Collage 228               H u m o u r N e t                8 MAR 96

Here in Maryland, we received another commerce-stopping three-inch
snowfall last night. This, of course, means that we must once again
discuss:

Marylanders and Inclement-Weather Driving.

(See also Collages 205, 208, 211, and the ever-popular introduction
to the subject, Collage 197.)

When I left work at 1:00 this morning, we had about an inch of the
white stuff on the ground, with more coming down at a pretty decent
pace. Interstate 95 was mostly devoid of cars, primarily because many
of them had decided to park -- in various states of incapacitation --
just off the roadway. (Well, a couple of them volunteered for the
high-risk task of incapacitating themselves *on* the roadway, but
they were the minority.) One habit I will never understand is the
use of high-beam headlights during heavy snow (and fog, of course).
I guess these people find the snowflakes to be so pretty that they
want to light up as many as possible.

Last night's roadside carnage reminded me of my first "lesson" on
driving in the snow. It was mid-winter (which is, not surprisingly,
a very good time to learn to drive in the snow), I had just turned
17 and acquired my learner's permit, and we'd just had a pretty
sizable snowstorm. Naturally, I wanted to go driving around. Just
as naturally, my mom wasn't comfortable with the thought of watching
her car drive off into the snow with a learner's permit at the wheel.

So the old broad decided to take me out for a ride to show me "how
to drive in the snow." (This story is now a family legacy.)

Let me *very* briefly describe my mom: several years ago, while
driving on relatively tame mountain roads (Emerald Bay Pass in the
Lake Tahoe, California, area -- they even have guardrails there!),
she hid under the dashboard and cried until we were back on level
ground. How she produced a skydiving-instructor son is still a
matter of speculation.

So, we're in the car, driving on a four-lane (two and two) divided
highway. While crossing a bridge, the car started to slip a little.
Nothing serious, as long as you don't do anything rash, like slam on
the brakes.

My mom attempted to embed the brake pedal into the car's front grille.

(The old broad's a HumourNet subscriber, BTW (See Collages 153, 155,
172, and 175), so I'm probably being written out of her will as
you're reading this. I just want you all to know the lengths to which
I will go to bring you a good story.)

Now, one of the worst things you can do when a car starts to skid is
slam on the brakes. Physics sees to it that your vehicle will follow
the worst possible trajectory at that point.

When we had finally ceased our rotational and translational movement
(with assists from both bridge retaining walls), we were
conveniently parked in the center of the bridge, blocking both lanes of
southbound traffic. Luckily, there wasn't any southbound traffic, as
most other mothers had wisely decided to let their sons purchase their
*own* cars with which to learn about such things as winter driving
and cleaning footprints off the inside of the windshield. :-)

Following some coaxing from her neophyte passenger, the old broad
(she wasn't so old then, come to think of it) managed to drive the
car to a nearby shopping center, where we surveyed the damage: in
one brief moment, she had managed to trash *all four* sides of the
car -- an impressive accomplishment, to say the least.

Always the consummate teacher -- and never one to miss a teaching
opportunity -- she summed up the experience with, "Now that is what
you're *not* supposed to do when driving in the snow."

And thus did I learn -- the easy way -- how to drive in the snow.

More Marylanders really need to go for snowy drives with their
parents. And, apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks so. It has
been brought to my attention that the subject of inclement-weather
driving in this area has been a topic of discussion in a forum no
less pretentious than the floor of the United States Congress, itself.

Brian, down there at at Southwest Texas State University, stumbled
upon the piece entitled (herein) "Vermonters, Marylanders, and
Winter Driving" while doing research into the Telecommunications
Reform Act of 1996. I'm sure you'll find the piece to be as amusing
as Brian and I did. Plus, it really helps to vindicate me of alleged
subjectivity where snow and Maryland drivers are concerned.

And, just to show that, here at HumourNet, we pick on everyone
without prejudice, Shawn King (the Bawdy.Net moderator) presents us
with "Driving in Seattle: A Visitor's Primer." Apparently, a lot of
Marylanders have relocated out there. :-)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Vermonters, Marylanders, and Winter Driving

Purportedly from the Congressional record ...

MR. LEAHY: Mr. President, the distinguished Presiding Officer and
I both come from States where we know what winter weather is. I
daresay the distinguished Presiding Officer has probably heard a
weather report ... similar to one I heard in Vermont last weekend.
In the news they said, "By the way, we expect a dusting of snow
tonight, accumulations of no more than 3 to 4 inches." And nobody
thinks anything of it. If we have 10 inches of snow overnight,
schools still open, people still go to work.

I contrast that with the situation we face in the Washington area.
How many times have we turned on the TV in the morning ... and you
have all the people out there bundled up, and the poor camera person
has the bright lights on, trying to find one snowflake coming down.
They say, "Oh, and the latest report is the snow appears to be
gathering and we switch now to the head meteorologist," who, in a
state of panic, is saying, "And we may get accumulations of up to an
inch." An inch? My 86-year-old mother goes out with a broom and
sweeps anything up to 2 or 3 inches off the walk. Schools will
open, but here, if they open at all, it is 5 hours late. "Two
inches were spotted somewhere in the continental United States and
it might be moving this way."

