Collage 252               H u m o u r N e t               22 APR 96

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that was amusing enough to
potentially supplant my current favorite. The current title holder
(from Collage 29):

      God Save Me
  From Your Followers

Yesterday's contender:

         UFOs Are Real
  (The *Air Force* Doesn't Exist)

The jury's still out on the winner.

Speaking of government organizations, today's Collage focuses on one
government organization that we *really* wish didn't exist: the IRS.
Not surprisingly, there's been a considerable amount of "income-tax
humor" making the rounds during the last week, and some of the
material is good enough to warrant pre-empting the previously-
scheduled "God" Collage (an opener that I haven't written yet, but
one that will likely elevate me to a whole new level of controversy --
stay tuned :-).

Randy Cassingham of THIS is TRUE net.fame sends us the "New Form
1040" (which, he mentions, isn't too late for *him* to use, since
he's on an extension). The IRS has really outdone itself this time --
the new 1040 is absolutely hysterical. (BTW, it exceeds the 68-column
limit that I prefer to impose here on HumourNet, but there's no way
it can be squeezed into 68 without losing some impact. Some of you
will have to widen your mailer windows, if possible.)

In case the new 1040 is too complex for you, Bill Clinton has
apparently proposed an even newer version -- one that's based on
*his* version of the flat tax, and will likely make accountants
obsolete. Coming to us from John in Pittsburgh is the "Even Newer
Form 1040."

Finally, in the event that even the simplified version is still too
complex for you to fill out yourself, you might want to read the
"Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts" -- brought to us here by
Steve Willoughby of the Oracle Humor Service list (and a prior
HumourNet guest moderator).

I'd say "enjoy," but it would hardly be sincere, given the topic. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: New Form 1040

F  11    000    4    000   Department of the Treasury - 11    999   999  55555
O 111   0   0  44   0   0  Infernal Revenue Service    111   9   9 9   9 5
R   1   0   0 44444 0   0  U U SSS                       1    9999  9999 5555
M   1   0   0   4   0   0  U U SSS Individual            1       9     9     5
  11111  000    4    000   UUU SSS Income Tax Return   11111  999   999  5555
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the year January 1 - December 31, 1995 or whenever you get around to it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL| Starch     | []cuffs
print,|           |           |                       | []yes []no | []nocuffs
type  |-----------------------------------------------------------------------
or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal
hiero-| guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above))
glyph-|
ics   |-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(no   | City, Post Office, Shoe Size     | Address greater than line 41? []yes
Latin)|                                  | If yes, why? ________________ []no
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Height | Weight| Sex []yes | Occu-  Yours  ________ | Social Security Number
       |       |     []no  | pation Spouse ________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse _|_|_
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
            >   Do you wish to designate    []yes  | Isn't     | NOTE:  if you
Presidential>>  $3 of your taxes to this    []no   | this a    | checked   yes
Election    >>> worthy cause?               []maybe| dumb law? | we  will come
Campaign    >>  What about the little lady? []metoo|   []yes   | and steal all
            >   The kids, dog, cat, fish?   []woof |   []no    | your hubcaps.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Requested  >   A. How many talking chickens do you own?   | D yes?   []no
by         >>  B. Names _______________________________   | E no?    []yes
the        >>> C. Does any of them play oboe? []yes []no  | F maybe? []perhaps
Department >>>>---------------------------------------------------------------
of         >>> Do you live within 2 miles | Have  you  rotated|If no, file IRS
Agriculture>>  of a decent  pizza  place? | your tires lately?| tire  rotation
           >   []yes []no []extra cheese  | []yes []no []flat | Schedule L
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Filing  1 [] Single  2 [] Double  3 [] Triple  4 [] Sacrifice Fly |  IRS use
Status  5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return                   | O |   | X
             (even if spouse is married separately)               |---|---|---
        6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse                 |   | X |
             (but filing double jointed)                          |---|---|---
        7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return   | X | O | O
             (if unmarried but jointly single)                    |-----------
        8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately
        9 [] Widow with separate dependent filing out of joint return singly
       10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return
             (attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exemp-  41 a are you regular?                              | Enter number of
tions      b [] yourself  [] 65 or over  [] blind  [] dead | boxes checked ___
             [] spouse    [] 65 or over  [] blind  [] dead |
           c Names of Dependent children who lived with    | Check number of
You          you __________________  Why? _______________  | boxes entered ___
are        d Just first names dummy.                       |
here       4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form?  | Enter number of
 |         e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross     | checkered boxes__
 |           Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater |
\|/          than twelve miles)                            | Do nothing
 v         f How many inches in a liter? _____             | Here          ___
 *      11 a Total Confusion
             (add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) ------> ---
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Income  12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to  |##|     | |
           your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . |12|_____|_|
        13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then  |##|     | |
Please     file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . |13|_____|_|
attach  14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . |14|_____|_|
payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list    |##|     | |
(small     schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but  |##|     | |
unmarked   more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |15|_____|_|
bills)  16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under |##|     | |
here.      the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . |16|_____|_|
|          -------------------------------------------------------------------
|___    17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2,                |##|     | |
           this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |17|_____|_|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxes   18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . |18|_____|_|
        19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . |19|_____|_|
        20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . |20|_____|_|
        21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . |##|     | |
           [] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X or Q [] Guessed. . |21|_____|_|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld  . . . . . . . . . . . . . |23|_____|_|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amount  25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake,      |##|     | |
You        re-figure your taxes.                                  |##|     | |
Owe     26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . |26|_____|_|
        27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |27|_____|_|
        28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |28|_____|_|
        29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . |29|_____|_|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please >  Under penalty of death, I declare every figure on this return and
Sign   >  accompanying schedules is correct to within 100% plus or minus some.
Here   >  Signature _________________________ date ___________   check here []
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Even Newer Form 1040

New Form 1040 under the Clinton Balanced Budget Plan:

Line 1. How much money did you make last year?.........__________

Line 2. Send it in.....................................__________

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts
(From the 04/10/96 broadcast of THE LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)

10. In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take
a million dollars"

9.  Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures

8.  You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote

7.  Insists that there's no such number as four

6.  He laughed at the Bob Dole background check (I'm sorry -- that's
a sign he's hypnotized)

5.  Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents

[Editor's Note: Um ... <gulp> is this really not a permitted
deduction? They all have first names ... </vs>]

4.  Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically

3.  Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless
Alex Trebek

2.  Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant"

1.  He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his [butt]

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