Collage 234               H u m o u r N e t               18 MAR 96

I've already mentioned that I'm not exactly a Trekkie. Despite that
fact -- or perhaps because of it -- I still manage to find some Trek
humor actually *amusing*. Plus, I try to avoid being *too* subjective
in my moderating here at HumourNet. This means that I must
occasionally bite the bullet and put out a "Trek Humor" Collage. (The
interested reader is directed, among other places, to Collages 132,
191, and 206 -- which just happens to contain an all-time favorite
Trek piece, "The Star Trek Crew Meets the Road Runner.")

For *this* opener, we take a quick look at what is probably the
single greatest source of amusement in the World of Trek:

Trekkies.

No, I'm not going to launch into another subjective interpretation of
weird Trekkie behavior. I'm not even to *discuss* the (now-dismissed)
juror in the Whitewater trial -- the one who showed up to jury duty
every day fully decked out in her Star Trek uniform, phaser on her
hip and communicator on her wrist. Well, I won't discuss it, except
to hypothesize that perhaps *she* is the one who keeps beaming those
pesky Whitewater documents *out* of the White House when they're
requested by the investigating committee, and then conveniently beams
them back *into* the White House when it looks like they might
actually save a certain rather-guilty-looking couple's butts. (Um,
note that it's the "couple" that's supposed to look "rather guilty"
there; thankfully, I have no firsthand knowledge as to whether their
butts look guilty, too.) Still unresolved is whether she's *really*
beaming back in the same documents that she beamed out ...

Nope, I won't discuss that at all. Not even to say that she'd really
be much better off if she just beamed the h*ll outta here ...

Instead, I'm going to talk about another wholly-objective article
provided by our news media. (And *everyone* knows that the media is
impartial, right? :-)

<Reuter>

"Survey Says Obsessive 'Trekkies' on Another Planet"

LONDON - At least one in 10 fans of the cult science fiction series
Star Trek is a maladjusted figure whose addiction is obsessive,
researchers said Wednesday.

(Hmmm ... sounds like most Mac users. Of course, given the
alternative(s), we have good *reason* to be obsessive. :-)

"Trekkies" questioned at two British conventions revealed they dream
about its characters, argue about the plots and spend up to $6,000 a
year on Star Trek memorabilia.

(Thus confirming my theory that Trekkies, in their purest form, are
simply weird. For your own safety, AVOID THESE PEOPLE! If you are
approached -- or, worse still, *phasered by* -- a Trekkie on the
street, REMAIN CALM! Get to the nearest phone booth and dial
1-800-MOL-SPAT (More-Or-Less Sane People Against Trekkies). Report
as many details of the incident as you can recall, as well as the
number and types of any injuries sustained by unsuspecting members
of the general public. Many of these Trekkies are wanted by the FBI
for such things as phasering across state lines, illegal trafficking
of dilithium crystals , etc.)

Some showed irritability and withdrawal symptoms "when insufficient
Star Trek activities are encountered," sociologists from the
University of Northumbria found.

("Insufficient Star Trek activities"? Doesn't this have a certain
*pre-school* ring to it?)

Obsessive addicts felt they were boldly going where few had gone
before but researchers feared many took Captain Kirk's instruction
of "Beam Me Up Scotty" too literally, and suggested they were on a
different planet.

(Showing up to the Whitewater trial dressed in full Trek regalia
tends to bear out this theory, now, doesn't it?)

</Reuter>

Another cutting-edge investigative report. You've seen it in print,
folks, so you've gotta believe it now.

On the lighter side, of course, is all the by-product Trek humor.
Starting things off is the all-Trek version of the ubiquitous "Why
Did the Chicken Cross the Road," contributed by the still-ever-
prolific Lorraine.

Speaking of prolific, Matt sends us two pieces for this Collage --
the "Star Trek Writer's Construction Kit" and the utterly hysterical
piece entitled "Your Starship Captain Just Might Be a Redneck If."

Many thanks to Matt and Lorraine for the submissions, and to Jim in
L.A. for the Reuter news article.

Prepare to engage ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

We asked of members of Starfleet: Why did the chicken cross the road?
The answers were verrrrrrrrrry interesting ...

Captain Kirk: Risk! Risk ... is ... its business!

Spock: I see no logic in comparing the ambulatory activities of
Terran fowl with our present situation.

McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a philosopher, dammit!

Capt. Picard: Good point! Mr. LaForge, have the computer run a
detailed analysis. Extrapolate all theories for this occurrence.

Worf: Excellent worms on the other side of the road.

