Collage 227               H u m o u r N e t                7 MAR 96

I wasn't planning to send out a Collage today -- at least, not until
I received a message from a subscriber suggesting that my openers
would be a lot more amusing if I'd eliminate my "liberal pabulum
puking." (Really! I'm not making this up. I didn't even know what
"pabulum" meant. Thank God (and praise Allah) for the American
Heritage on-line dictionary.)

Now, this is interesting. First of all, I receive mail -- and
criticisms -- from both the right and the left. (This is to be
expected, since I poke fun at basically everyone.) So I'd like to
point out that this particular subscriber's message should not be
taken as being representative of the intellectual maturity level of
the average conservative. <g>

Second, a couple of subscribers wrote to me after my short string of
anti-PC collages (and I think I'm building up to another one, BTW) to
discuss my ostensibly right-wing perspective on the subject. Sheesh.
Ya just can't keep 1600 people in 56 countries happy these days. :-)

It's worth mentioning at this point that I really do not identify --
either in whole or in majority part -- with *either* political party.

But how does one *know* if he's aligned with one side of the
political debate or the other? Well, Steve W., from the Oracle Humor
List, provides us with two pieces to help us examine our political
tendencies:

"You Might Be a Conservative If"

and

"You Might be Liberal If."

Naturally, I couldn't help but provide my own insipid commentary :-)
throughout the pieces. Many thanks to Steve for the material. Enjoy!

(This one's sure to ruffle some feathers ... <g>)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--Please don't interpret my comments regarding my "liberal pabulum
puking" as a criticism of the subscriber. He was merely expressing his
first-amendment right to free speech, and I encourage such expression.
I do, however, reserve the right to use comments sent to me -- sans
subscriber name, of course -- as "opener fodder." :-)
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: You Might Be a Conservative If ...
by Chris Gladish

1. You watch the Rush Limbaugh show the same way your kid watches
"Barney and Friends."

2. You *believe* an adulterer who served his wife divorce papers
while she was in the hospital and later had to be taken to court for
lack of child-support payments when he talks about how he's for
"Family Values."

[Editor's Note 1: Or perhaps you *believed* that Ted Kennedy was
serving any purpose other than "expert witness" during the
Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings. </vs>]

3. You complain about the "liberal media" on any of the numerous
conservative political TV/radio talk shows.

4. You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wessen"
(sic).

[Editor's Note 2: That's *my* "sic" up there. Sadly, the gun-control
lobby isn't very good at spelling. </vs>]

5. You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by
crazy liberals.

6. You believe the Holocaust to be a myth created by crazy liberals.

7. You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social
gatherings with a vodka straight in hand.

8. You believe the Constitution states that Christianity is our
official religion.

9. You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national
television... oops, my mistake... that's "You might be Newt
Gingrich if.."

10. You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.

11. If you fit any of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck
if..."

[Editor's Note 3: And you can see the entire list in Collage 55,
too! </vs>]

12. You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed
to the teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other
weapon imaginable.

13. You actually believe that people might own AK-47s for "hunting
purposes."

14. You have faith in economic policies such as "trickle-down
economics."

15. You don't see why everyone's so down on Mark Fuhrman.

16. You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers
at the least.

17. The hostess at the Sizzler knows you by name.

18. You have a button that says, "I'm not prejudice (sic), I hate
everyone"

[Editor's Note 4: Once again, I'll take credit for the "sic."
Are liberals, then, the ones responsible for the signs that say,
"Ice Tea"? </vs>]

19. You can ask your daddy to bail you out when you lose hundreds
of thousands of dollars from embezzling S&Ls.

[Editor's Note 5: "Whitewater," anyone? :-) </vs>]

20. Your main source for news is an egocentric man named Rush who
distorts facts consistently to fit his views and opinions.

21. You want to find another out-of-work actor to play the
figurehead for the Republican party (perhaps Bonzo's free).

22. Your response to anything Bill Clinton says includes a
reference to Arkansas hillbillies.

23. You still attempt to defend Dan Quayle's intelligence.

24. You get offended if someone is unusually quiet on the way to a
funeral... oops, sorry, my fault again... thats another "You might
be Newt Gingrich..."

25. You refuse to talk to your sister because she's a lesbian...
dangit, sorry.. once again, another "You might be Newt..."

26. You obsessively impose your own morality upon others.

27. You wish to amend the Constitution to make desecration of the
flag illegal.

28. You wish to rewrite the first amendment to make desecration of
the flag illegal.

29. You wish to rewrite the first commandment to make desecration
of the flag illegal (and here, you thought you were such a good
Christian...).

