Collage 256               H u m o u r N e t               29 APR 96

First, a quick admin note: I cannot accept contributions that are
sent to me as "attached" files; the risk is simply too great. As
such, my mailer is configured to automatically delete all attachments.
(I'm not suggesting, BTW, that any of you would *intentionally* send
me an infected file, but the risk of an infected file being sent to
me *unintentionally* is unacceptably high.)

Second: There was no Collage on Friday. Also, since this week is
beginning to look particularly busy, there might be fewer than the
usual number of Collages delivered. On the same theme, I'll probably
be officially cutting back to three Collages per week pretty soon.
(Sorry, but I've been kicking around the idea of having a life. I'm
still not sure if I'm ready to take that step, but it's a distinct
possibility.... ;-)

Speaking of HumourNet mail: Last week's Collages have been pretty
well received. The God Collage was *very* popular -- I now have
preachers coming out of (hiding?) the woodwork, telling me that they,
too, are HumourNet subscribers. I'm saving all these messages for
when I hit The Big Road; I think St. Peter might be swayed somewhat
by my pious constituency.

The Music Humor Collage was also very popular, albeit with a slightly
different crowd. Actually, the strong response surprised me somewhat,
possibly because of my lack of familiarity with Everything Music. One
of the better comments to this effect was sent by Kim in Maryland:

"GREAT LAUGHS! And lots of courage on your part, too. I know you
didn't understand any of the jokes in some of those more 'technical'
pieces."

I'd like to give her a big "thanks," but I already unsubscribed her
for that remark. ;-)

Another popular one was the revised version of the "Stupid-Criminal
Hall of Shame" (Collage 248). Several of you have since written to
me with your own "stupid criminal" stories, which I opted to collect
into the first subscriber-contributed "Stupid Criminals" Collage,
presented here as Collage 256.

Credits for today's pieces go out to:

Mike in Colorado (not California (Collage 254)) for "Dubious
Achievement Awards, British Division";

Neil in Massachusetts for "Terminal Stupidity" and "How Not to Rob
a Bank";

Dave in Iowa for "Bad Planning";

Chuck in Pennsylvania for "Police Protection"; and

Jeff in Washington for "The Price of Forgetfulness."

There was more material submitted than I could include in this
Collage; the rest has been queued for the next edition. Since I plan
to make this a semi-regular feature, please send in your favorite
(or breaking) stupid-criminal stories for upcoming Collages.

On a similar note: The first piece, "Dubious Achievement Awards,"
was somewhat larger than the version that is presented here. The
other parts were more like "stupid people" than "stupid criminals";
for example, one of the awards was presented to:

"... John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid
cream and glued his buttocks together."

These pieces were so good that I filed all the necessary paperwork
with the Academy to create a whole *new* award category, the "Stupid
People Awards." So, if you have any Stupid People material to
contribute (hopefully not autobiographical), please feel free to
send it in.

Finally, while we're on the subject of upcoming Collages, Karen in
Colorado (the same Karen who instigated, as it were, the "Geek Test")
has requested a "Medical Humor" Collage, and has even contributed
some material. (Since I have medical personnel galore on this list,
I think that it'd be a pretty popular topic.) Thus, if you have any
medical humor to contribute, send it this way.

End of updates and solicitations.

Welcome to the first all-subscriber-contributed Stupid Criminals
Collage, with many thanks to all the contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Dubious Achievement Awards, British Division

The following is excerpted from the British Sunday Express giving
Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions.

God star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home
with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead
in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told
the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."

Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb
threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call
that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.

Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van
with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the
side.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Terminal Stupidity

A would-be burglar was arrested after using a manhole cover to break
the plate-glass window of a store.

To avoid the shattering glass, he stepped back, away from the window,
and fell into the open manhole.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bad Planning
Excerpted from the book, "America's Dumbest Criminals," by Daniel
Butler, Alan Ray & Leland Gregory, Rutledge Hill Press, 1995

A blundering wannabee robber with speech difficulties just couldn't
win for losing. He entered a cafe in Louisiana and, speaking in his
thick, backwoods Cajun accent, ordered the waitress to "give me all
the money." Unfortunately she couldn't understand a word he said; to
her, it sounded like he was ordering "a sieve with all the honey."

In desperation the robber turned to a patron and told him to hand
over all his money. The diner could have sworn that Sam (the
robber) said to "live a big pile of bunny." When the patron couldn't
understand him either, Sam got so frustrated that he pulled out his
gun.

Now they would hear the unmistakable voice of his .38. Sam pulled
the trigger. Click. The gun wouldn't fire. So he grabbed the
cash register and began to run. But he didn't get far -- only about
three feet. The register was still firmly plugged into the wall and
he quickly ran out of cord; it was jerked out of Sam's hands, and he
fell. Humiliated and frustrated, he ran out of the cafe.

Waitresses and patrons breathed a sigh of relief; someone hefted
the register back up to its place on the counter.

But five minutes later, Sam was back, and this time he made sure he
unplugged the register before making off with it.

He was ecstatic--for about three feet. A bystander who had
witnessed the whole comedy of errors knocked Sam down and made a
citizen's arrest.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Police Protection

Reported recently in the New York Times: A man was selling
marijuana from a motel room. He sold some marijuana to 5 men, who
returned later and stole some more.

So he -- you guessed it! -- called the police.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Price of Forgetfulness

One of my favorite "Stupid Criminal" tales involves a group of house
burglars who decided to trash the house and take pictures of
themselves in the act with the victim's camera before they left.

They forgot to take the camera with them.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How Not to Rob a Bank

The following is an excerpt from Tim Clark's "How Not to Rob a Bank"
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number
of would-be robbers.

PICK THE RIGHT BANK
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim,
CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and
had no money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield,
Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk
took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.
Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy
down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her
father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about
it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until
authorities arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in
the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing
the name and address of another in Detroit....and in East Hartford,
Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's
signature and account number.

DON'T ADVERTISE
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her
face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up
banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face
first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be
positively identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn
into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police
guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security
men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME
Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who
hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North
Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police
arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, Rhode Island,
robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt
pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea,
Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money,
fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His
getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

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