Collage 244               H u m o u r N e t                4 APR 96

Well, Randy Cassingham (of "THIS is TRUE" fame) has been kind enough
to confirm that the Newsweek "Best List on the Net" poll isn't just
Net.legend. (Awfully considerate of him, too, since I voted for his
list. :-)

I'd like to thank those of you who have voted for HumourNet so far;
many of you have either copied me on the correspondence or dropped
me a note to tell me that you voted. But in case you missed it in
the previous Collage (and now that we're pretty sure it's legitimate),
here is the:

*** NEW, IMPROVED CONTEST THAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN THE GEEK TEST ***

<Newsweek poll repost>

Newsweek Magazine apparently has a weekly article on everything cyber,
and they are currently running a poll to rate Internet mailing lists.
Here's the quote:

   "Are you bypassing the raucous flame wars on the Net in
   favor of mailing lists....? Send us the name of your favorite
   mailing list's [e-mail address]. We'll publish the best."

   Newsweek's e-mail address for this poll is: cscope@newsweek.com

So, *for example*, should you CHOOSE TO NOMINATE *** HUMOURNET ***,
(hint, hint), you should send the following pre-formatted :-)
information to Newsweek's e-mail address, cscope@newsweek.com ...

List Name:      HumourNet
Address:        HumorNet@bgu.edu
Owner's Name:   Vince Sabio
Owner's E-Mail: HumorNet@bgu.edu

Should you DECIDE TO NOMINATE HUMOURNET, you might want to strip out
the unrelated bits of this Collage so the nice folks at Newsweek are
not weighted down by a 15K Collage (although it might get me a bunch
of new subscribers).

Note that you can nominate any list you like, or even multiple lists;
I provided the HUMOURNET NOMINATION INFORMATION merely as a *sample*
to make your NOMINATION PROCESS a lot easier, especially if you
DECIDE TO NOMINATE HUMOURNET.

In all seriousness, if your favorite list is *not* HumourNet, then
you really should fill in the proper info and nominate *that* list ...
right after you NOMINATE HUMOURNET, of course.

BTW, I'd like to mention that we should approach the Newsweek poll
in a mature and responsible manner, displaying a level of netiquette
that will reflect favorably upon HumourNet and all 1800 subscribers
in 58 countries(*) -- STUFF THE BALLOT BOX!!! :-)

</Newsweek poll repost>

I'd also like to mention that I will be in Orlando next week. In the
past, this has meant an interruption in HumourNet service; however,
*this* time I have worked out the details (I think) of keeping your
humor coming while I'm gone. Thus, I'd like to announce the maiden
voyage of the:

* H U M O U R N E T   G U E S T - M O D E R A T O R   P R O G R A M *

If all goes well(*), you will be receiving three Collages next week,
from three HumourNet-certified "guest moderators." The schedule is:

Monday: Michel in France
Wednesday: Steve, purportedly in Philadelphia
Thursday: Bo in Sweden

(*)If all does not go well, it's most likely because the software at
my end -- the same software that's supposed to provide the mechanism
for them to post to the list -- has either died or has some glaring
error in it. ("Dammit, Jim, I'm a skydiving instructor, not a
programmer.") (Well, I'm also an engineer, but that just pays the
bills. :-) Anyway, if worse comes to worst and the Collages don't
post, I'll manually forward them when I return. (Heh -- I like this
idea. If their posts don't make it to the list, I get three "days
off" when I return ...)

I hope all goes well for our guest moderators next week. As for me,
well, I'll be kicking back in Orlando -- the Land of Disney. I'm
going down there to attend yet another Gathering of the Geeks. (This
conference is huge -- one well-placed bomb, and we could instantly
drop the world's average IQ by about three points, and simultaneously
increase the average personal-hygiene factor by about twelve points.
It's a worthwhile tradeoff.)

But rather than just sit around be bored, I get to BORE EVERYONE ELSE
by making a presentation. And though I've made many of these in the
past, I decided to implement several of the rather useful pointers in
the "Guidelines For Effective Presentations," contributed by Richard
in Phoenix.

And in case I don't manage to put *everyone* to sleep, I can resort
to some of the "Quotes That Didn't Make the Final Cut," provided here
by Ann.

Finally, Maureen rounds out Collage 244 with "More Ponderings," a
follow-on to her "Ponderings" piece in Collage 243.

