Collage 254               H u m o u r N e t               24 APR 96

About a month ago, Robin, from Curtin University in Australia, asked
if I had any "Music Humor" material for a search she was performing.
Just a couple of weeks later, Mike (in California?) sent me more
music humor than I knew what to do with.

Well, probably much too late for Robin's use, I have finally managed
to wade through the pile of music-humor material contributed by Mike
and several others. Luckily for the list, my knowledge of music
pretty well precludes any attempt at an opener for this topic, so we
will jump straight into the credits:

Leslie Ann accepts the credit for "Musical Terms and Country/Western
Definitions";

Mike R. in Baltimore contributes "Schubert's Unfinished Symphony";

... and Mike-K.-in-either-Colorado-or-California-but-it-probably-
starts-with-a-C sends us:

"The Canonical Music Q-N-A List,"
"House Call,"
"Violin Envy,"
"Thoughts on Opera,"
"Semiconductors,"
"Steven Wright on Harmonica,"
"How To Buy A Stereo," and
"New Country-Western Song Titles." (This last one is a must-read.)

Many thanks to Leslie Ann, Mike R., and Mike K. for the material.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Musical Terms and Country/Western Definitions

Diminished Fifth - An empty bottle of Jack Daniel's

Perfect Fifth - A full bottle of Jack Daniel's

Ritard - There is one in every family

Relative Major - An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor - A girlfriend in West Virginia

Big Band - When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Treble - Women ain't nothing but

Conductor - The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

Transpositions - Men who wear dresses

Cut time - Parole

Perfect Pitch - The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Whole Note - What's due after failing to pay the mortgage after a year

Quarter Tone - What most standard pick-up trucks can haul

Sonata - What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

French Horn - Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you
come in at 4 AM

Bossa Nova - The car your foreman drives

First Inversion - Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

Staccato - How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home

Bach Chorale - The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Schubert's Unfinished Symphony

Our hospital CEO was recently given a pair of tickets for a
performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable
to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance
Manager. The next morning, the CEO asked him how he enjoyed it.
Instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum
that read as follows;

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do.
Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole
orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems
unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be
drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required,
this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This
seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes
should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done,
it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage
that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant
passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two
hours to twenty minutes.

Administrative Analysis: In light of the above, one can only
conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he
probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Canonical Music Q-N-A List

Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: 20 yards if you've got a good arm.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to understand.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backward?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-Bachs.

Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one
   on his forehead.

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart,
   repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the
   screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and
   re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to
   the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the
   room spins.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.
Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it.

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A-flat minor.
Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam
   roller?
A: A-flat major.

Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: House Call

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police
cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of
police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the
conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it
down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my
house?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Violin Envy

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book
by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much
room on this page," he said, "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint:
"Write your repertoire."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thoughts on Opera

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of
bleeding, he sings.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Semiconductors

Semiconductors: Part-time musicians.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Steven Wright on Harmonica

Steven Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if
I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How To Buy A Stereo

1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions,
etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.

2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible,
preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.

3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally
look very C00L.

4. The system should be broken up into as many components as
possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.)

5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they
should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is
important. (e.g. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers,
etc.)

6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft.

7. The system should have full remote control capability, including
over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be
playing as you get home.

8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every
room of the house.

9. Components should have a cool names.

10. The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large
radio station to shame.

11. Having state of the art equipment is not enough. You should be
a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty
period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.

12. The most important factor... Out of everyone you know who owns
stereo equipment, yours should be better.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New Country-Western Song Titles

"Don't Cry On My Shoulders Cause Your Rustin' My Spurs"

"Drop-Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life."

"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"

"How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?"

"I Can't Love Your Body if Your Heart's Not In It"

"I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling."

"I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me"

"I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart."

"I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town."

"I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win"

"I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him"

"I'm Just a Bug On The WIndshield of Life."

"I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here"

"If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You"

"If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low"

"If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will"

"My Every Day Silver Is Plastic"

"Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone"

"You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat."

"You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly"

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