Collage 241               H u m o u r N e t               27 MAR 96

Those of you who've corresponded with me recently have seen my
sig-du-jour: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
Well, MAJ Jeff just sent me the latest update from Slavonski Brod
and Operation Joint Endeavor (Collages 236, 237, 238), and included
this anecdote:

"I made a 'The beatings will continue until morale improves' sign
and posted it in a public (military) place. Well, either it was
removed by a humorless bast...d or someone took it for his own. I
hope the latter occurred."

I'd bet on the latter -- you've *got* to have a sense of humor if
you're going to work in/for the military. Trust me on this -- I can
tell you firsthand that a good sense of humor goes a long way in
DoD, at least on the research side. Some of the strangest things
happen in this environment ...

[Editor's Note: I must interrupt myself to state that I do *not*
have firsthand knowledge of any of the following stories. They are
from reliable sources, but should still be treated as anecdotal --
and nothing else. With that said ... </vs>]

For example, there is the time that a PATRIOT missile went astray
during a field test in White Sands, New Mexico ... it reportedly
landed in a shopping mall -- in Mexico. (No one was hurt.)

You've *really* gotta hate days like that. :-)

But that's beyond rare for the PATRIOT, which really has a pretty
good sense of direction -- and, for you doubters in the audience (I
won't mention any names) (Randy), it really outperformed its design
specifications during Desert Storm. However, knowing most of the
engineers involved in the design of the PAC-2 fuze (target sensor),
I have to admit to being pretty surprised it worked at all. :-)

An older system, and one that had a real penchant for sightseeing,
was the Lance missile. On one of its more memorable AWOL excursions,
it left the launcher and just sorta zigged when it shoulda zagged
(hey, research isn't perfect) -- and kept on going. Having flown out
of range of the radar, the flight-test security personnel weren't
quite sure just where to start the search.

(That's gotta be a tough job, too: "Um, excuse me, ma'am, but did
you happen to see a big black missile go by here recently?")

They didn't have to wonder for long -- a call soon came in from a
ranger in Texas, asking if the test range was perhaps missing a
missile.

Turns out the Lance had simply flown until it had [thankfully]
exhausted its liquid-fuel supply, and finally came down in a
campground just over the Texas border. (The engineers probably got
some good max-range data on that test.) Again, no one was hurt, but
I'm willing to bet that a lot of campers started camping *sober*
after that.

The which-way-did-it-go-THIS-time stories abound for the Lance;
apparently, there were only two safe places to be when it launched:
the launch point and the intended impact point. The *really* amazing
thing is that the Marines wanted it, anyway(!) They seem to be happy
with just about anything that flies through the air and explodes:
"It'll hit *something*."

(The Marines are damned good at what they do -- but they've never
been accused of eclecticism. :-)

And, with that, I'd like to announce that I have finally delivered
on the much-promised-and-ballyhooed "Military Humor Collage."
<audience applause>

The Collage opens with two pieces from Nigel in Canada: "Military
Linguistics" and "Another Perspective on Military Intelligence."

Tom in Minnesota sends us the "Battle of the Metaphors."

And Tim at Furman University (S.C.) fills out Collage 241 with:
"Additions to Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations,"
"Rules of the Rucksack,"
"Combat Mathematics,"
"Martial Law," and
"More on Iraqi Pilots." (Wow, Tim. :-)

*Huge* thanks to Nigel, Tom, and Tim. BTW, if you like this material
-- especially if you want to track down the original "Murphy's Laws
of Combat Ops" -- then check out Collage 176 (last November's
Veteran's Day Collage).

It's our civilian-side "Military Humor Collage," and it's dedicated
to the men and women of Operation Joint Endeavor.

Be careful out there ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Military Linguistics

In the Army, if you give the order to secure a building, a platoon
will surround the building, conduct a sweep to ensure that there are
no enemy soldiers inside, put up barbed wire around the building and
establish an access control point.

