Collage 251 H u m o u r N e t 19 APR 96 (I wasn't going to do this, but what's life without talking a chance or two?) This has been something of a busy week; it's currently 2:30 a.m., and I have now been at work for 42 hours straight (except for two meals). Needless to say, I'm not really in the standard, "Hey! Let's go write an opener!" frame of mind -- and the listproc problems have done nothing to help that. The listproc. Many of you have had your horizons (and mailboxes) opened to the wonderful world of the Photoshop list. And I've been trying to deal with the problem at this end, but haven't had the time to really do much of anything (see paragraph above). Oh, and as the dust settles, it looks as if we've lost 200 subscribers (10% of the list) to the listproc's bit bucket, and the current subscriber list is totally munged. Good time to write an opener. Scarier still is the specter of the munged subscriber list taking down the listproc when it gets there. It can do that -- listprocs are very sensitive about their subscriber lists, and get *very* irrational when they don't look just right. Kind of like Mariah Carey on a bad hair day. Come to think of it, kind of like Mariah Carey on a *good* hair day. (Is this amusing? I can't tell. In fact, I'm having trouble seeing my keyboard.) (Somehow, this used to be a lot easier when I was an undergrad; I seem to remember going whole semesters on two hours of sleep, usually taken during one of my general-distribution courses.) Collage 250 was sent out twice -- I think the first one got caught in the listproc, and the second one knocked it loose on the way by. Many of you wrote to me to let me know that you enjoyed it *both* times. ;-) I was planning to let the listproc excitement abate before resuming normal mailings, but the thought of potentially taking down the listproc with a single Collage is just too much to pass up. So I looked around the pre-archives, and came up with a couple of recent pieces that were very amusing, but were destined for the "Gee, these are cute, but I'll date *Roseanne* if I can figure out what to do with them" file. Well, good news: I'll be taking out Roseanne tomorrow night. "The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit" comes to us from Richard in (and around) Phoenix. It doesn't fit within the 68-column requirement, and there is simply no way that I'm going to attempt to change that. If it doesn't look good on your monitor, then get another monitor. ;-) (I could really get to like this writing-openers-on-too-little-sleep thing. You know, "HumourNet Moderator" really isn't such a bad gig when you think about it. 99% of the subscribers are great, and the other two will hopefully be changing their ISP service after the November elections. Have I rambled about the November elections recently? I look at the candidates and realize that the only concern I have about this year's elections is that someone might win. Aside from that, it should be very interesting.) And filling out the Collage is Jim in L.A., who sends us the short but sweet "Anybody Out There?" I hope you like them. And now it's time to stop typing. I'll be back on Monday; hopefully, I'll be a little more lucid by then. :-) - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit By Alan Meiss ---------- ----------- ------------------- ------- | Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy | |clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random |---->| more | | dresser? | |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?| |clothes| ---------- ----------- ------------------- ------- | Yes | Yes | Yes +--------------------------------------------- | V --------------- | Take whatever | | is on top | --------------- ------------------------ | | | V V | -------- No --------- ----------- | Is |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh" | Spray | | it | Not sure | smell |------------>| with | | clean? |---------->| test | | deodorant | -------- --------- ----------- | Yes | "Not bad" +-------------------- | V -------------- --------- ------------- |For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Place item on| |Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | dirty pile; | | holes? |----------------->| visible?|------------->| start over | -------------- --------- ------------- | No | No +--------------------------------- | V --------- ------------ ----------------------------------- | Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes |But would you rather have a tick on| |wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| your eyeball than iron a shirt? | --------- ------------ ----------------------------------- | No | No | Yes +------------------------------------------------ | V -------- Kinda ------- --------- | Does |----------------->| Is it | No | Seek the| | it | "Does it what?" | dark |---->|advice of| | match? |----------------->| out? | | a female| -------- ------- --------- | Yes | Yes +-------------------------- | V ---------- | Put on | | clothes! | ---------- ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Anybody out there? _ _ _ ___ ___. . ___. . . |\ /| \ | | / | | __| |___| | \/ | | | \___| | | | | | | _|_ . | ___| ___| | | __ ___. ___. ___. _ ___. _____ / | __| / | / | / \ / | | | | | \___| \___| /___\ \___| | \__| ___| | | / \ / | | ___. . . ___ . . . . ___ / | | | / \ \ / | /| | \___| | | | | \ | / | | / | \__/ \___/ \ |/ | _|_ ___. ___ _____ _____ . . ___ _ _ / | / \ | | | /| / \ |\ /| \___| | | | | | / | | | | \/ | / | \___/ | __|__ |/ | \___/ | | ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ********************************************************************