Collage 246               H u m o u r N e t                8 APR 96

Folks,

I have the honour and privilege (thanks, Vince) to be your Guest
Moderator today for a Collage on Jewish jokes.

Just a very short bio: I am a Hungarian-born Jew (what else, for
moderating a Jewish jokes Collage?) who came to France at age 13 -- and
has stayed on ;-) My present job is teaching/researching at Strasbourg
University II (a Liberal Arts one) in Theoretical Computer Science --
essentially applications of Mathematical Logic to Computational
Linguistics and Artificial Intelligence. Strasbourg is a medium-sized
French town that lies at the border with Germany and houses at present
the European Parliament, alternatively with Brussels in Belgium. It has
recently organized celebrations for its foundation dating back at least
2 000 years.

Is there something that can be called Jewish Humour? Does it have a
specific nature? I would be quite hard-put to give an answer. As a
matter of fact a few years ago (when I still lived in Paris) I dated a
very attractive French girl, herself more or less Jewish. I proposed to
go to the movies to see the most recent Woody Allen movie showing then.
Whereupon she asked me to please tell her what the heck was funny about
the jerk and his lousy movies... Nevertheless, I see the French telling
each other Belgian jokes (much like the Polish jokes over in the USA)
-- and conversely. However I see the Jews telling (mostly) Jewish
jokes. So maybe laughing at ourselves is something of a specific Jewish
feature.

But then, the story goes, if you tell a joke to a Frenchman, he laughs
once: when you tell it. If you tell it to a Belgian he laughs twice:
once when you tell it and once when he understands it. Tell it to a
German and he will laugh three times: once when you tell it, once when
you explain it and once when he understands it. Tell it to a Jew -- and
you are in trouble! First of all, he has already heard it before;
second you told it all wrong and third he is going now to tell you a
better version which is *much more* funny.

OK, hope you enjoy the Collage. And thanks again to the contributors
and of course to Vince who works very hard to make all this possible
and has set up a most ingenious environment for allowing Guest
Moderators to join the game.

Credits:

"False Advertising"
Michel Eytan

"Revenge, Jewish Style" and "Simple Economics"
Shawn in Vancouver (Bawdy.Net Moderator)

"On Spotting a Good Deal"
Liz in Nebraska

"Extrication, Defined" and "MAIDS"
Dr. Mike

"Divine Sympathy"
Adam in Indiana

- Michel Eytan
  HumourNet Guest Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Michel Eytan
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: False Advertising

A 3rd-generation Jewish-American is on a holiday in Israel.  One day
his watch starts acting up and he decides to have it repaired.
Although he neither reads nor speaks Hebrew, he decides to fend for
himself and starts walking down Dizengoff Street.  All of a sudden
he sees a shop window with six or seven antiquated alarm clocks in
the display.

"Aha," he says to himself, "this is it!"

He walks in and sees a bearded old Jewish man.  The tourist walks up
to him and says, "I would like you to repair my wrist watch,
please."

"But, Meester, I no repair vatches, I not a vatchmaker" says the old
Jew.

"Then why do you have alarm clocks in the shop window?" retorts the
tourist.

"Vell, I am a Mohel," replies the old Jew, "Vat do you vant me to
put in ze shop window?"

[Editor's Note: a Mohel, in Hebrew, is the man (often a Rabbi, nowadays
frequently an MD) who carries out circumcisions; often it is rendered
in East-European Yiddish pronounciation as "Moyel" /ME]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Revenge, Jewish Style

Upon finding out that she had only six months to live, Mrs. Weissman
decided to have her portrait painted.  When it was finished, the
artist presented it to her.

"How do you like it?" he asked.

"It's very nice!" answered Mrs.  Weissman.  "But I want you to add a
gold bracelet on each wrist.  And a pearl necklace, ruby earrings,
an emerald tiara, and on each finger I want you to put a twenty-
karat diamond ring."

"But," said the bewildered artist, "why do you want to ruin a
beautiful portrait with all those gaudy trinkets?"

"My husband is running around with a young chippie," explained Mrs.
Weissman, "and when I die, I want her to go crazy looking for the
jewelry!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Simple Economics

Q: Why did the Jewish man divorce his wife and get a dog?
A: The license was cheaper, the dog didn't have a mother, and it
already had a fur coat.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: On Spotting a Good Deal

One day a Catholic priest goes to a barber for a haircut.  After the
haircut, he asks the barber how much he owes.  The barber says, "For
a man of the cloth, the haircut is free!"

The priest thinks, "What a nice man!"

The next day the barber finds a case of wine outside his shop.

Then, a minister comes in for a haircut.  Again, the barber tells
him that the haircut is free.

The minister thinks, "What a nice man!"

The next day, the barber find a box of chocolates outside his shop.

Then a rabbi comes in for a haircut.  Again, the barber gives the
haircut "on the house." The rabbi thinks "what a nice man!"

The next day, the barber finds a long line of rabbis outside his
shop.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Extrication, Defined

A Rabbi and his wife have the opportunity to travel abroad for their
25th wedding anniversary.  During their trip, they spend several
days touring thru the Swiss Alps, and eating at numerous small inns.
At one particularly remote and small inn, the house specialty is a
whole roast pig, with full sideboard and decorations.

The Rabbi and his wife have always been religious people, in their
hearts and in practice.  Never having had pork, but feeling the need
to become more "worldly" -- figuring that they would never get
caught, and that God would forgive them this once -- they ordered
the dish, complete with all of the trimmings.

"You won't be disappointed," boomed the owner and chef.  "We depend
on our reputation for new business."

The appetizers are served, and the couple begin their culinary
travels, each course better than the one before.  Until, just before
the main course, who should walk into this distant, tiny inn, but
the President of the Synagogue, and his gossipy wife.

"Imagine this!" the wife says, "We travel all this way from home,
and run into the Rabbi and his wife.  What a small world.  May we
join you for dinner?" They sit down without waiting for a response.

Just then, the main course is served.  A whole, golden roasted
suckling pig, complete with all of the trimmings.  Aghast, the
synagogue couple turn to the Rabbi, looking for an explanation.

The Rabbi, thinking quickly, turns to the waiter and says:

"What an interesting way to serve apple!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: MAIDS

Have you heard about the new disease, "M.A.I.D.S."?  It only affects
young Jewish housewives.  You get it if you don't get one.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Divine Sympathy

A New York tailor, devout Jew all his days, tries very hard to bring
up his children in the faith.  One day, his youngest son comes to
him and announces that he is becoming a Roman Catholic.  The tailor
ponders his misfortunes, trying to understand why such a thing
should happen to him.  In desolation, he seeks out his rabbi and
confides in him.

"Rabbi," laments the tailor, "I do not understand.  I have a son, a
good Jewish boy, brought up in the faith.  We observed, we attended,
we did everything for the boy, and yet he decides to become a
Catholic.  How can this thing be?"

"My friend," says the rabbi, "you WOULDN'T believe, but I must tell
you.  I, too, have a son, a good Jewish boy, brought up here in the
synagogue, in the faith.  Yet, he also became a Catholic.  Who is to
know?  The Almighty has his reasons.  All we can do is pray to Him
for answers."

With that, the two of them set forth in devout prayer.

Suddenly, the lights dim, the walls shake, and God's voice fills the
room.  "Let me tell you two, you WOULDN'T believe, but I had a son,
a good Jewish boy ..."

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