clothes every time.

11. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he asks,
say "They were out of apples."

12. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous
lecture. Take notes on both.

13. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of
class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and
ask the professor to summarize what he talked about.

14. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you
didn't have time to eat breakfast.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: One Helluva Student Loan

Not even the Weimar Republic ever saw such incredible inflation.
Canadian Press reported that Michael Langille, a university student
from Halifax received notice in August of this year that his monthly
payments are totalled $365,395,413,965.06 -- on a loan worth
$10,162.

"I figured they were trying to get me to pay off Canada's debt
instead of my own," Langille said. His father upon being informed,
was concerned that family budget wouldn't be able to fund the $365
billion debt.

Fortunately, Langille wasn't expected to make the payment. "This
appears to be a typographical error," said CIBC National Student
Centre spokesman Rob Mcleod. "We are going to investigate it and
get a correct letter out to Mr. Langille."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The College Food Chain

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo!"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Lies Told By Grad Students
(From the Harvard Crimson)

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making
$80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

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</collage226>