Collage 240               H u m o u r N e t               26 MAR 96

You know, one of the most entertaining aspects of moderating a list
like this is how my subscribership "looks out" for me.

For example, Michel in France has been keeping me apprised of this
impending workshop:

<Call For Papers>

                              IWCH '96
                     International Workshop on
                        COMPUTATIONAL HUMOR
       "Automatic Interpretation & Generation of Verbal Humor"

(Um, Michel, is this a suggestion for how I can improve my openers?:-)

                     Enschede, The Netherlands

(Even if it is a suggestion for improving openers, you're forgiven:
*this* is a gig I'd like to be a part of!)

                        University of Twente
                       September 11-14, 1996

IWCH'96 aims at bringing together research results in the area of
computational humor....

(Huh? "Computational humor"? Is that like, "There was this traveling
computer salesman...."?)

There are aspects of human behaviour that more or less seem to evade
a computational treatment.

(Thank God, too -- otherwise, we'd be launching "Microsoft Comedian"
instead of watching "A Night at the Improv." <shudder>)

One may ask what 'intelligence' is required for skillful use of humor...

(Not one who reads *this* list, I hope.)

One may also ask what role humor can play in making systems look more
intelligent ...

(Hey! Here's a quick way to test that out: Give Bill Clinton a sense
of humor, and see if his approval ratings improve. :-)

Major topics of interest include, but are not restricted, to (sic)
the following:

- (computational) theories of humor, irony and sarcasm

("The computer used ... *sarcasm*.")

- the (possible) role of humor in human-machine interaction

("I just erased your entire hard disk! What a hoot I am, eh? HA HA
HA ... I really crack myself up sometimes.")

Important Dates in 1996:  April 15:  Deadline for paper submission

(Yeah, that's the deadline for "paper submission" here in the U.S.,
too.)

</Call>

Thank you, Michel, for thinking of me for this conference. Somehow,
though, the thought of sitting through four days of talks by
*computer geeks* really sorta cuts the appeal.

OTOH, I'd get to see a lot of Enschede. :-) (Note: If anyone is
interested in sending me to this conference, I'm not above accepting
donations to my "Send Your HumourNet Moderator to Enschede" fund. ;-)

Well, speaking of geeks, I've tapped yet another pile of *Geek Humor*
for today's Collage. Credits for today include -- and are necessarily
limited to -- the following:

"Toaster Humor" comes to us from Steve W. and the Oracle Humor List.
(BTW, I just received a correspondence from Steve, who told me they
are experiencing technical difficulties on the Humor List. If things
are unrecoverable at their end, I will provide re-sub instructions
here on HumourNet.)

Carrie in Denver brings us "New TV Shows for ISP Professionals" and
"If Computers Had Personalities."

And Nigel in Canada provides the *true* 'are you a geek?' litmus test
with "Elephant Crossing."

Many thanks to Steve, Carrie, Nigel, and Michel. Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Toaster Humor

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your
kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control
how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly
interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since they'd all be convinced that the good bread only works
with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 11 years
earlier.

If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
toast the bread that pops up -- kinda like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their
service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the
blueprints for the box would be highly classified government
documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
national security.

If DEC made toasters...
Does DEC still make toasters? They made good toasters in the '70s,
didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely piece of your authentic
hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the
same time.

If Timex made toasters...
They would make small, cheap, quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
take a roasting and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
it. Or you could buy all the parts and build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, but you would get a free set
of Ginsu knives with every order.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New TV Shows for ISP Professionals

Proposed shows for a new cable channel targeting information systems
professionals ...

This Old Computer: Host Bob Vila revamps a Univac and shows you how
you can turn an old PC into a functional doorstep or other
decorative object.

Name That Software: Contestants attempt to identify well-known
business programs by looking at the least number of lines of code.

My Three Suns: Neighbors wonder why Steve Douglas keeps three UNIX
based work-stations in a suburban neighborhood.

Wang Can Cook: Chef Charles Wang blends together software in an
incomprehensible manner from companies he's purchased. Studio
guests grudgingly pay ever higher prices for his creations.

Leave it to Spindler: The Spindler tries to earn money by selling
apples but finds he can't sell them for as much as he paid for them;
tries to make it up in volume. Ward, June and the Board of
Directors sigh.

WordPerfect Strangers: Larry decides that using groupware would be
a good way to meet women, but Balki's laser printer explodes, ruining
any chances of connectivity.

Mayberry CPU: Andy discovers that his digital clock has more
intelligence than Goober. Aunt Bee debugs Floyd's electronic cash
register.

The Honeymooners: Ralph dreams up a way to hit it rich with a 3-D
word processor, but it turns out to be vaporware. Ed makes millions
creating "Norton's Utilities."

Mr. Rom's Neighborhood: Mr. Rom puts young ones to sleep by reading
selections from various IBM documentation.

Says Me Street: Muppet-like forms of Bill Gates, Larry Ellison and
Scott McNealy show children how to work and play together on the
information superhighway. Large character known as BigBlue Bird is a
favorite of the kids, although no one really knows why.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: If Computers Had Personalities...

(User-Friendly)
C:\> DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

(User-Helpful)
C:\> DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

(User-Patronizing)
C:\> DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use
the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

(User-Obsequious)
C:\> DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it
was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

(User-Analytical)
C:\> DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\> A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\> OH, BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\> I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?

(User-McDonald's)
May I help you please?
C:\> DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time.
Have a nice day.
C:\> DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\> YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\> HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.

(User-Megalomaniac)
C:\> DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests -- I'm busy.

[Editor's Note: These last few might be possible in the near future
if things go well in Enschede this Summer... </vs>]

(User-Hostile)
C:\> DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll
do.

(User-Sarcastic)
C:\> DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

(User-Insulting)
C:\> DUR
You Idiot
C:\> DIR
You Idiot

(User-Smug)
C:\> DUR
No
C:\> DOR
Nope
C:\> HELP
No
C:\> PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\> JERK
Abuse will get you nowhere

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Elephant Crossing

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
A: Elephant grape sine Theta.

[Editor's Note: This one is actually a "geek litmus test": If you
laughed, you have no life. :-) (BTW, I'll never tell if *I* laughed.
But I *did* use it in a Collage....) </vs>]

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