Collage 243               H u m o u r N e t                2 APR 96

This Collage is somewhat weightier than most, but there are two good
reasons for that: (1) it might have to hold you till Thursday, and
(2) it contains the HUMOURNET NOMINATION INSTRUCTIONS for the poll
that Newsweek is apparently conducting on 'Net mailing lists. Read
on ...

Here is yet another news story from Jim that I just couldn't pass
up:

<AP news wire>

"Mysterious Truck Driver a Real Animal"

UHRICHSVILLE, Ohio - Patrolman James Myers said he thought he had a
drunk driver on his hands when he spotted a pickup pulling out of a
shopping center parking lot without any lights.

(Dark parking lots in Uhrichsville tend to be frequented by drunk
drivers?)

The truck turned onto a city street, ran over a median and went onto
a private lawn, where it narrowly missed a house and a parked truck.
It went through a ditch and into a muddy cornfield, police said.

(Apparently, even the *police* thought this was odd. I'm surprised
that Myers was suspecting a drunk -- sounds more like a your typical
Maryland driver on vacation in Ohio....)

Myers said he thought the driver might be evading him, so he drove
his cruiser out into the field -- and promptly got stuck.

(So far, the alleged drunk has outwitted the alleged police officer.
Perhaps the cruiser was weighted down by the officer's recently-
consumed doughnut bounty.)

When the truck turned back toward the cruiser, Myers realized the
driver was a medium-sized black-and-white collie mix that did not
appear to be drunk or intentionally evading the police.

(Note the reflexive evidence-gathering approach taken by our crack
law-enforcement officer -- currently stuck in the mud -- who notes,
as the pooch whizzes past him, that it is a "medium-sized black-and-
white collie mix." Meanwhile, Lassie's headed for the local drive-
thru.)

The pickup kept going into a second field, where it stopped after
hitting a utility pole. The dog was unhurt.

(And the score at the final: Dog 37, Cop 0. Note that Lassie, who
always *seemed* to be smarter than the average bear (at least in the
T.V. shows), is also a better driver than the average law-enforcement
officer. I guess this bears out my "Cops Going To Bosnia" theory in
Collage 231.)

At about the same time Monday night, Brett Donohoe, 32, called
police to report his pickup truck had been stolen from the parking
lot. Donohoe explained he had found the stray dog and put it in his
truck because he felt it needed some attention. The dog apparently
knocked the vehicle into gear while Donohoe was away.

</AP>

What's *not* reported in the story is that Fido allegedly flattened
six cats during his unscheduled sightseeing adventure.

Speaking of which, suppose you were lucky enough to flatten your
neighbors' kitty while cruising up your driveway one night. How would
you handle such a situation? Well, Richard presents us with "Flat
Cat," a list of suggestions for dealing with exactly that situation.

And continuing his animal-rights violations streak, Richard also
sends along "Fluffy Rides Again," a possibly-urban-legend-but-who-
cares-because-it's-pretty-funny-anyway piece about having fun with
deceased animals.

Giving us reasons for vegetarianism, Maureen contributes the
"Ponderings" piece.

Meanwhile, Lorraine's "Stop The Torture of Innocent Plants" argues
the same point from the other perspective.

Chris in Ontario digs up some "Animal News of the Weird."

Frank offers us some topical "Mad Cows" humor.

(BTW, Steve in the U.K. replied to my Mad Cow comments (Collage 239):
"Given the list of things that have been found in McDonald's burgers
(half a mouse, for example), I do think it strange that they consider
[Mad Cow] to be a problem. Actually, I think it might kill off some
of the other things living in the burgers -- maybe we ought to
encourage it." An interesting concept -- and, ten years from now,
who'd know?)

It's the first "Flora and Fauna" Collage in HumourNet history, with
thanks to all our contributors (including Jim in L.A. for the AP news
story).