It's another miscellaneous-humor Collage. Many thanks to Richard,
Ann, and Maureen. (And a repeat "thanks" goes out to Shazi in UAE
for the heads-up on the Newsweek poll.)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Guidelines For Effective Presentations

Presenting data at a conference? Preparing a seminar or lecture?
Then you need the Immunology News 'Guidelines For Giving a Truly
Terrible Talk.' Strict adherence to the following time-tested
guidelines will ensure that both you and your work remain obscure
and will guarantee an audience of minimum size at your next talk.

SLIDES AND VIEWGRAPHS

1. Use lots of slides and viewgraphs. A rule of thumb is one for
each 10 seconds of time allotted for your talk. If you don't have
enough, borrow the rest from the previous speaker, or cycle back and
forth between slides and viewgraphs.

2. Put as much information on each slide and viewgraph as possible.
Graphs with a dozen or so crossing lines, tables with at least 100
entries, and maps with 20 or 30 units are especially effective; but
equations, particularly if they contain at least 15 terms and 20
variables, are almost as good. A high density of detailed and
marginally relevant data usually preempts penetrating questions from
the audience.

3. Use small print. Anyone who has not had the foresight to either
sit in the front row or bring a set of binoculars is probably not
smart enough to understand your talk anyway.

4. Use figures and tables directly from publications. They will
help you accomplish goals 2 and 3 above and minimize the amount of
preparation for the talk. If you haven't published the work, use
illustrations from an old publication. Only a few people in the
audience will notice anyway.

5. Make sure at least one slide and viewgraph is upside down or
sideways. This relieves tension in the room.

PRESENTATION

1. Don't organize your talk in advance. It is usually best not
even to think about it until your name has been announced by the
session chair. Above all, don't write the talk out, for it may fall
into enemy hands.

[Editor's Note: Actually, if you want to give a *truly memorable*
presentation, WRITE OUT THE ENTIRE TALK word for word -- and read
from the script in as close to a monotone voice as you manage. This
method is especially effective right after lunch. </vs>]

2. Never, ever, rehearse, even briefly. Talks are best when they
when they are given spontaneously with thoughts organized in a
random fashion. Leave it as an exercise for the listener to
assemble your thoughts properly and make some sense out of what you
say.

3. Discuss each slide and viewgraph in complete detail, especially
those parts irrelevant to the main points of your talk. If you
suspect that there is anyone in the audience who is not asleep,
return to a previous slide and discuss it again.

4. Face the projection screen, mumble, and talk as fast as
possible, especially while making important points. An alternate
strategy is to speak very slowly, leave every other sentence
uncompleted, and punctuate each thought with "ahhh," "unhh," or
something equally informative.

5. Wave the light pointer around the room, or at least move the
beam rapidly about the slide image in small circles. If this is
done properly, it will make 50% of the people in the front three
rows (and those with binoculars) sick.

6. Use up all of your allotted time and at least half, if not all,
of the next speaker's. This avoids foolish and annoying questions
and forces the chairman to cut short the following speaker's time.
Remember, the rest of the speakers don't have anything important to
say anyway. If they had, they would have been assigned times
earlier than yours.

[Editor's Note: Hmmmm ... I'm speaking in mid afternoon. (?) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Quotes That Didn't Make the Final Cut

"I know I'm going to get old and be one of those crazy women who
sits on balconies and spits on people and screams, 'Get a haircut!'
I know this, and I don't really fear it. I'd just like to move toward
it with as much grace and dignity as possible." -- Carrie Fisher

All my life I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -- Dave Barry

"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases
of oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed
interstate commerce." -- J. Edgar Hoover

[Editor's Note: Ever wonder why truckers spend so much time at truck
stops? Seems to me that the FBI has a basis for an "obstruction of
interstate commerce" complaint ... :-) </vs>]

"Go to her door. Beg like a human." -- Lt. Worf, giving romantic
advice.

"I take Him shopping with me. I say , 'OK, Jesus, help me find a
bargain.'" -- Tammy Faye Bakker

[Editor's Note: Apparently, Tammy Faye was speaking of husbands, not
clothing. </vs>]

"Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's Disease. How could you not see that
coming?" -- Dennis Leary

Space is an illusion; disk space, doubly so.

"I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette
is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb
blast." -- Ronald Reagan

[Editor's Note: I think his "absolute proof" was Bill Clinton. </vs>]

"This life is a test. It is only a test. If it had been an actual
life, you would have received further instructions on where to go
and what to do." -- Cathie Walker Centre for the Easily Amused

"One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and
duct tape to make them stop." -- G. Weilacher

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Ponderings

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,
there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but
government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the
streets?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there are men on base.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the
world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):
For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron
with warm iron.
For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry
on roof rack.

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad."
-- Salvador Dali

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage244>