Collage 231               H u m o u r N e t               13 MAR 96

According to a USA Today report (6 Mar 96), the United States is
sending 200 police officers from New York, Washington, Miami, and
several other large U.S. cities to -- get this -- Bosnia.

Yup, Bosnia.

As if civil war and massive human-rights violations aren't bad
enough, we now need to introduce the Bosnians to drug trafficking
and police corruption. :-) Hopefully, the U.N. will give traffic
radar guns to the police contingent to help keep them busy....

According to the report, "Officers are required to have eight years'
of police experience, speak English, and be qualified to drive a
car. Many member nations have had trouble finding officers who meet
those requirements, says U.N. spokesman Hiro Ueki." Well, here in
the U.S., most officers speak at least some form of English (although
in many states that we won't name here -- like Mississippi and
Louisiana -- that's an arguable point) and I wouldn't expect the
eight years' experience requirement to be a problem ... so I guess
the source of the difficulty is finding officers who are qualified to
drive.

The report continues, "The police force is considered important to
safeguard evidence of wartime atrocities and mass graves..."

("Safeguard evidence"? I noticed that no reference was made to the
L.A. police being included in the contingent. :-)

"... and to make sure that local police don't violate human rights."

Should be effective, too -- N.Y.C. cops *hate* competition.

It'll be an interesting venture. I really feel sorry for the Bosnian
people, though: first the civil war, now *this*. :-)

Well, today's Collage features police and police-related humor and
news stories. (I'm still trying to clear out the "weird news"
buffer.) Credits are presented as follows:

Scott, for "Top Ten Things to NOT Say to a Cop When You're Pulled
Over";

Paul in the U.K., for "More Help From the Bobbies";

Jim, for "Man Who Barked at Police Dog Now Must Answer in Court,"
"Training Aids," "Smuggler of the Year," and "Virgin Recruits";

And Jack, for "Where's Lorena When You Need Her?"

Many thanks to this issue's contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Things to NOT Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over ...
(AKA "Ten Easy Ways to Spend the Night in Jail")

10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?

8. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

7. Let's get a twelve pack on the way to the station.

6. You'll never get those cuffs on me, you wimp!

5. Come on, write the damn ticket--the bars close in 20 minutes!

4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

2. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just happy to
see me?

1. I'm surprised you stopped me! Dunkin Donuts is having a three-
for-one special.

[Editor's Note: This one is only likely to land you in jail if,
upon arriving at Dunkin Donuts, the officer finds out it isn't
true. :-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Help From the Bobbies

A Reading (U.K.) student, unable to start her car, says police
advised her to put a potato in the exhaust. She did so, and the car
blew up. Police denied all knowledge.

[Editor's Note: Did they really deny *all knowledge*, or just any
familiarity with the girl's claim? </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Man Who Barked at Police Dog Now Must Answer in Court

PORTLAND, Maine (AP) - A man who barked at a police dog inside a
parked patrol car was detained and ordered to appear in court on a
charge of taunting the German shepherd.

Johnny Mathis, 20, said he didn't mean to cause trouble when the
dog, Zedo, began barking on Saturday and he barked back.

[Editor's Note: Lemme get this straight: *Johhny Mathis* was
arrested for barking at a police dog. ;-) </vs>]

"I had finished barking. I had stopped barking, and the police
still arrested me," Mathis said.

[Editor's Note II: Imagine *any* police report in which you find
yourself using the words "I had finished barking" to explain your
actions. </vs>]

Police said Mathis and a friend started the incident by teasing Zedo
with their barking. After a policeman warned them that teasing the
dog was illegal, Mathis continued barking, police Sgt. Steve Plympton
said.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Training Aids

HUNTINGTON BEACH (CNS) - Three Huntington Beach police academy
instructors lost their jobs after ordering cadets to eat cigarette
sandwiches as punishment for smoking, it was reported today.

The cadets vomited. One collapsed and was taken unconscious to a
hospital.

Academy Director Hugh Foster said the training advisers are no
longer employed at the Criminal Justice Training Center at Golden
West College.

Foster said the two cadets admitted to being smokers Friday during
an early morning inspection, then were ordered to eat the cigarette
sandwich.

Foster said the two recruits were ordered to place their cigarettes
between two pieces of bread and to take two bites each.

After that, they were both ordered to do about 250 pushups and 50
pull-ups.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Smuggler of the Year

MEXICO CITY (Reuter) - An officer voted "Policeman of the Year" in a
northern Mexican state has been arrested on suspicion of drug
trafficking after being detained with 436 pounds of marijuana, the
Televisa television network reported.

It said Jose Armando Cruz Gutierrez was voted policeman of the year
just two months ago by colleagues in the Chihuahua state detective
force who gave him a new car as a prize.

The attorney-general's office confirmed Cruz's arrest, adding in a
statement that three other policemen were detained with him
including Chihuahua state detective police commander Gerardo
Maximiliano Coronel and his wife.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Virgin Recruits

JAKARTA, Indonesia (Reuter) - Virginity has been declared compulsory
for women cadets entering the Indonesian police and military forces.

The Pos Kota newspaper quoted Indonesian police chief Gen. Banurusman
Astroemitro as telling a parliamentary commission a woman's virginity
would have to be verified before she could enter academies for the
military, which includes the police.

He said some women entering military academies have had to leave
after they were discovered to be pregnant.

"The result is that the female cadet soldier must end her education,"
he said. Answering legislators' questions, Banurusman said: "If
needed, the examination can be done by a woman doctor."

[Editor's Note: I'm surprised that the good General isn't performing
the examinations himself -- just to be *sure*, of course. :-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Where's Lorena When You Need Her?

SANTA ROSA, CA - Marcellus Henry Harper III was arraigned on 17 sex
charges today. He showed up in court with several bruises, a black
eye, patches of hair missing, and over a hundred stitches in his
head.

It seems he crawled through a bathroom window and sexually assaulted
a twelve-year-old girl. The father interrupted the assault. The
mother, father, and twin sister of the victim then beat Marcellus
with skillets, pots, pans, and a heavy glass plate for over a half
hour until police responded to the 911 call.

Harper was taken to the hospital to be patched up, then to jail.

The family has been overwhelmed with donations of money and
cookware. [The Press Democrat, 15 Feb 95.]

[Editor's Note: The guy *survived*? These people obviously need some
HEAVIER COOKWARE! :-) <vs>]

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage231>