Collage 232               H u m o u r N e t               14 MAR 96

Someone wrote to me this week to ask if I could do a sports-humor
Collage. Now, those of you who've been with me for a while know my
opinion of professional sports (Collages 184 and 186, among others);
for those of you who are new, suffice it to say that I don't relate
very well to the concept of spending an entire afternoon (much less
an evening) glued to the T.V., watching *other people* have fun.

It's simple: sports fans are weird.

I think the root of the problem lies in a fundamental inability to
separate fantasy from reality. Just look at the stats: Superbowl
Sunday -- shall we say -- *sports* the highest rate of wife abuse
throughout the year. Consistently.

Wife abuse? Superbowl Sunday?

IT'S A *GAME*, FERCHRISSAKE! G - A - M - E, "*GAME*"! Get a grip!
Let me type this slowly so our sports-fan subscribers can understand
it: "G a m e"   n o t   e q u a l   "r e a l i t y."

For those of you who are *still* a wee bit confused, here's what
American Heritage has to say about "game":

"a. Wild animals, birds, or fish hunted for food or sport. b. The
flesh of these animals, eaten as food."

Whoops -- wrong definition. Try this one:

"An activity providing entertainment or amusement; a pastime."

Two key words there are "entertainment" and "amusement." (Can you
find a third?) So, a "game" is basically like HumourNet -- and you'd
think someone was pretty weird if he beat his wife because he didn't
like what he was reading on HumourNet, right?

Okay, now we're making some headway.

Surely, not everyone who watches professional sports is that out of
touch with reality. But the people we always hear the most about are
the ones who are the most obsessed -- and some of the most obsessed
sports fans are in ... the U.K.

"Flying Dogs"
[Glasgow Herald, 8 Feb 96 (my b'day:-)]

(This one is from Alan in Scotland, who asks us to bear in mind that
the Rangers fans are predominantly Protestants, whereas Celtic fans
are predominantely Catholic. Note, also, that both of the teams are
located in Glasgow.)

"A Rangers supporter who had been drinking was infuriated when he
heard Celtic songs coming from the back of the bus, so he threw his
dog at the singer, Linlithgow Sheriff Court was told yesterday."

Um, let me make sure I understand this correctly ... this guy heard
*songs*, supporting the rival team, being sung in the back of the
bus, so he THREW HIS DOG at the singers? *This* is lunacy.

"Eddie Copeland, 52, who admitted breach of the peace and causing
unnecessary suffering to his dog, was thrown off the bus -- with his
Jack Russell Terrier."

Aren't there crisis-intervention centers for abused dogs? There
should be. Or perhaps an IQ requirement for prospective dog owners.

Another group of people who take their sport much too seriously is
golfers. Here, the *real* challenge seems to be avoiding narcolepsy
during 18 holes. The way these people talk, you'd think they were
athletes. Ha. There's nothing to it. I used to play golf, and I
averaged 85 without so much as a single lesson. Of course, I did a
little worse on the *back* nine ... :-)

Well, we start off this "Sports Humor" Collage with some golf humor:
"Priorities," from Richard.

Then we move on to some people who *really* take their sports just a
little too seriously, with "Weird Sports News" from Lorraine.

And finally, Adam follows it up with the magnificently humorous
piece, "A Skier's Dictionary."

As always, many thanks to our contributors -- and especially to Alan
for the "Flying Dogs" article.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Priorities

A golfer returned home late one evening. His wife was quite upset
and demanded to know why he was so late. He explained what had
happened to him on the way home from the golf course:

"I was driving home and saw a car stopped beside the highway. A
woman was out trying to change a tire, so I stopped to help. Her
spare tire wasn't in very good shape, and I wanted to make sure she
got home OK, so I drove along behind her. Once we got to her place,
she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another, and before
I really knew what was happening we were in her bed having sex.
Finally I realized how late it was and I left, jumped in the car and
hurried home. I'm sorry I'm so late."

"Don't lie to me, you [CDA-censored expletive]," his wife said.
"You stayed and played an extra round, didn't you?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Weird Sports News
by Chuck Shepherd

* Belgian cardiologist Pedro Brugada won an amateur golf tournament
in Brussels in June despite suffering a heart attack during the
final round. He was revived on the course by an opponent-physician,
rushed to the hospital, and released after about 90 minutes to go
back to the course. [Toronto Star-Reuters, 6-13-95]

* In an August medical journal article, researchers reported that
retirement-community golfers were exceptionally prone to contracting
tick-borne infections if they were bad golfers. Researchers believe
that golfers who kept the ball in the fairway and out of the rough
have a small likelihood of becoming infected. They recommend that
bad golfers use new balls rather than retrieve old ones from the
rough. [New England Journal of Medicine, 8-17-95]

* Sue Olsen, 38, finished the Grandma's Marathon (26 miles) in
Duluth, Minn., on June 16, then ran 100 kilometers in an
ultramarathon in Minneapolis on June 17 and 18, and followed that up
late on June 19 by going into labor and producing 7-pound, 3-ounce
John Miles Olsen on June 20. [St. Paul Pioneer Press, 6-28-95]

* Britain's Guardian Weekly reported in November that, even though
Iranian dress codes prohibit the country's fielding women's Olympic
teams for swimming, track and field, and basketball, they will have
a women's kayaking team. However, the coach acknowledged that the
team members' robes and veils add up to 10 seconds to their time
over a 550-yard course. [Guardian Weekly, 11-12-95]

* In the last regular-season game for the University of Virginia's
football team, with the score tied, a Virginia Tech player
intercepted a pass and ran down the sideline to the end zone to give
Tech a 36-29 win. As the player ran past the Virginia bench, the
team trainer, Joe Gieck, a member of the trainers' hall of fame,
stuck his leg out onto the field but failed to make contact. Gieck
said he only meant to "distract" the player, not trip him.
[Washington Post, 11-21-95]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A Skier's Dictionary
Condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary"
By Henry Bread and Roy McKie

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted
request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain.
An appropriate reply: "What's Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also:
Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially
serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending
the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other
skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be
protected from serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay,
however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a
skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain
snow-traveling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require
the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It
isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in
scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the
hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of
the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys
dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for
the slopes:

  *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a
  flight of stairs.

  *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your
  skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.

  *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
  then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict
circulation, but not so close fitting as to allow any manual
dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without
permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect
skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings
jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction
or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes
along with these other physical laws:

  * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side
  will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will
  have larger hospital bills.

  * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
  out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in
  this universe.

  * When an infinite force meets an immovable object, an
  unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump
just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall
just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it
with a prescream and a few pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the
point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the
soreness from the strained ankle begins.

"Ski!": A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming
down the hill. Another warming skiers should be familiar with is
"Avalanche!" -- which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the
hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break
them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your
arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your
hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your
eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips
should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and
simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.

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