Collage 245               H u m o u r N e t                5 APR 96

In Collage 219, there was a piece entitled, "S. California Edison's
OTHER Operation," that described a business-card order form; the
form had a rather interesting sample phone number, 1-800-928-3478.
The piece ended with Bill's suggestion to "Try it yourself."

Several of our international subscribers wrote to me to ask what all
the fun was about, since they could not try the number themselves.
Well, the number SCE had selected as their "sample" phone number
turned out to be -- you guessed it -- a phone-sex line.

Bad coincidence? Who knows. But it seems that, if you're going to
randomly pick a telephone number, Murphy will see to it that you
select a phone-sex line.

Enter MIX-107.3, a local (Washington, D.C.) radio station. (Well, I
keep referring to them as "local," but they are actually re-
broadcast to 1100 cities worldwide. Check your local listings.) The
two morning-show DJs are "Jack Diamond" and his sidekick, "Bert"
(who are both HumourNet subscribers, BTW). The show is basically
4-1/2 hours of humor punctuated by an occasional community-service
announcement.

So, as part of this morning's community-service sub-plot, Bert
announced two "customer service" phone numbers for the U.S. Internal
Revenue Service. Shortly thereafter, one of the listeners called in
with a minor complaint: the second phone number, 1-800-829-4475, did
not appear to be the IRS.

It was -- you guessed it again -- a phone-sex line.

(For our international subscribers, picture this: <ring .. ring>
"Hi, sexy ... Welcome to my fantasy line where I can fulfill your
most <pause> *unspeakable* pleasures....")

Either the IRS is being a little more up-front about screwing us,
or we now know what Bert's been up to in his spare time.

But the phone-sex fun doesn't stop there; check out this story,
provided by Jim in L.A.:

<AP news wire>

"1-800-VISIT-NJ Dialed Phone Sex Line, Not Tourism Tips"

TRENTON, N.J. - Several states have toll-free tourist information
lines that begin "1-800-VISIT." But not New Jersey -- and some
prospective visitors who tried the number got a decidedly different
kind of hospitality.

(Actually, they received standard, "New Jersey-style" hospitality.
Read on....)

Tourism officials were alarmed to learn that dialing 1-800-VISIT-NJ
connected callers with a $3.99-per-minute, live phone sex line for
gay men, not tourist tips.

(Guess it all depends on what kinds of tips you're looking for.)

State officials said it was just "a distressing coincidence."

(Uh-huh. More like, "looking for new ways of raising revenue since
Christie's tax cuts went into effect.")

Travel agents told New Jersey state officials about the mixup this
week and the state tried unsuccessfully to get the sex line's number
changed. The number was taken out of service some time Thursday.

(Why do they want to *change* the number? Since it's unlikely that
anyone will *intentionally* dial 1-800-VISIT-NJ to get tourist info,
New Jersey is better off working out a deal to share the line with
the phone-sex operation:

"Hi, sexy ... You've reached Christie's fantasy house OR New Jersey
tourist information. Press '1' for today's fantasy, or press '2' for
an update on the SUPERFUND cleanup effort."

Alternatively, they could split the cost *three* ways:

"... Press '1' for today's fantasy, press '2' for an update on SUPERFUND
cleanup efforts, or press '3' for assistance in preparing your 1040-EZ
form.")

Republican state Assemblyman Nick Asselta said the operator's parent
company is Interactive Telecommunications Network, but he could get
no further information about it.

(Perhaps he should call Bert....)

</AP>

And there you have it: my "Fun with Phones" opener. At this point, I
usually segue into a related Collage topic, but I (surprise?) have no
Collages in the queue that even closely resemble phone-sex humor.
(This is HumourNet, not Bawdy.Net. :-) Well, what better time could
there be to use a collection of Jerry Seinfeld humor that has been
gathering dust for some time now? None. So I present to you, "Jerry
Seinfeld On," with many thanks to Edmund (and Jonathan for the assist).

Before I close:

Remember that I will be in Orlando next week, so HumourNet will be
handled by the Michel, Steve, and Bo guest-moderator team.

Many thanks to Jim and Edmund for the contents of this Collage, and
a big thanks to Bert for letting me pick on him.

Have a good week, and I'll see ya on the 15.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Jerry Seinfield On

ON CLOTHES:

*I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does
moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When
it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all
wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole
outfit here!"

ON TRAVEL:

*I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that
the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the
ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the
rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of
course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you
crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up
some business on the way back from lunch.

*You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is
that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have
people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV
antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's
in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich
jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

*You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about
20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get
off work?" "Around 3 miles."

ON DEATH:

*The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the
criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be
sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon,
forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right
there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does
that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the
ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the
killer must have been...Jim."

ON ... WELL, ON EVERYTHING:

*I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into
these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior
design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an
entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes,
"Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that
looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this.
I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And
I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why
doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"

* Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them
will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called
it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I
do?" If there was a kid court of law it'd hold up. "Your Honor, my
client did ask for the front seat." The judge says, "Did he call
it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection
overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."

ON DATING:

*Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job
interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date
and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a
chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss
thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and
meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

*What would the world be like if people said whatever they were
thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a
blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear
end is too big." "That's okay, your breath stinks anyway. See you
later."

ON SEX:

*Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is
that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no
matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on
the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the
conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

*Men and women, all in all, behave just like our basic sexual
elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really
act very much like sperm -- all disorganized, bumping into their
friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me
through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the
Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it
going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming
anywhere."

ON RELATIONSHIPS:

*Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for
some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the
woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off
there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look,
gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be
happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign
underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can
make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car
ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of
the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't
realize how many miles I was racking up."

*The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men
are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's
why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing
bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created
by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case
the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she
marries the next guy.

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</collage245>