Collage 233               H u m o u r N e t               15 MAR 96

I've received some very amusing responses to yesterday's "Sports
Humor" opener (Collage 232) -- which, BTW, is in the archives in a
slightly better-edited state than the version you received in the
mail (oops). And now, it's time to make a whole host of *new* errors
that will evade my spelling checker ....

Nigel in Canada makes this observation about golfers:

"I would like to point out that golf is a lot like bird watching.
Those with a well-developed sense of exaggeration tend to do very
well. This also holds for train spotting."

And certainly for fishing, as well, Nigel.

And Adam points out the following:

"I've also noticed that the amount of intelligence and maturity
athletes possess seems inversely proportional to popularity of the
sport they play."

Right. Same goes for the fans, I think. :-) Note that chess does not
enjoy wide-ranging popularity as a spectator sport. Football, OTOH...
well, *you* do the math.

I also received some *very* entertaining mail in response to my
"Traveling With Kids" opener (Collage 223), but the best comments
came from Angie:

"... parents should be able to purchase a car outfitted like a
police car -- you know, with wire mesh between the front and back
seats (or better yet, soundproof glass), no doorknobs on the insides
of the rear doors, no carpet, only vinyl seats (so you can hose them
down) and ... each child should be separated from the other by wire
mesh too small to poke a finger through. (Of course, they could
still spit at each other, but you couldn't hear them scream 'cause
you'd be on the other side of the soundproof glass.)"

(Angie is obviously a seasoned parent.)

"One thing you might try if you ever decide to do that again: Get
each child a Walkman and a bunch of tapes. That seems to help keep
them quiet (for awhile). Duct tape and handcuffs will also work but
sometimes you get funny looks from passengers in other cars. (Dark-
tinted glass in your windows helps. :-)"

Hmmmm ... I think Angie has been taking child-rearing lessons from
my parents. :-)

Obviously, *this* opener doesn't have a prayer of developing any
kind of "theme" at this point, so I'll just wing it from here ...

Thank God Steve Forbes has dropped out of the Republican primaries.
Is it my imagination, or is he basically a combination of Mr.
Rogers and Dr. Seuss? I don't think he's "charisma challenged," as
some have claimed; I think Forbes is "lexicographically challenged."
If I had to hear him repeat the phrase, "... our message of hope and
prosperity for all Americans ..." one more time -- especially in
response to a simple "Yes/No" question -- I would have been forced
to personally mount a counter-campaign against him.

On the lighter side (hey, writing these theme-less openers is a
piece of cake), we have *this* in the pseudo-news:

"In a joint announcement of the National Association for the
Advancement of Political Correctness (NAAPC :-) and the Oil
Producing and Exporting Countries (OPEC), the term "crude oil" is
being replaced by the somewhat-less-offensive "socially-challenged
oil." (See Collage 187 for a similar announcement from NIH and OPEC.)

And on the lighter side of the *real* news, Paul in the U.K. sends
us this contribution:

"Officials of the Buckinghamshire County Council have decided to
change the name of their Property Information & Surveying Services
department."

Okay, I can see how that could be a problem. :-)

Well, enough of the miscellaneous-topics opener; on to another
"Miscellaneous Topics" Collage ...

For those of you who are annoyance impaired, Pru sends us some "How
to be Annoying" instructions.

Amy provides the entertaining "How Cold Is It?" checklist.

And Steve sends along the "Sociopathic Obsessive-Compulsive's
Checklist." (I think this one was written with humor-list moderators
in mind. Actually, I think *anything* that contains "sociopath" was
written with humor-list moderators in mind. And, just FYI, "anal
retentive" *is* hyphenated if it's used as a compound modifier. :-)

Lotsa huge thanks to Pru, Amy, and Steve -- and also Nigel, Adam,
Angie, and Paul. <whew!>

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: How to be Annoying

1. Drum on every available surface.

2. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking"
noise.

3. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complimentary mints by the cash register.

4. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

5. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

[Editor's Note: ... while going 60 m.p.h. in the fast lane. </vs>]

6. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

7. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr.
Rogers theme song.

8. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

9. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of
being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and
demand that people pronounce each A.

10. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

11. Wear a LOT of cologne.

[Editor's Note: ... and ride elevators a lot. </vs>]

12. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster
speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

13. Sing along at the opera.

14. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy."

15. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with
it, announcing the results.

[EditorŐs Note: This is especially fun to do if you are a juror in a
really high-profile case. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How Cold Is It? (The Expanded Version)

An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit, then Celsius)

+50 / +10
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Wisconsinites plant gardens

+40 / +4
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Wisconsinites sunbathe

+35 / +2
* Italian cars don't start

+32 / 0
* Distilled water freezes

+30 / -1
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
* Wisconsinites eat ice cream

+25 / -4
* Boston water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20 / -7
* Cleveland water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15 / -10
* You plan a vacation in Acapulco
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* Wisconsinites go swimming

+10 / -12
* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* Too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car going

+0 / -18
* New York landlords turn on the heat
* Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum!

-5 / -21
* You can hear your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10 / -23
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate

-15 / -26
* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Wisconsinites lick flagpoles

-20 / -29
* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25 / -32
* Too cold to kiss
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training

-30 / -34
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Pilsener freezes
* Bock beer production begins
* Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof

-38 / -39
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Wisconsinites button top button

-40 / -40
* Californians disappear
* Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* Wisconsinites put on sweaters

-50 / -46
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60 / -51
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
* Wisconsinites put gloves away, take out mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70 / -57
* Glaciers in Central Park
* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
* Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

-80 / -62
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Rhinelander Birkebeiner
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90 / -68
* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer

-100 / -73
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Wisconsinites pull down earflaps

-173 / -114
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
* Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans

-297 / -183
* Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
* Microbial life survives only on dairy products

-445 / -265
* Superconductivity

-452 / -269
* Helium becomes a liquid

-454 / -270
* Hell freezes over

-456 / -271
* Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458 / -272
* Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
* All atomic motion ceases
* Wisconsinites allude as to how it's getting a mite nippy

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Sociopathic Obsessive-Compulsive's Checklist

1. If you can't win, change the rules.

2. If you can't change the rules then ignore them.

3. Perfection is not optional.

4. When faced without a challenge, make one.

5. "No" simply means begin again at a higher level.

6. Don't walk when you can run.

7. Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude,
   a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary.

8. If anything can go wrong, fix it. (Screw Murphy!)

9. When given a choice, take both.

10. Multiple choices lead to multiple success.

11. Start at the top, then work your way up.

12. Do it by the book, but be the author.

13. When forced to compromise, ask for more.

14. If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them.

15. If it's worth doing, its got to be done right now!.

16. When in doubt - Think.

17. Patience is a virtue, but persistence is a blessing.

18. The squeaky wheel gets replaced.

19. The faster you move, the slower time passes, the longer you live.

20. Never, never, ever stop moving.

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