Collage 235               H u m o u r N e t               19 MAR 96

Following an off-the-cuff comment that I made while speaking on the
telephone to a friend of mine, it occurred to me that long-distance
carriers might provide yet another paradigm through which we can
hopefully come to understand these things called "operating
systems." For example, what if AT&T decided to write an operating
system? Crazy thought, huh? :-) Well, let's take a look at this
concept ...

"If Long-Distance Carriers Were Operating Systems"

MCI-OS
Clearly, MCI is the Windoze of long-distance carriers. Clunky,
user-unfriendly, and high maintenance, but always the cheapest
option -- at least in the short run. Constantly being upgraded,
largely because it needs to be. Upgrades require that you purchase
a new telephone. Started out as a quick and dirty operation, but a
slick marketing team and even slicker legal department has helped it
whine its way to the forefront of the user scene. Appeals to the
masses. Eclectic users shun MCI-OS.

OS-Sprint
More expen$ive than MCI-OS, but reliable, user-friendly and low
maintenance, Sprint is the MacOS of communications companies. The
slick interface really appeals to the pedestrian user. Excellent
networking capabilities. The next major upgrade will require you to
purchase a new telephone, though -- *and* have your house re-wired.
OS-Sprint users are faithful to the point of blind stupidity; most
would sooner behead themselves than switch to MCI-OS.

AT&T Unix (Heh :-)
This is the largest of the [small? okay, I reached] OSes, and
easily the most powerful and complex. It started out a *long* time
ago as a jury-rigged system, and accidentally developed into a
standard. Today's implementation is large, clunky, and suffers from
inconsistent upgrades, modifications and revisions. You could
devote your life to learning the ins and outs of AT&T's features and
options, but there'd always be someone, somewhere, who knew more
about it. Everything costs more with AT&T, but the devoted user
feels he's getting his money's worth. Generally a fast system, but
*really* goes to hell when it goes down.

BSD Unix
Sure the Communications Decency Act is a four-letter word, but one
of the more appealing features of the overall Telecommunications
Reform Act is the ability for the "Baby Bells" to enter the
long-distance market. As such, we need to consider the "Bell
Systems Division" (BSD :-) implementation of Unix. Sure, this one
is more user-friendly than its AT&T counterpart, but that's like
saying we've seen a kinder, gentler Saddam Hussein since the Gulf
War. BSD Unix implementations vary from locale to locale, making it
very difficult to establish any reliable standards. Theoretically,
AT&T Unix and BSD Unix are compatible, but experienced users know
that they are worlds apart -- calling cards for one system need to
be re-compiled to work on the other.

Well, there are more carriers and more operating systems, but I'll
leave the "upgrades" to the more creative 'Netters out there -- we
have some more explaining to so here in Collage 235.

First, Liz sends us "Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle" -- a great
piece that helps us to understand all those arcane computer terms.

Next, Steve -- at the Uni of Adelaide (that's in Australia, for you
geography-impaired types out there) -- defines some more computer-
related terms for us with his "Computers & The 'Net -- Explained!"

Shawn King, of Bawdy.Net fame, helps us to understand those strange
version numbers with "Software Version Numbering Scheme Revealed."

And finally, I try to explain how I lost the attribution for "Signs
Your Spouse Is Having An Affair by Computer." (This is the third
time this has happened recently -- I think I might have to go debug
my software if this keeps up. BTW, if you notice a piece that you
contributed -- and it appears sans attribution -- please drop me a
note to let me know you submitted it. I'll make the appropriate mod
in the archives.)

It's another "Geek" Collage. Happy bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle

When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like
"data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted
desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret
resided in the computer industry.

Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years,
I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my
knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief,
handy glossary:

Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting
user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented
by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to
overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and
offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot
worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the
"Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The
war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for
IBM.

CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning
wheel that's powered by a running rodent -- a gerbil if the machine
is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a
486.

Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all
files that you need disappear to.

Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place
blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet --
except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an
electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can
be kicked or battered.

Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When
the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate
through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from
without learning anything.

Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as
intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of
variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main
parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high
school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and
Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who
create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them
noogies.

Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by
estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from
it.

User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept
that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and
expert ...

- Novice Users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
  might break their computer.

- Intermediate Users: People who don't know how to fix their
  computer after they've just pressed a key and broke it.

- Expert Users: People who break other people's computers.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Computers & The 'Net -- Explained!
By Steve Zollo

Baud rate: the speed at which you grow tired of waiting for data to
download.

GPF: actually stands for General Program F**--er--Screwup. :-)

Bus speed: depends on the driver...

Firewall: a method of torture for those whose hack into computer
systems.

Caps Lock: a device that makes some bottles hard to open.

Trumpet Winsock: a rather strange-looking device for checking wind
direction.

Ink Jet: what you get in your eye after fooling around with a
fountain pen for a while.

PPP (Point-to-Point-Pussycat): This is the super-fast kitten that
delivers messages on most Internet connections. Replaces the Silly
Little Internet Person (SLIP).

IRC (Internet Relay Cat): Uses PPP to carry conversations among
lots of people.

Parallel Port: where two ships can dock side by side.

32-bit: (now) the most common number of pieces for a motherboard to
break into when a computer crashes.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Software Version Numbering Scheme Revealed

How should a revision level be interpreted? Here's a quick guide for
anyone short of a clue:

0.1 WE'VE GOT A REALLY GREAT NEW WAY TO DO THINGS!!!

<0.9 Not ready for prime time.

0.9 We think it works, but we won't bet our lives on it.

1.0 Management is on our case; seems like a low risk.

1.01 Okay, we knew about that. All known bugs are fixed.

1.02 Fixes bugs you won't see in 27,000 years; i.e., more than three
times the age of the universe.

[Editor's Note: I've been going easy on the notes lately, but I read
this over *multiple times* and was not able to figure out how 27,000
years could possibly be more than three times the age of a several-
billion-year-old universe (arguably 13 giga-years at last count, if
I recall correctly). Is this more of that "New Math" I keep hearing
about? :-) </vs>]

1.03 Fixes bugs in the bug fixes.

1.04 All right, this REALLY fixes all known bugs.

1.05 Fixes bugs introduced in rev 1.04.

1.1 A new crew hired to write documentation.

1.11 From now on, no comma after "i.e." or "e.g.".

[Editor's Note: Or periods inside quotes? </vs>]

1.2 Somebody actually changed a functional feature.

2.0 New crew hired to write software. Old crew blamed for bugs.

2.01 New crew sending out resumes to placement agencies.

3.0 Re-write the software in another language, go back ten squares,
return to line 0.1

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Signs Your Spouse Is Having An Affair by Computer
(From "The Late Show With David Letterman")

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software."

4. Lipstick on the mouse.

3. During sex, she screams "A-colon backslash enter insert!"

2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants.

1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's [butt].

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