Riker: Was it a hen, or a rooster? For the safety of this ship, we
should know before taking any offensive action.

Wesley Crusher: If we invert the phase inducers, and route the main
coupler through the Heisenberg compensators, then project the plasma
through the tractor beam, we could retrieve it from the other side
of the road, and roast it at the same time!

Capt. Janeway: I don't know, but let's give her a wide berth. We
don't want to interfere with it.

Torres: Maybe the worms are better.

Chakotay: It must be your spirit guide. You must follow it.

Dr. Zimmerman: I'm a holographic doctor, not a theoretical
expostulator.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Star Trek Writer's Construction Kit
(The RAM-Limited Version)

PARAMOUNT PICTURES & MICROSOFT PRESENT:
"THE STAR-TREK WRITER'S CONSTRUCTION KIT FOR WINDOZE 95(tm)"

Announcing the launch of the latest version of TSTWCK, a 32-bit
application specifically designed to take advantage of the new
WINDOZE 95 operating system. With this plug-in module for WORD95 &
MS WORKS, you can now create your very own scripts for submission to
Paramount!

All the features of the previous version:

* AutoTechnoBabble(TM) If your scripts are too heavily weighted
toward character development, or your plot threads are getting too
complex, then simply drag an outline around the offending section of
your script, click the spanner icon and hey-presto! Instant
technobabble filler for your script! Who says EPS power taps and
phased warp plasma relays can't be exciting?

* Excitement Removal Wizard(TM) It happens all the time. You've
written a script full of dynamic action sequences and breathtaking
battle scenes, only for Paramount to announce budget cuts for the
next season. Just one click of the JeriTaylor icon(TM) allows you
to remove these costly scenes, inserting tender one-on-one
character-building dialogue sequences instead.

Plus! New for WINDOWS 95:

* Temporal Anomaly plug-in module(TM) Is your script lacking that
one important detail that would set it apart from all the others?
With this new plug-in module, even you can write exciting scripts
up to the lofty standards of Brannon Braga, Rick Berman and Ronald
D. Moore. Use the new Anomaly-Mapping Wizard(TM), featuring over
6000 different types of anomaly texture on CD. Make your
time-phased warp interloop conduit stand out from the crowd! As
used in the first season of Voyager.

* DollyTart mode(TM) Is the current season suffering a massive
ratings drop? Does your script lack that certain "pull" that other
syndicated shows have in abundance? The new DollyTart mode will
soon get bums back on seats by tarting up all the female characters
in your script! High-heels? No problem. Dynasty wigs and shoulder
pads? A mere mouse-click away! The STAR TREK WRITER'S CONSTRUCTION
KIT lets *YOU* make the executive decisions on what's best for the
characters of the show!

* HoloWizard(TM) We've all been there before. It's two days before
your deadline and your script is still a complete blank. What to do
for inspiration? Scratch your head no longer, for the new
HoloWizard(TM) is here. Simply OCR a page or two from your favourite
classic literary work and paste it HoloWizard(TM). Within seconds,
you have the basic structure for a Holodeck-based episode designed
to fit *YOUR* specifications! If you lack the ability to OCR pages,
then don't fear -- HoloWizard(TM) comes with a built-in AutoBard(TM)
patch, featuring the complete works of William Shakespeare, Arthur
Conan Doyle, Jane Austen, H.G. Wells, Joseph Conrad and the Bronte
sisters! Look out for more AutoBard(TM) patches on various FTP sites.

* Sim Alien(TM) Specially designed by Maxis for the STAR TREK
WRITER'S CONSTRUCTION KIT. Now you can play God with an entire DNA
pool at your fingertips. Create your own race of militaristic
bi-pedal aliens to terrify the Federation. After creating compound
aliens with the DNA fragments of your choice, just run the Lumps
Editor(TM) to wrinkle the forehead, neck or nose of your new
creation -- give your aliens that distinctive Star Trek touch!

TSTWCK, developed by Paramount Pictures and Microsoft
(With a little help from Mark Stevens & Christoper Wood)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Your Starship Captain Just Might Be a Redneck If ...

* Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

* He paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

* You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

* He refers to Klingons as "Critters"

* He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

* He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and
aluminum foil

* He installs a set of bull horns on the front of the saucer section

* He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing
frequencies"

* He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

* He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

* He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

* He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"

* He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

* He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

* He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

* He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens

* He paints the starship John Deere green

* He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

* He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

* His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

* He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

* His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

* He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

* His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of
beans and weenies

* He sets his phaser to "Cajun"

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