Collage 238               H u m o u r N e t               22 MAR 96

While traveling through Atlanta a few weeks ago, I could not help
but notice the multitude of references to the upcoming Summer Olympic
Games. Obviously, Atlanta is working pretty hard to prepare for the
event.

So are the corporate marketing mavens.

Have you noticed that *everything* is an "Official Something-Or-Other
of the 1996 Olympic Games"? There's an official airline, an official
rental car, an official bank, an official "break" (fast food), an
official drink, an official snack, even an official *photocopier*
for the 1996 Olympic Games.

Personally, I feel the Games are sorely under-exploited. Marketing
potential abounds; one need only apply a little creativity to the
task. Consider, for example, these apparently-overlooked marketing
opportunities (apologies if any of these actually exist -- I wouldn't
be too surprised):

Charmin: The Official Toilet Paper

Desenex: The Official Athletes' Foot Treatment

Attends: The Official Adult Diaper (and my brother's favorite, BTW :-)

"Taiwan B": The Official Influenza Strain

Windows 95: The Official Marketing Scam

Trojan: The Official Prophylactic

"96Olympic": The Official Computer Virus

Hamas: The Official Crazed Terrorist Group

Ku Klux Klan: The Official Crazed Racist Organization
(This one was originally a three-way tie among the KKK, Louis
Farrahkan's "Nation of Islam," and Pat Buchanan's campaign staff, but
the KKK was awarded this category as something of a consolation prize
when the "Official Purveyor of Combustible Religious Icons" category
was eliminated under "favoritism" protests from Hamas. :-)

(BTW, a note for the profoundly humor impaired: I *do* know why we
have corporate sponsors for the Games; no need to drop me an e-mail
to explain this concept. Thanks for thinking of me, though.)

Okay, I've really wandered off the topic now; time for another
_deus_ex_machina_ plot save....

Inasmuch as I'd really like to segue (that's pronounced "segue," BTW)
into an "All Olympic Humor" Collage, I must unfortunately face the
cold, hard reality that I have *no* Olympic humor in the queue right
at the moment. :-(

So, instead, I have compromised by culling together some "exercise"
humor. Olympics it ain't -- but some of this material is amusing
enough to win a medal in the "humor" Olympics.

All three pieces in today's Collage are presented c/o Richard in
Phoenix (Arizona, that is):

"A week at the Gym" (the story of one man's entire exercise career)

"Office Exercise" (how he managed to lose weight anyway)

"Improved Rules for Golf" (and how he then managed to improved his
golf score)

Big thanks to Richard (and his incisive timing). Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--HumourNet's "Operation Joint Endeavor" distribution continues
to grow ... MAJ Jeff is currently in Slavonski Brod, Croatia, and is
now distributing Collages to the troops down there. (For those of
you whose geographical knowledge of the area is as lame as mine,
Jeff reports that SB is about 40 miles west of the Sava River
crossing. Thanks, Jeff -- now, if I just knew where the Sava River
crossing was.... :-) As our OJE circulation grows, I'd like to send
a big "Hello" from Stateside to the troops participating in OJE --
keep up the good work out there (and I promise to get that "military
humor" Collage out soon).
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: A week at the Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private
lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from
when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it
was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made
reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and athletic-clothing model. My wife seemed
very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1:
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this
week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth
it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me.
She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white
smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five
minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was
so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of
hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.
Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was
talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2:
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her
smile made it all worthwhile. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am
certain that I have developed hernias in both pectorals. Driving
was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a
Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my
screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt
my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention
of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4:
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just
to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance,
Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the
men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she
made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5:
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of
my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it
would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for
you, Tanya: I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the
floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility
for the damage; YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like
crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music
teacher, or social studies?

Day 6:
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven
straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7:
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my
wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth
drilling at the dentist's.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Office Exercise

Proper weight control cannot be attained by dieting alone;  however,
many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize
that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous
activities that do not require much (or any) physical exercise.

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of
calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
   (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . .  75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Improved Rules for Golf

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect
their true abilities, if only they got an even break once in a
while. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers
Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing features:

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the
ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic
behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical
phenomena.

2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball
is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and
pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the
player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a
penalty stroke.

4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the
player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke
or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted
in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if
the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying
it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to
have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting
to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to
support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of
golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the
hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law).
(Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go
sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such
comments as, "You could blow it in" may, in fact, be blown in. This
rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the
hole -- no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

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