I'd also like to mention something that Shazia in the United Arab
Emirates recently brought to my attention (*many* thanks to Shazia
for the heads up):

*** A NEW, IMPROVED CONTEST THAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN THE GEEK TEST ***

Newsweek Magazine apparently has a weekly article on everything cyber,
and they are currently running a poll to rate Internet mailing lists.
Here's the quote:

   "Are you bypassing the raucous flame wars on the Net in
   favor of mailing lists....? Send us the name of your favorite
   mailing list's [e-mail address]. We'll publish the best."

   Newsweek's e-mail address for this poll is: cscope@newsweek.com

So, *for example*, should you choose to nominate *** HumourNet ***,
(hint, hint), you should send the following pre-formatted :-)
information to Newsweek's e-mail address, cscope@newsweek.com ...

List Name:      HumourNet
Address:        HumorNet@bgu.edu
Owner's Name:   Vince Sabio
Owner's E-Mail: HumorNet@bgu.edu

Should you DECIDE TO NOMINATE HUMOURNET, you might want to strip out
the unrelated bits of this Collage so the nice folks at Newsweek are
not weighted down by a 15K Collage (although it might get me a bunch
of new subscribers).

Note that you can nominate any list you like, or even multiple lists;
I provided the HUMOURNET NOMINATION INFORMATION merely as a *sample*
to make your NOMINATION PROCESS a lot easier.

In all seriousness, if your favorite list is *not* HumourNet, then
you really should fill in the proper info and nominate *that* list ...
right after you NOMINATE HUMOURNET, of course.

(I really hope that this isn't another 'Net.legend, or the nice folks
over there at Newsweek aren't going to be especially happy with me.
OTOH, what do I care? I'm going to be in Orlando next week.<g>)

BTW, I'd like to mention that we should approach the Newsweek poll
in a mature and responsible manner, displaying a level of netiquette
that will reflect favorably upon HumourNet and all 1800 subscribers
in 58 countries -- STUFF THE BALLOT BOX!!! :-)

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Flat Cat

Here's a moral poser: I came home late last night and drove over the
neighbours' cat. What should I do?

(a) hide the cat and let them think it ran away?

(b) wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did
it?

(c) paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the
middle so they think that crazy satanists did it?

(d) throw the cat into my other neighbour's yard?

(e) tell them that the cat will come back?

(f) claim that I had the right of way and the cat had no business
running in front of the car when it obviously knew I was going to
accelerate?

(g) put the cat in the trash compactor so there isn't any evidence?

(h) put the cat in a tree, call the fire department and let *them*
try to explain it?

(i) explain that when cats get to a certain age they just lie around
a lot and smell bad?

(j) tell them that I ran over their cat with my car?

[Editor's Note: Clearly, (j) is not a *serious* suggestion. </vs>]

(l) move away?

(m) buy them a new cat that looks exactly like the old one?

(n) drive over the rest of the cats in the neighbourhood and claim
that I was on a mission from god?

(r) send them a bill for services rendered?

(t) have the cat stuffed and put it on their front lawn so they
won't notice a thing?

(w) Say that I saw space aliens land a flying saucer on top of it
just before they got out and took my socks?

(z) claim a herd of African zebras stampeeded my car causing me to
swerve and hit the cat?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fluffy Rides Again
(Apparently by Jeff Foxworthy)

This is a true story related by my product manager, Mike.

His next door neighbor, we'll call her Jane, has two dogs whom she
adores. One day she comes home and finds one of the dogs missing.
After a frantic search, she locates the dog in the yard of another
neighbor who is away on vacation.

This neighbor keeps rabbits in cages, and her dog is running around
the yard with one of the white fluffy rabbits in its mouth, jerking
it back and forth like dogs will do with a fresh catch. The rabbit
is obviously dead.

Horrified, Jane grabs the dog and takes the rabbit back to her
house. Hoping to disguise the rabbit's untimely death as due to
natural causes, she gives the dead rabbit a bath and blow dries its
white fluffy fur to hide the teeth marks, then puts it back in the
cage.

She goes to discuss it with Mike, who counsels her to not say
anything to the neighbor.

