Collage 230               H u m o u r N e t               12 MAR 96

Rumor has it that Jack Kevorkian (AKA "Dr. Death") has once again
been acquitted of all charges against him. For those of us on the
liberal-pabulum-puking (Collage 227) "Right to Death" side of the
fence, this is very good news.

(Dr. Kevorkian aside, isn't it kinda ridiculous to make suicide
*illegal*? I mean, what are the police supposed to do when they find
someone who's just committed suicide? "You have the right to remain
silent....")

As far as Kevorkian's concerned, he's providing a clear and useful
service -- one that would be *more* useful, however, if he would be
just a little more selective about his "patients." Thus, may I
present to you ...

THE TOP TEN ASSISTED SUICIDES WE'D LIKE TO SEE ...

10. Andy Rooney

9. Homer Simpson

8. OJ Simpson

7. Oprah

6. Geraldo

5. Anyone who helped draft the Communications Decency Act

4. Beavis & Butthead

3. Ted Kennedy

2. Kathy Lee Gifford

1. Barney

(I avoided the urge to put Bill Gates in the #1 slot. :-)

And thus do we come to another "Miscellaneous Humor" Collage, with
kudos presented as follows ...

Matt, for "Spotting the Dolly";

Shawn, the Bawdy.Net moderator, for "Diving Humor";

Matt from NSW, Australia -- who swears on a case of Foster's that the
Aussies fought the Germans during World War Two (I knew the Aussies
had fought the Spanish after they had bombed Pearl Harbor during World
War 1, but I had no idea about the European connection during WWII :-)
-- for "Aussie Guns";

Larry, for "I Wonder Whom They Hired?";

Anonymous (well, it wasn't supposed to be, but the record showed the
submission as being from "Vince Sabio, HumourNet Moderator," and I
*know* I didn't submit it), for "U.N. Approves Air Strikes on Tonya
Harding" (*);

And Susie, for "1996: The Year in Review." (It's an awesome piece,
BTW.)

A big "THANKS!" to this issue's contributors. Enjoy!

(*) I'd like to thank Michel in France for his invaluable assistance
on this piece.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Spotting the Dolly

Q. How do you know Dolly Parton has been for a jog?
A. She's got black eyes.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Diving Humor

Q: Why do divers dive backward off the side of the boat?
A: Because if they went forward, they'd land IN the boat.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Aussie Guns

Well, the scene is World War II in the trenches of Europe. The
Australians are fighting the Germans. The battle is intense. While
the fighting continues day and night the Australian Battalion
Commander comes up with a dynamite plan. The plan is as follows:

The Australians will yell out "Fritz!" which is a common German
name, and when a Fritz answers, the Diggers (Aussie Soldiers) will
blow the German's brains out.

So they put this into action...

Aussie yells "Fritz!"
German replies "Ya?"
Aussie guns reply BOOM!

Aussie yells "Fritz!"
German replies "Ya?"
Aussie guns reply BOOM!

Aussie yells "Fritz!"
German replies "Ya?"
Aussie guns reply BOOM!

This continues for two days. The Germans are getting low on men.
So the commanding German officers try to think of a counterattack.

The Germans are thinking, "What's a common Australian name?" and
suddenly a commander comes up with "John." So they put this plan
into action...

German yells "John!"
Aussie replies "Is that you Fritz?"
German replies "Ya!"
Aussie guns reply BOOM!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I Wonder Whom They Hired?

From the February 19, 1996 Indianapolis Star, Classified Ads,
Employment -- Sales:

"Tiresome and boring remodeling company seeks indolent people with
a total lack of sales-mindedness for a job that is completely
without challenge. Call J.C., 381-4165."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: U.N. Approves Air Strikes on Tonya Harding

NEW YORK (AP) -- In a surprise announcement, U.N. General Secretary
Bhoutros Bouthros-Ghali declared his approval of air strikes against
the troubled American skater, Tonya Harding.

"In light of other United Nations humanitarian efforts, we feel it
is only humane to alleviate the plight wrought on our tormented
world by this woman," Mr. Ghali was quoted as saying.

UN resolution 1432.b states, "Any military action in the form of a
massive conventional bombing attack against the personage of Tonya
Harding will be sanctioned and applauded by the body of the United
Nations."

Tonya could not be reached for a direct comment on the resolution,
though she made a reference to it while beating a Walmart greeter.
(She reportedly was bludgeoning the 76-year-old man for failing to
offer her a shopping cart.) "Air Force, schmear force -- what do I
care, I drive one of those bitchin' old Firebirds. You know, the
ones with the big Turkey emblems on the hood. That bird decal makes
you go faster, you know!"

