Collage 229               H u m o u r N e t               11 MAR 96

Karen and William team up to present us with this gem off the
news wire:

"Woman Uses Gun to Remove Callus"

(I wrote six (count'em!) openers while taking bumps in the Atlanta
airport, but I just couldn't pass up this particular story. BTW, the
presentation here is primarily from the Toledo Blade (Toledo, Ohio),
29 Feb 96.)

MUNCIE, Ind. -- A woman used a shotgun to remove a callus from her
foot after a bout of heavy drinking, city police said.

Bonnie Booth, 38, of Muncie, had tried to remove the callus with a
razor blade, but -- when that attempt was unsuccessful -- she
replaced the razor blade with a .410-gauge shotgun. After drinking
a substantial amount of liquor, she "shot herself in the foot,"
causing injury to her right foot in the process.

(Hopefully, there was no brain damage.)

According to police, she used the shotgun because she was afraid that
the callus was becoming infected.

(Personally, I'd like to know how this chick handles a really bad
headache.)

She was hospitalized in good condition.

("Hospitalized in good condition" -- from the *neck down*, perhaps.)

Ah, the intellectual proletariat -- and this Collage contains a
whole assortment of them!

The following stories are presented c/o Jim in L.A.:

"Man's 911 Call Prevents His Own Burglary,"
"Man Using Gun to Hammer Nail Shoots Self and Wife,"
"Man Targeting Woodpeckers Shoots Self Instead," and
"All Those Numbers Can Get So Confusing."

John in Denver sends "One Down, Two To Go."

Jeff swears that "With Friends Like These" is true. (Nothing
personal, but I really hope he's wrong.)

Eric provides "Police Car Plays Taxi, Gives Lift to Jail."

And finally, "Jailbirds" comes to us from Claus in Denmark.

Huge "*THANKS*" to the contributors!

It's an "Intellectual Proletariat" Collage. (It was either that, or
the "March of Times Poster Children" Collage (insensitive toward the
*real* M.o.D. children) or the "Eight More Reasons For Roe v. Wade"
Collage (more liberal pabulum puking). Oh, well. :-) Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Man's 911 Call Prevents His Own Burglary

ST. LOUIS (AP) - A man's 911 call stopped a burglary in progress --
his own.

Ronald Haegele slipped into a health center on Tuesday and hid in a
bathroom until the building closed, police said.

After discovering that valuable equipment and medicines were locked
up, he started stuffing office supplies into his pocket.

Then he realized there was no way out.

So he called police, and told them that an absent-minded guard had
"buzzed" him into the building to use a bathroom, then had forgotten
he was inside.

The building has no buzzer security system.

While he was inside, Haegele also set off an alarm and twice
answered phone calls from a security guard, said police Officer
Deborah Reinarman.

Haegele, 32, was charged with burglary and theft.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: One Down, Two To Go

(AP) - James P. Maynard, 22, was driving through Charleston, WV,
with two friends. They were playing a game while he drove. Russian
Roulette.

"He pointed the gun at one guy, and it clicked. He pointed it at
his own head and it clicked," says a police spokesman. "The third
time he pulled it, it went off."

The car, with its driver shot in the head, went out of control and
crashed into a wall. Maynard is in critical condition and the two
passengers were injured.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Man Using Gun to Hammer Nail Shoots Self and Wife

LANCASTER, S.C. (AP) - A man who tried to use a gun as a hammer
instead shot himself and his wife.

Richard Gardner, 23, of Fort Lawn was trying to nail some molding at
his mother-in-law's house on Christmas night when the gun went off.

Gardner was treated for a hand wound and his wife, Mary Ann Gardner,
21, was treated for a wound to the abdomen. Both were released by
Tuesday, hospital officials said.

Gardner's mother-in-law, Molly Goodman, told Lancaster County
sheriff's deputies she asked him to repair the hallway molding.
When he couldn't push it back into place with his hands, he went
into the living room and got the .25-caliber handgun, she said.

He was using the butt of the gun to nail the molding when the gun
went off. Gardner put his wife in their car and drove to the
hospital, Goodman said.

