Collage 247               H u m o u r N e t               10 APR 96

It's now somewhere between midnight and one in the morning on the day that
I need to send out the next HumourNet collage for Vince.  There are
probably a few people reading this who think I'm out of my mind, especially
since I need to be up in five hours.  However, I know better.  I am a
college student.

And that is what this collage is about.  It's the "College Collage" (try
saying that five times fast).

College is a complicated process that takes many years, and during this
time, many of us learn valuable lifelong skills to help us in the
workplace.  At least that's what they tell us.  I can see how some skills
from college will be valuable:

    * Sleep deprivation
    * The quest for the Holy Grail (getting administration to help you on
      anything)
    * Time management (is that 9AM Monday calc recitation *that* important)
    * Sleeping on your feet
    * And I'm sure there are others

Yes, there are the endless hours of studying, but they are what you do in
between learning life skills.  And then, of course, you have parties, but
those skills come at birth and merely require fine tuning at college.

What else can you get out of college?  I got to study in Tokyo for a
semester, where I experienced yet another level of the college experience.
I learned the intricacies of another culture, meeting people and seeing
things that I otherwise would never have seen like two of my professors
crashed out on one of the beds in my apartment because they were too drunk
to drive home (and most likely too drunk to walk).

I also got to climb Mount Fuji.  I think other travelers can learn from my
mistakes in the trip, however.  First, never climb a mountain in the middle
of a typhoon.  We did this against the advice of every Japanese person we
encountered (they may have even been running special train lines to send
people to warn us).  And secondly, never do it in a leather jacket.  I
think that I carried half of the typhoon home with me, soaked into my
jacket as a souvenir.

But this collage is about college, not typhoons.  Therefore, it contains
jokes about different aspects of college life.

Today's first piece of humor, "You Just Might Be A Graduate Student If",
comes to us from JD in New Jersey.  If any of you are grad students (you
know yourselves, you're the ones reading this at 3 AM), you will certainly
appreciate this piece.

"The Need For Education" is the second piece, and it comes from Lorraine in
Texas.  The piece has actual quotes (or so they say), and deals with
mistakes people made in published writing.  These mistakes would never be
made by college students such as myself, ones so bad that they are
humorous.

Then, there's a letter from school from Richard in Phoenix.  It deals with
subliminal messages.    Of course, I would never (send me money) propose
that you should deal with anything like (sending me money) that.

And then, there's the other side of the college coin -- the professors.
With nervous students on the first day the professors can have a ball, and
our last piece of humor from Kelly in Oregon, "Fun Things For Professors To
Do on the First Day of Class", deals with just that.

I guess that I had better end my ramblings and let you go on to the real
humor, but before I do that, I have some parting words.  Although Vince
told me not to make any plugs, as the operator of another major humor list,
I cannot resist.  I would like to say that HumourNet is an excellent list
and that I am very proud to have the honor to guest-host it.  Keep up the
good work when you return!

And now, in closing, I guess that I should return to the hallowed halls of
higher learning to offer you some words of advice: Never hold a party with
drunken professors on top of Mount Fuji in a typhoon.  And if you do,
please be sure to invite me.

- Steven Willoughby
  HumourNet Guest Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Steven Willoughby
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: You Just Might Be A Graduate Student If

1. You can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot
operate.

2. Your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.

3. You have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the
progress of your own joke across the Internet.

4. You are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to
read.

5. You have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.

6. You rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your
laptop.

7. Everything reminds you of something in your discipline.

8. You have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.

9. You have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while
researching a single paper.

10. There is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider
"yours."

11. You actually have a preference between microfilm and
microfiche.

12. You can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at
the library.

13. You look forward to summers because you're more productive
without the distraction of classes.

14. You regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.

15. You consider all papers to be works in progress.

16. Professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.

17. You find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the
actual text.

18. You have given up trying to keep your books organized and are

19. Now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.

20. You have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

21. You reflexively start analyzing those Greek letters before you
realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.

22. You find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th
grade."

23. You start referring to stories like "Snow White, et al."

24. You frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without
getting scurvy.

25. You look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.

26. You have more photocopy cards than credit cards.

27. You wonder whether APA style allows you to cite talking to
yourself as "personal communication."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Need For Education

"At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as
last year."

"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and
his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure."

"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered
and declawed."

"Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and
Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A Letter From School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would
love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

-------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fun Things For Professors To Do on the First Day of Class
by Alan Meiss

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange
gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class
for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that
yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding
crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a
student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks
you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor
can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy."

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to his seat, hand
him your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the
lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their
responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book
while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class
whether your butt looks fat.

10. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

11. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus
class. Giggle throughout it.

12. Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide-prevention
hotline number on the board.

13. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all
questions.

14. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering
simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

15. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local
phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a
quiz.

16. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.

17. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask him to fill out a
waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

18. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each
student's name, rank, and serial number.

19. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space
for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your
sentence and proceed normally.

20. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When
someone asks a question, turn in his direction and make throttling
motions with your hands.

21. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

22. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their
class projects.

23. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and
code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format
statements.

24. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a
base-11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after
yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who
don't use it.

25. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the
teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office
hours.

26. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

27. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks"
every ten minutes.

28. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and
deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

29. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to
oral hygiene.

30. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will
be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1,
Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

31. Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up
sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

32. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your
tie.

33. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

34. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

35. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you
pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

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