President Clinton could not be reached for comment either, though
Defense Secretary, William Perry, was quoted as saying, "Well, I
could think of worse uses of our military." In a reference to the
previous administration's inability to eliminate Saddam Hussein, Mr.
Perry added, "If we do make a strike, we have to go all out. Finish
the job."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 1996: The Year in Review
By Joe Lavin

As we come to the end of 1996, it is time for us to look back on
some of the events that made 1996 one of the most exciting years in
recent memory. Here are just a few of the highlights:

January 23, 1996 -- Bob Dole announces that he is against forest
fires, athlete's foot, and that bad feeling you get from eating ice
cream too quickly. His poll numbers increase dramatically.

January 30, 1996 -- The Buffalo Bills appear in their fifth Super
Bowl. Down 37-3 midway through the second quarter, the Bills
relocate their franchise to Orlando in a desperate attempt to go to
Disney World.

February 11, 1996 -- Despite the fact that he is no longer
technically alive, Richard Nixon enters the New Hampshire Republican
primary. Two days later, Nixon defeats Bob Dole. As one voter
said, "Bob Dole is just too old to be President. We need someone
younger and more energetic. Nixon's our man."

February 29, 1996 -- A really pissed off four year old finally
celebrates his first birthday.

March 11, 1996 -- Something happens in Bosnia. With the exception
of one reporter from National Public Radio, no one understands
exactly what it is. Nevertheless, it is the lead story on all
newscasts.

March 25, 1996 -- Tom Hanks wins his third consecutive Best Actor
Oscar for "Apollo 13." The Academy also revokes Anthony Hopkins'
1991 Best Actor Oscar for "Silence of the Lambs." The 1990 Oscar is
given retroactively to Tom Hanks. "Despite Hopkins' (sic) fine
performance, we just could no longer ignore Hanks' (sic) fine work
in 'Joe Versus the Volcano,'" an Academy press release announces.

April 15, 1996 -- Several Americans have this strange feeling that
there was something they were supposed to do on this day.

April 30, 1996 -- Citing financial difficulties, Art Modell
announces that he plans to move his Baltimore Browns to Albuquerque
where they will play basketball as the 31st franchise of the NBA.
Baltimore city officials consider legal action.

May 16, 1996 -- Michael Jackson does something kind of freaky again.

June 12, 1996 -- OJ Simpson plays golf. The nation cowers behind
locked doors knowing that the evil Colombian drug smugglers who
killed Nicole Simpson are still free.

June 14, 1996 -- All of America closes down in celebration of that
most special of holidays, Flag Day.

July 6, 1996 -- Bill Gates buys Disney. It is revealed that Bill
Gates now owns all of America -- except for a small Kentucky Fried
Chicken franchise in Mason, GA, that is owned by a Mr. Yuki Harada
of Tokyo, Japan.

July 26, 1996 -- Day 7 of the Summer Olympics in Atlanta. Millions
of normally sane people actually watch cycling on television. They
do not know why.

August 3, 1996 -- On Day 229 of the partial government shutdown, a
budget agreement is finally reached when the Democrats and
Republicans decide just to put everything on Visa.

August 29, 1996 -- Humor columnist Joe Lavin is hired by a newspaper
and is paid to write silly columns like this. Hint, hint.

September 14, 1996 -- "Forrest Gump II" becomes the highest-grossing
film of all time. The entire world is drawn to the remarkable story
of a simple man riding a big dinosaur that will explode if it goes
under 50 MPH.

September 29, 1996 -- Mark Fuhrman's new daytime talk show "Mark!"
debuts to rave reviews.

November 5, 1996 -- Bill Clinton is reelected President in a
stunning landslide. An ABC News/Washington Post poll reveals that
while only 13% of voters preferred Clinton, 87% of the people who
planned to vote against him simply "forgot he was still President."

November 20, 1996 -- Oliver Stone's controversial new film, "Ford,"
is released. Close friends and relatives of President Ford are
outraged, claiming, "Well, he didn't fall down that much."

December 15, 1996 -- Millions of journalists finish their year in
review articles and go on vacation for the remainder of the year.

December 30, 1996 -- A Mr. Yuki Harada of Tokyo, Japan sells a
small Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise in Mason, GA, to Bill Gates
for a record $3.6 billion. "At last," Bill Gates says in a press
conference. "The Colonel's secret recipe is mine. All mine."

Wow. What a year it was. Hopefully, 1997 will be half as exciting.

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