Collage 249               H u m o u r N e t               16 APR 96

Wow, Collage 248 is already a real hit! (Well, except for one minor
exception, but I'll get to that later.) I've received quite a bit of
feedback on the revised "Stupid Criminals" piece; in addition, I've
already re-edited it to fix a typo and clarify some other info. The
re-revised version can be retrieved from [the HumourNet archives].
<URL deleted>

Speaking of URLs, someone recently alerted me to a Web site in the
U.K. known as "Humornet." It's a pretty good site, but I got a little
concerned about the use of the name -- plus, the "Humornet" site is
a veritable newcomer on the scene. The site's owner, Jason, is a
pretty reasonable guy*, and we worked out a mutually agreeable deal:
I keep the name "HumourNet"; he shuts down his web site and moves to
Liberia.

No, I'm just kidding; he offered to change the name of his web site
to "Humornet UK," which I felt was a very reasonable solution. How
he plans to manage the site from Liberia is another issue, but *we*
needn't worry about that....

Anyway, since Jason has been such a good sport, I decided to plug
his Web page. It's really a very well-done site, *and* it has a link
to HumourNet's Web page**, so it's *gotta* be good:

<http://www.netlink.co.uk/users/humornet/>

* Not surprisingly: he knows HTML; *we* have big, pointy missiles.
You pick. ;-)

** Yes, on the heels of the most recent server upgrade, HumourNet's
Web site is back up -- sort of. It's still somewhat experimental at
this point. Things *seem* to be stable so far, but I'm not scoring it
a success just yet.

In other news: "Fiddler on the Roof," the rather well-known story of
a Jewish father and his family, is celebrating its 30th anniversary
this year by taking the show back on the road. Performances are
scheduled in almost every major city in the U.S.

I assume that Marlon Brando will not be auditioning for this one....

And in still *more* news, CNN recently polled 1,000 people about
their income taxes, and presented the following rather startling
results:

64% believe that they pay too much in taxes
33% believe the amount they pay is just right
 1% believe the amount they pay is too small

Huh. That 33% figure seems a little high. I think CNN most have
conducted the poll at a welfare office.

Furthermore, I'd like to discuss the 1% figure. Out of 1,000 people
polled, roughly ten of them feel that they are paying too little.
Meanwhile, there are underfunded and well-deserving social programs
in the Department of Defense. ;-) Why does a solution seem so simple?

Speaking of taxation with representation, someone wrote to me today
to explain that the IRS is, in fact, *not* responsible for the taxes
we pay, but is merely *enforcing* the tax code as set forth by
Congress. The font of knowledge finishes with, "I hope this has
cleared things up for you. So, if you don't like your tax laws,
write your Congressman and get involved or keep your mouth shut!"

<sigh> Now I have people defending the IRS.

Might I mention that the list to which you have all subscribed is
named "HumourNet"? This isn't CNNnet, it's not DailyNewsNet, and it
sure isn't CSPANnet. Sadly, I cannot help anyone *acquire* a sense
of humor, I merely *utilize* that sense for entertainment purposes.
If, however, you still feel compelled to take me seriously, you might
find that one of the soc.culture newsgroups fits your taste a little
better. ;-)

If you're still with me, then you'll probably get a real laugh out of
our first piece, "Dealing With The IRS," from Paul in Texas (with an
assist from Jonathan). In this one, a father has had two of his three
"deductions" denied by the IRS -- so he is responding by sending them
to live with the U.S. government.

If you aren't so fortunate as to have the IRS volunteer to rear your
children, then you might benefit from "Advice on Baby Care" and "Life
Lessons," contributed by Richard in Phoenix.

Please note, BTW, that none of the material contained in this or any
other Collage is intended to be serious in nature. (Well, except for
the openers that discuss Maryland drivers. ;-)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Dealing With The IRS

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not
for years. They are evil and expensive.

I feel it's only fair -- since they are minors, and no longer my
responsibility -- that the government knows something about them
and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to
reassign them back to me and reinstate the deductions; this year,
however, they are yours.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
people's questions about their tax returns. While she has had no
formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any
other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she
is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating
some Health and Human Services funds to fix the vehicle or getting up
early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy.
While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence -- and, in the face of overwhelming passion,
safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you
will be handling it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate
Jocelyn Elders; she had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are
a little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first.

In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a
police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were
TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the
local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.

Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal
with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll be sure to file
your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his
friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone,
and it will be much more peaceful once he has moved in with you. DO
NOT leave him or any of his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm
sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement;
be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers.)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10,
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's. Fortunately, your recent tax increase will help you offset
the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is
expensive, so the schools dropped it. Good news, though! You can
buy it yourselves for half the amount of the deduction you are
denying.

It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two), so
they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She
cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the
curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school
sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It
added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backward, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm
sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she
sort of "nests" in her room, and I think it would be easier to move
the entire thing rather than find out what's really in there.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you
get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two
youngest; I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but
then I'm free! If you take the two oldest, at least I have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
John Smith

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Advice on Baby Care

Q. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by
a helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr. Smiley
and has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry.'
He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting
the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he
seems more interested in Mr. Smiley than he is in me; also he seems
to resemble Mr. Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of
wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my
wife has committed adultery with Mr. Smiley, and the baby is not my
son at all?

A. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr. Smiley
because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up
and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a
politician running for office.

Q. My baby is only one month old and can already speak fluent
French. So far the words he says are 'a', 'la', 'ou' and 'gout'
(which of course he pronounces correctly as 'goo'). His English is
more limited, and he keeps trying to tell me something about 'glue.'
Why is this?

A. This is well known. All babies can speak fluent French at the
age of one month. Most of them forget it later. The fact that he
is trying to say 'chacun a son gout' probably means that he is
reading your books when you think he is asleep in his cot. However,
I do not know what he is trying to tell you about glue. On no
account give him any to sniff, and make sure he isn't sniffing it
when your back is turned. Tell-tale signs include a huge tube stuck
in the nostrils.

Q. My wife drinks lots of water, which she turns into milk. The
baby then drinks it, and it passes through his system and ends up in
his diaper. Could I save time by pouring the water straight into his
diaper?

A. Good idea. You could also save the child the trouble of soiling
his diapers by filling them with best quality fertilizer. Or
recycle the speeches of any convenient politician.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Life Lessons

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation,
aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the
phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf
a second time.

"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again
I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

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