30. You believe that if parents and teachers don't mention sex to a
child until he is 25, then he won't even know it exists until then.

31. You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black
community.

32. You must first don rubber gloves before shaking hands with a
homosexual.

33. You attribute the lack of close families to Murphy Brown.

34. You helped to ban Beavis from saying "fire," yet keep a loaded
handgun in the house (doesn't matter if it's hidden.. your kid
knows where it is, trust me.)

35. You have a sticker saying "Guns don't kill people, people do"
(and I suppose those little bullet things are harmless too).

[Editor's Note 6: That reminds me of my second-favorite bumper
sticker: "Guns Don't Kill People; I Do." </vs>]

36. You believe that everyone else should hold the same moralistic
and political views as you, and by God, you're going to see to it
that they do!

[Editor's Note 7: Liberals, of course, would never *dream* of doing
such a thing. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Might be Liberal If ...
By Chris Grawburg

1. You've ever left your sociology class thinking, "That professor
really knows what he/she/it is talking about."

2. You associate the words "model American" with "Bill Clinton."

3. You think Dan Rather represents media impartiality.

4. Your response to anything Rush Limbaugh says is, "Well, he's fat."

5. The first word in the description of your hair color is "neon."

6. You've ever tried to protect the ozone layer.

7. You've stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and
sandals.

8. You've ever given a dollar to a bum so he can buy more liquor
... ummm ... food.

9. You ever use the words "Clarence Thomas" and "Uncle Tom" in the
same sentence.

10. You are a vegan.

11. You have a bumper sticker that says "You Can't Hug With Nuclear
Arms."

12. You believe diversity represents the extinction of the white
race.

13. You've ever walked around carrying one of those Javahhh mugs.

14. You pay a 185 percent markup for [ostensibly] organically-grown
food.

15. You cheered for "Obstructing Justice Simpson."

16. You don't think it's right to kill rapists and murderers, but
do think it's right to kill babies.

17. You have anything to do with the Compassionate Living Fair.

18. You want more funding for AIDS research but less for cancer,
despite the fact that cancer kills many more people per year.

19. You have the entire menu at Cup-A-Joe memorized.

20. You consider yourself open-minded but refuse to listen to
anything Jesse Helms has to say.

[Editor's Note 8: Does Jesse Helms say anything worth listening to?
Just asking ... :-) </vs>]

21. You abhor censorship unless it's censoring race, religion,
conservatism, Western culture or Rush Limbaugh.

22. You found yourself unemployed after this past November's
election.

23. You're a dope smoker or a womanizer ... oh, sorry, that's "You
might be a Clinton cabinet official if ..."

[Editor's Note 9: Bob Packwood, anyone? </vs>]

24. You're the dolt who stole the "Helms '96" bumper sticker from
my car.

25. You think the phrase, "... separation of church and state" is
in the Constitution.

[Editor's Note 10: Um ... isn't it? </vs>]

26. You cry, "You can't legislate morality," but defend the Roe v.
Wade decision in order to legalize your moral position on abortion.

27. You stay informed by watching MTV News.

28. You have an "I'm Straight But Not Narrow" button pinned to your
book bag.

29. There is a ring in any part of your head other than your ears.

30. You think religion is bad for school kids to learn, but think
condom giveaways are just what schools need.

31. You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national
television ... oops, my mistake again, that's "You might be Mel
Reynolds if ..."

32. You think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black
community.

33. You think Jesse Jackson is good at anything.

34. You lie in bed at night worried that Pat Robertson might be out
to get you.

35. You attribute the rising illegitimacy rate, crime rate or
problems in the inner city to Ronald Reagan.

36. You've ever held up a grocery store line trying to pick between
plastic, which isn't biodegradable, or paper, which cuts down
innocent trees.

37. You think the National Organization for Women is composed of
average heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda.

38. You're on the committee to construct the Gay Jewish Women's
Cultural Center.

39. You blame Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but not the spend-
happy "Democrooks" for the huge national debt.

[Editor's Note 11: Or if you either (1) believe that the Dept. of
Defense receives the single largest chunk of the federal budget, or
(2) when faced with figures showing that Health & Human Services
actually receives the single largest piece of the pie, you respond
that it's easy to manipulate federal-budget figures. </vs>]

40. Banning assault weapons is your solution to end crime. (What
do you mean, "Punish the criminals"?)

[Editor's Note 12: Of course, *everyone* who acquires an AK47
wants it solely as a mantel decoration, right? </vs>]

41. You tell me how to live by telling me I can't tell people how
to live.

42. You think Ted Kennedy is sober and monogamous.

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