A few days later, the neighbor comes back from vacation & pays a
visit to Mike to tell him the news, shaking his head. "While I was
gone, some psychotic bastard came around and dug up my dead rabbit,
washed and dried it, then put it back in the cage. I can't believe
somebody would be that sick."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ponderings

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals -- I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stop The Torture of Innocent Plants!

It's no longer good enough (or PC) to be a vegetarian ...

Laboratory plants never have a nice day. They never feel the sun or
the rain or the wind. They never sink their roots into the earth.
And many of them end their lives in a laboratory blender. This
senseless brutality must be stopped!

The Plant Liberation Front demands an end to taxonomism, an end to
discrimination on the basis of phyletic origin. We demand an
extension of the Constitutional right of due process to all forms of
life: no organism shall be deprived of life, liberty, or habitat
without due process of law.

WE DEMAND:

***The University must end all experiments on plants immediately.
All experimental plants must be transplanted to a suitable habitat
and allowed to grow unmolested. All plant tissue cultures must be
placed in an appropriate medium for differentiation, and the
resulting plants transplanted to a suitable environment.

***The University must end all lawn mowing and tree trimming. STOP
THIS SENSELESS SAPSHED IMMEDIATELY! Its only function is to impose
the esthetic values of Western human culture on plants by force.

***The University must end cruelty to food plants. All food plants
must be killed humanely. The brutality of salad bars must be ended
-- every day on this campus, innocent plants are being peeled alive,
sliced alive, and put out to be eaten alive.

***The University must ban phyletic slurs desensitizing humans to
the rights of plants. We must not allow a human in a coma to be
called a "vegetable." We must root out of the language references to
"fruits" and "nuts," to "corny" humor, and "the pits." Such terms
demean both the plant majority and the human minorities they are
directed against.

***All University, corporate, military, and government bureaucracies
and their associated paperwork must be immediately abolished; this
will save the lives of countless millions of trees.

[Editor's Note: Not to mention how much more smoothly the government
will run once it has been abolished. </vs>]

***Plants must be liberated from human oppression, and from internal
oppression. We demand an immediate end to apical dominance. We
demand equality of genes, an end to the dominant/recessive
relationship, and the immediate inactivation of all regulatory
genes.

The Plant Liberation Front envisions a world in which all genes, all
cells, and all organisms have the freedom to develop to their full
potential, a world free from phyletic chauvinism. To bring this
about, radical ethical, legal and institutional reform is needed.
But the change must begin in our daily lives.

If you love plants, DON'T EAT THEM!

[Editor's Note: According to an unreliable and unsubstantiated rumor,
British florae have recently been found to be infected with a disease
known simply as "MadPlant." Authorities have suggested that the Brits
stop eating altogether. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Animal News of the Weird
By Chuck Shepherd

OUR ANIMAL FRIENDS

* A full page of letters from readers in a September issue of New
Scientist magazine reported sightings by London, England, subway
riders who say they saw pigeons board, and disembark from, subway
cars in "purposeful" ways that suggest they have figured out where
they are going. [Philadelphia Inquirer, 10-1- 95]

* In September, Terri Hudson, 39, was jailed in Naperville, IL, for
failing to hand over the family cat, Seymour, to ex-husband Jeff Sucec.
Sucec had won custody of the cat, along with the couple's 3-year-old
son. [Chicago Sun-Times, 9-22-95]

[Editor's Note: Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that she
*didn't* fail to hand over Jeffy Jr.? </vs>]

* A July article in The Wall Street Journal reported on the latest
monthly show of the National Fancy Rat Society in Surbiton, England,
featuring white rats with talcum-powdered coats, shampooed tails,
and clipped paw nails. Among the 13 awards given was "Best Stud
Buck," with criteria of "a nice shape, an arch to the back, not too
pointed a face," according to a judge. Rat owners also have a
bimonthly magazine, Pro-Rat-A. [Wall Street Journal, 7-11-95]

[Editor's Note: Some people just seem to make better test subjects
for experimental pharmaceuticals than others. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Mad Cows?

Two cows are in a field. One cow turns to the other, and says, "So,
you worried about this 'Mad Cow' thing?"

The other replies, "Why should *I* worry? I'm a squirrel."

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