Last night I drove home around midnight and I saw cars spinning off
the road for two reasons. One, they did not know how to drive; and
second, notwithstanding the fact that everybody knew an ice storm
was coming, apparently nobody thought to send out the sand trucks
and sand the road. This morning, at about 5:45 or so, when I drove
with my wife to work ... again, we saw cars spinning out all over
the place. They come roaring down to an intersection, [slam] on the
brakes ... and [look] amazed and surprised that the law (sic) of
physics applied. You have a heavy object, you have no traction: It
does not stop. It has [something] to do with the law of friction
and physics, something I suggest maybe we may want to teach [them].

We get into a situation around this area that the only effective
snow or ice removal is a couple of days of warm weather. I once
thought the reason we keep everything going in the little State of
Vermont is we must have a lot more equipment and a lot more people.
Apparently that is not so. Actually they have more down here. I
think they are saving it, though. They do not want to use up this
equipment. Maybe they are thinking someday another Ice Age will
come and we will need it then.

But in Vermont we do have cold weather. I remember a year or so ago
they closed down the Government here because it was about 25
degrees.

I was in Montpelier, VT, in the State capital that day and it was 15
degrees below zero. I walked from my office to the capitol. Every
place was open, everybody went to work. I constantly got stopped by
people on the streets who said, "We heard on the news they closed
down Government offices and everything in Washington because it is
25 degrees. They really mean 25 below, don't they?"

I said, "No, 25 degrees. That is 40 degrees warmer than it is here
where we are all going to work."

::snip::

Mr. President, I thank the Chair for its forbearance and I will be
happy to join with the distinguished Presiding Officer in offering
snowtime driving lessons to any of our colleagues who may wish
them--certainly to the media who report on four or five snowflakes
as though it was the coming of a new Ice Age.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Driving in Seattle: A Visitor's Primer

In order to commute by auto in Seattle, it is important to
understand the methods of driving already accepted as standard in
this area. The following is a set of standardized behaviors:

1 - That thingy on the steering column is not a turn indicator, it
is a turn "REQUESTER." Once you have placed your request, remain in
your lane until the car behind you passes. At that point, begin
this process again and continue until all cars have received your
request and passed. Should you decide at any time to actually
CHANGE lanes, be prepared for a hearty bleat of the horn from the
car behind you. Once all the cars have passed, change lanes quickly
and slow down.

2 - That thingy in the middle of your steering wheel is a mistake.
Never, ever push it -- it makes noise and frightens the people
around you. The only time it is acceptable to use that thing is if
you have decided that the person in front of you should not be
allowed to change lanes, but has done so anyway.

3 - While stopped at a green light, remember this rule: you must
wait at least 3 seconds for every car lined up behind you. If you
have trouble with the math, take your time and make sure you get it
right.

4 - Merging lanes of traffic follow the ancient native rhythms of
"you go, I go, I go, I go, you go, you go, we wait, I go, you honk,
I signal, you go," repeat.

5 - When leaving busy traffic to enter a driveway or other private
egress, stop completely before signaling, signal, then follow the
same "Rules of Waiting" outlined for green lights.

6 - If you are driving and another car is within seven feet of you
to either side, subtract 15 mph from your overall speed, preferably
without notice. If you are on a two-lane bridge or limited road,
subtract another 10 mph for safety's sake. When raining, look over
to the side of the road -- if you are traveling faster than
pedestrians, slow down.

7 - If you see snow, even if you THINK you see snow, pull over and
leave your vehicle immediately. For rain, see rule 6.

8 - Pedestrians have the right of way. This includes pedestrians
that have not entered the crosswalk, pedestrians thinking about
crossing the street, and pedestrians that just happen to be nearby.
When in doubt, apply the Rules of Waiting whenever a pedestrian is
within sight.

9 - If your car is suddenly grabbed from below and forced to move
more quickly, it's just gravity and you are on a hill. Step on the
brakes and slow down.

10 - Never, for any reason whatsoever, drive as if you have
someplace to go -- it will confuse and frighten those around you who
enjoy driving for hours on end.

11 - If you see a giant ball of flame, it's the sun. It will not
hurt you, but slow down, just to be sure.

A few notes about the Municipal Roadworks in Seattle ...

* If you decide to take a bus, set aside an evening to plan your
trip. You will need: Bus maps, a pad and pencil, a calculator, a
compass, a protractor and a ruler. Do not wait until your trip to
figure it out. You will not be allowed to ask people at the bus
stop -- strangers who talk out loud are frowned upon and considered
worth ignoring completely.

* Traffic lights are timed according to the same ancient native
rhythms described above. Translated, they are: Red, Green, Green,
Green, Red, Stop sign, yellow, Pioneer square, red. Never expect to
see more than two green lights in a row; if you do, report it
immediately. More than two green lights when you are stuck at a red
light do not count.

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