In the Navy, if you give the order to secure a building, an able
Seaman will go into the building, turn off the coffee pots and
lights, and ensure the building is locked on his way out.

In the Air Force, if you give the order to secure a building, a
Major will negotiate a lease with an option to buy.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Another Perspective on Military Intelligence

* In the Army, the officers send the men off to fight.

* In the Navy, the officers lead the men into battle.

* In the Air Force, the men send the officers off to fight.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Battle of the Metaphors
By the well-known comedian, David Brenner.

It's 1944, the Battle of the Bulge in Europe. An American squad has
been cut off behind enemy lines. They're surrounded. As night
falls, a new recruit finds the sergeant who's acting commander.
"Sarge," he says, "I don't know how it happened, but in the fighting
today, I lost my rifle. What do I do?"

The sergeant favors him with a few comments not fit for a polite
mailing list, then he looks around and finds an old broomstick.

"OK," he says, "Any German soldier who sticks his head up, you point
this at him and go 'bangity-bangity.'"

"That won't work!" replies the private, but the sergeant tells him
to just do it.

The private says, "Yeah, but what if we get to hand-to-hand combat?"

The sergeant looks around and finds a butter knife, and ties it to
the end of the broomstick. He says, "If the Germans come in close,
you go 'stabity-stabity' with this."

At sunrise the Germans attack in hordes. There's shouting and
screaming and shooting and dying going on all around. In the middle
of this chaos, the private stands up and starts going "bangity-
bangity." And it seems to be having some effect! So he goes
"bangity-bangity," "bangity-bangity," "bangity-bangity-bangity."

Well, he's just murdering the Germans. He's mowing them down with
that broomstick. But still they keep coming. He goes "stabity-stabity"
at the ones who get close, and they start bleeding and dying all
around.

Pretty soon, he's the only American left alive. There are piles of
dead bodies all around him. He shoots the last few Germans with his
broomstick, and an unearthly quiet settles on the battlefield.

Then he notices this one lone German soldier off in the distance,
coming toward him. The German isn't shooting at the American, just
sort of shuffling along straight for him.

The American private lets him get within easy broomstick range, then
he goes "bangity-bangity." No effect.

"Bangity-bangity."

Nothing.

The German's still not shooting, he's sort of mumbling to himself,
still coming. When he gets close the American goes "stabity-stabity,"
but that doesn't work either.

The German walks right up to the American, pushes him over, walks on
top of him and keeps going. That little ol' German crushes the hell
out of the American just by stepping on him.

And as he's lying there, the life draining from his body, he can
hear the German heading away, mumbling "tankity-tankity."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Additions to Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations
(From the "Nam Vet" Newsletter, 24 Oct 91; Submitted by Ken Flory)

Some additions from the Special Forces Collection:

51. If you can keep your head while those around you are losing
theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

52. If two things are required to make something work, they will
never be shipped together.

53. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

54. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

55. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with
a map.

56. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

57. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

58. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a
shot at you, and miss.

59. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

60. You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too
close to use them.

61. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

62. Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we
could be out in it.

63. So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up.
And it got worse.

64. The side with the simplest uniform wins...

65. The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been
carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

66. The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches
above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a
battalion of hostiles who know your position.

67. Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if
anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA
broadcasting the baseball games?

68. How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on
another?

69. Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across

200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can
be heard from Stateside?

70. Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So
someone can find them when they step in deep water.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Rules of the Rucksack

1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.

2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.

3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.

4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Combat Mathematics

Forward Area Math:
2 confirmed plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 15 enemy KIA.

Rear Area Math:
2 beers times 23 men equals 49 cases.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Martial Law

Phillip's Law:
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible
places.

Weatherwax's Postulate:
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse
proportion to its accuracy.

Least Credible Sentences:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.
3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

[Editor's Note: The civilian parachuting equivalent of #2 is "Of
*course* the spotter knows where the drop zone is...." </vs>]

Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:
1. Refute the last established recommendation.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.

Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):
You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More on Iraqi Pilots

Q: What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?
A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

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