The sheriff's report said Gardner thought the gun was empty.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Man Targeting Woodpeckers Shoots Self Instead

SANTA ROSA, Calif. (AP) - A man pestered by woodpeckers fluttering
around his home headed out to shoot at them, but apparently slipped
and shot himself instead, police said.

The body of Gary Bowers, a well-known local businessman, was found
outside his home about noon Thursday.

Detectives were told that Bowers, reportedly in his early 50s, had
been bothered by woodpeckers and had been using a pellet gun to
shoot them. On Thursday, he apparently decided to use a shotgun,
but slipped on the front porch en route to his targets, police Sgt.
Tom Combs said.

"I heard what I thought was a shot, and I didn't pay that much
attention to it," said neighbor Virginia Truzzolino.

[Editor's Note: "Neighbors" being interviewed in Washington, D.C.,
often make the same comment. </vs>]

Combs said an autopsy and a test for gun residue will be conducted
to determine whether Bowers fired the shot. Authorities at first
had suspected foul play, but later discounted that theory.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: All Those Numbers Can Get So Confusing

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuter) - A prisoner who escaped from a California
jail was caught by police after he dialed emergency number 911 by
mistake, officials said Tuesday.

Tonga national Maliu Mafua, 27, escaped from the San Mateo County
prison last Friday but was caught one day later when he dialed 911
instead of 411 for directory assistance from a pay phone.

A call to 911 alerts police to an emergency. Officers responding to
the call knew something was awry when they saw Mafua wearing a shirt
that read "Property of the San Mateo County Jail."

[Editor's Note: Even the *police* thought this was odd. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: With Friends Like These ...

A 16-year-old high school boy was rescued by paramedics in Castle
Rock, Colorado (about 20 miles south of Denver) on Feb 22. The
16-year-old and some "friends" left the high school to go to a
nearby field. Their plan was to get high sniffing fumes. The
16-year-old sprayed air freshener on his shirt, inhaled deeply and
passed out.

His "friends" were unable to revive him. Several of the students
ran to the high school for help while one 17-year-old boy remained
to continue resuscitation efforts. How? By pulling a razor blade
out of his wallet and slicing the unconscious boy's wrists, of
course.

Why? The 17-year-old explained that he didn't think his friend was
getting enough oxygen to the brain, therefore, by slitting his
friend's wrist, the blood in his arms would mix with the air and
carry more oxygen to the brain and revive the boy.

[Editor's Note: Good thing he didn't have a revolver on him ...
"I thought that by blowing a nice, large hole through his head that
the air could get to his brain faster." Apparently, the kid who
passed out wasn't the only one whose brain wasn't getting enough
oxygen. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Police Car Plays Taxi, Gives Lift to Jail
[From the 2/28 San Francisco Chronicle]

A San Mateo man has found out the hard way the difference between a
taxi and a police car.

San Mateo County sheriff's deputies reported yesterday that Leslie
Paul Durnell, 30, was drunk when he climbed into an unmarked
sheriff's car at 1:50 a.m. Saturday on the 100 block of Harbor
Boulevard and asked to be taken to an address.

When ordered out, he became verbally abusive and struck an officer
who tried to arrest him, they said.

"What the f*** kind of taxi are you," he was quoted as saying in a
police report.

He was booked on suspicion of assault and battery on a peace officer
-- after receiving a free ride to jail.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jailbirds

[Claus expands our consciousness with this important piece of
information: "The name 'Horseroed' has nothing to do with the
animal. A horse in Danish is 'hest.'" </vs>]

A prison guard in "Horseroed," a Danish prison for women (or, in
these PC times, a "correction center for womyn"), was very surprised
one morning to find not only the usual female "guest" in her cell,
but also a very sleepy male. He turned out to be the inmate's
boyfriend, who -- in the middle of the night and apparently without
the slightest problem -- had skipped security, found the proper
cell, and slipped under the covers.

He now faces criminal charges for breaking *into* a prison.

[Editor's Note: So, what's his penalty? Being forced to remain a
member of society? </vs>]

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage229>