Collage 239               H u m o u r N e t               25 MAR 96

For those of you who haven't been glued to CNN lately: There is a
disease called "Mad Cow" reportedly affecting livestock in England.

According to reports, the disease causes brain damage -- "leading,
eventually, to death" (doesn't everything?) -- in the affected
animals. The ugly news is that the disease can, under certain
circumstances, be transmitted to humans. Reported cases of Mad Cow
in humans have led the Brits to consider destroying the entire
cattle population on the British Isles. According to the USDA, there
have been no reported cases of Mad Cow in the United States.

If I were a cow in England right now, I'd start talking with one
*hell* of an American accent. Brooklyn, in fact.

Based on the USDA report that the American beef supply has not been
contaminated, McDonald's in the United States claims that there is
no risk associated with consumption of beef products in the U.S.

On the contrary: Bill Clinton is clear evidence that McDonald's
hamburgers *have* been infected in the U.S. (Unless Mad Cow can be
contracted from infected french fries. :-)

The report goes on to say that McDonald's/U.K. is ceasing use of
domestic (British) beef, and using only imported beef in an attempt
to reduce the possibility of anyone (else) being exposed to the
disease.

Looks like it's too late to save Prince Charles, though.... :-)

Prince Charles: If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean
cage(tm). :-)

Not coincidentally, that also happens to be the name of the first
piece in today's Collage. Want to describe someone who's just a
couple of pork chops shy of a barbecue? Then check out "If Brains
Were Bird Droppings, We'd Have a Clean Cage." This one is submitted
by Randy Cassingham of "THIS is TRUE" fame (and one of HumourNet's
"Distinguished Members").

(For those of you who are either new to the 'Net or have perhaps been
living under a Net.rock, "THIS is TRUE" is Randy's highly-entertaining
weekly assessment of the local bizarre-news media. FMI, send a blank
e-mail to TrueInfo@freecom.com with the subject: TRUE.)

Continuing the theme, Dan sends us "Assisting the Profoundly Stupid,"
lending a hand to people who just don't catch on too quickly.

"Hindsight" comes to us from the very well-written Jaxon in L.A.

"The Facts of Life" were delivered by Steve Chang at Case Western
(which isn't really all that far west).

And Shawn in Vancouver -- and also of Bawdy.Net fame -- brings us
"Bad Investment." (For those of you who didn't read your Welcome
letter too closely, Bawdy.Net is our "sister" list for, uh, more
*explicit* humor. FMI, send en e-mail to sking@direct.ca with the
subject: INFO BAWDY.NET.)

As always, many thanks to our contributors. Enjoy! (And watch those
hamburgers, will ya?)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: If Brains were Bird Droppings, We'd Have a Clean Cage

Creative Ways of Describing Stupid People ...

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Couple of Fruit Loops shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Skylight leaks a little.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

 ... and the HumourNet Moderator's additions:

* Coupla sandwiches short of a picnic.

* Nice house; no one's home.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Assisting the Profoundly Stupid

Sign in Sandia National Lab's Physics Department:
"Do not look directly into laser beam with remaining eye."

[Editor's Note: Am I to believe that a place like SNL has a department
called "Physics"? That's like NIH having a department called "Health."
Oh, well -- it's amusing, anyway. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Hindsight
(The originator of this joke was apparently the great Buddy Hackett)

A hunter was out during duck season with his dog. He'd been at it
for hours, and just as he was getting frustrated, he sighted a good
sized duck and blew it out of the sky. His dog took off after it,
as the hunter followed closely behind.

Meanwhile, a farmer, busy tending his fields, suddenly saw a duck
drop a few yards away from him. He jogged over happily to inspect
his newfound dinner.

The hunter arrived to find the farmer holding his duck.

"Hey, there," the hunter said. "That's my duck."

"No, it ain't," replied the farmer. "It landed on my property, so
it's my duck."

"But I shot it!" the hunter retorted, becoming outraged.

"But it fell on my property, and anything on my property is mine,"
the farmer calmly replied.

"It only fell here because I SHOT IT!" said the hunter, almost
screaming now.

"Hold on there, now," began the farmer. "Let's handle this like
everyone around these parts does."

"How's that?" the hunter asked, suspiciously.

"We'll take turns kicking each other in the nuts. The one left
standing gets to keep the duck."

The hunter thought for a moment and then he finally agreed.

"Okay, I'll go first," the farmer said. He reared back his leg and
kicked the hunter between the legs with all the strength he could
muster. The hunter doubled over, his eyes rolling back into his
head with pain, but after a moment, he looked up, grimacing.

"Okay," the hunter panted. "It's my turn, right? Just let me get
my breath..."

"Aw, hell," the farmer replied, "you can have the damned duck." He
dropped the bird at the still-grimacing hunter's feet and walked
away.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Facts of Life

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.

[Editor's Note: The corollary to this law is that anyone can make a
mistake; only a complete idiot insists on repeating it. Note that I
make no insinuations regarding multiple marriages. :-) </vs>]

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

[Editor's Note: It has been suggested that this is my true purpose
in life. Of course, "fiat experimentum in corpore vili" has been
proposed as a justification.... :-) </vs>]

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you
feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where
you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will
not be evenly distributed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bad Investment

Guy comes up to me in a bar ... long, hang-dog expression.

"What's wrong?" I ask him.

He replies, "I loaned $4000.00 to a guy for plastic surgery. Now I
don't know what he looks like."

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