Collage 253               H u m o u r N e t               23 APR 96

I have a roughly six-week queue for openers right now; here's
another one I wrote during my Atlanta trip in March....

I almost *liked* the Atlanta airport when, after "checking in" to
my departing flight, I found that it was departing from gate B1.

"BEE ONE?"

I didn't even know that airports *had* gates numbered "one." I'm
happy if my gate number has less than three digits in it. When I
travel through Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, I usually arrive in
Dallas and depart from Ft. Worth. So, you can understand my
excitement when I was told, "Gate B1." That's like being told, "Oh,
apparently the government booked you on Air Force One. Would you
like us to actually *land* at the airport, or just give you an
upwind jump run at 15,000 feet?"

The excitement passed rather quickly, though, when the little "happy
bus" (well, it's a train, actually) dumped me in the *middle* of the
terminal -- and my beloved gate B1 was at exactly one *end*. Cheap
trick. I must have a sign on me that says, "I NEED THE EXERCISE."
(Okay, so maybe I do.)

But the problems are more serious than just my having to hike a few
[hundred] gates. The crux of the problem is that the Atlanta
airport simply has way too many people per square foot. (Well,
*Earth* has way too many people per square foot -- but most of them
seem to be hanging out in the Atlanta airport these days.) Add in
one of the least-efficient inter-terminal transportation systems
known to man (I found it to be faster and more convenient to walk),
and the fact that they conveniently located the baggage claim on the
other side of the city, and I'm left wondering what sort of impression
the American transportation system will leave on our international
travelers this summer.

Speaking of leaving impressions, Marc R. had some amusing responses
to two of the "Murphy's Laws of Air Travel" items in Collage 225:

* The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

Marc: "True. She is a flight attendant, and is either sitting by
herself or on the captain's lap."

The best-looking woman on the flight is a flight attendant, Marc?
You obviously haven't been flying USAir much -- most of them look
like survivors from the Pittsburgh crash.

* The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more
carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Marc: "Right. The plane should have left ten minutes ago, but each
of the ten businesspeople is trying to fit a garment bag, an attache,
a catalogue case, and a laptop into the space previously occupied by
one blanket, two pillows and a fire extinguisher."

And so we come to another "All Aero Humor" Collage. I've already
received a few notes from subscribers looking for my God opener
(referenced in Collage 252), including one from Reverend Rus, who
says he can "hardly wait." I can't be sure, but I *think* he must be
waiting to see me burn. :-) I'll do my best to get that one out the
door soon.

Meanwhile, this pretty-well-belated aero-humor Collage is brought to
us almost exclusively by Tim in South Carolina; many thanks to Tim
for:

"Pilot Perspectives"
"Intellectual Pilotariat"
"Student Pilots"
"More Student Pilots"
"On Pattern Recognition"
"The Cat & Duck Method of IFR Flying"

And Lorraine in Texas takes credit for "The Number One Answer To Not
Give Your First-Jump Student."

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Pilot Perspectives

Q: What's the difference between God and pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a pilot.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Intellectual Pilotariat

A pilot called in and said he was unsure of his position but he had
a town in sight. Since we didn't have him on radar, the controller
told him to descend and look for the town's water tower, see what it
said on the side, climb back up and tell him.

Sure enough in about 3 minutes the pilot called back and said,
"Approach, I found the water tower ... It said 'Seniors, 1978.'"

Truly happened.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Student Pilots

The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the
pattern and it finally came down to this;

TOWER - 95 Delta, do you read the tower?

95D - 675, sir

TOWER - 95 Delta, Say Again

95D - I think it is 675.

TOWER - 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?

95D - I mean, I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I
taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.

TOWER - 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a
call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Student Pilots

I was transitioning through the Lawrence (LWM) area the other day,
when I heard a new-sounding student call up, inbound for a landing,
with his instructor sitting next to him, shouting prompts in the
background over the engine noise....

N23B: (Lawrence tower) UHHH LAWRENCE TOWER (Cessna 5123B) CESSNA 5123B
(7 miles east) 7 MILES EAST (inbound for landing) INBOUND FOR LANDING
(with) WITH (.....hotel) HOTEL.

Well, the guys in the tower didn't miss a beat!

LWM: [Supervisor yelling to the Tower position from background]
(Cessna 23B) CESSNA 23B (report a 2 mile right base) REPORT A TWO-MILE
RIGHT BASE (runway 32) RUNWAY 32.

N23B: [instructor, now on the mike] YEAH, HAW, HAW, HAW, VERY FUNNY,
REPORT A 2 MILE RIGHT BASE FOR 32, CESSNA 23B.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: On Pattern Recognition

Heard in the Bay Area yesterday:

BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."

Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."

BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been
run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"

Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Cat & Duck Method of IFR Flying

Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis on
safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic control
tower has reached new peaks of electronic perfection to assist the
pilot during takeoffs , flight , and landings. For whimsical
contrast to these and other marvels of scientific flight engineering
, it is perhaps opportune to remind pilots of the basic rules
concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of Flight , just in
case something goes wrong with any of these new-fangled flying
instruments you find in today's aircraft.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains
upright , he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball.
Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing
is low and, if so, which one.

The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because
any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it
is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her
to the ground.

There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by
rigidly adhering to the following check list , a degree of success
will be achieved. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to
stand up at all, at any time. It may be necessary to get a large
fierce dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention. Make sure
your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing.
Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results in a tight
snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see this
is very unsanitary. Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives,
but an old used-up cat with only one life left has just as much to
lose an you do and will therefore be more dependable. Beware of
cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to
stay upright - or straight and level- she will refuse to leave
without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes
will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted
ducks will not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to
the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult
to follow in an airplane. Use land-loving ducks. It is very
discouraging to break out and find yourself on final approach for
some farm pond in Iowa. Also, the farmers there suffer from
temporary insanity when chasing crows off their corn fields and will
shoot anything that flies. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy
to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike.
While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want
to go in the same direction you do.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Number One Answer To Not Give Your First-Jump Student

A jump instructor, his student and the pilot were up roaming the
skies, teaching this student about parachuting. The instructor
cautioned the student, saying, "When you jump, look up and see if
the parachute opened up. If not, pull this ripcord right here on
your left side, and the reserve parachute will open up."

The student thought for a minute, and then said, "What happens if
the reserve parachute doesn't open?"

The instructor responded with, "Well, then I guess you have the rest
of your life to learn how to fly."

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