Collage 257               H u m o u r N e t                1 MAY 96

Several admin messages back, I mentioned that a CD called "The Net
Directory" was floating around, and that it had a review of HumourNet
on it. Well, in response to my request for a copy of the CD, I am
pleased to announce that Paul and Steve -- both in the U.K. -- have
sent me copies of the disk.

First of all, I'd like to extend a *huge* "THANKS!" to both Paul and
Steve for sending me copies of this CD; I have extended both of their
subscriptions for another 12 months, free of charge. ;-)

Second, the CD *does* contain the purported "review" of HumourNet
(as well as reviews of several other humor sites around the 'Net,
although I didn't happen to notice any other humor mailing lists).
(Sorry Shawn, Randy, Steve, Adam, Jonathan ... did I miss anyone?
As you'll see, you probably aren't missing much.)

Before we get to the review, I'd like to say (We Americans are fond
of saying things like, "Let me just say this...," aren't we? It's
because we really don't have much to say, so we need to expend extra
effort to get attention.) that I'm really very surprised, impressed,
flattered, etc., to see my name and HumourNet on this CD. Thus, the
following "review of the review" is really just intended to be
humorous; please keep that in mind as you read it.

On to the review ...

>Name: HumourNet

So far, so good. I really must commend Richard Longhurst -- the
self-titled "Editor Bloke" -- for spelling the name correctly. OTOH,
Dickie-boy's a Brit, and "HumourNet" uses a British spelling, so I'd
fully expect him to get *that* much right.

>What is it? A mailing list for the sharing and distribution of humour.

Okay -- I guess that's close enough.

>Where you'll find it: To subscribe, send an e-mail to....

I won't bother repeating that part; you've all subscribed, you all
know the routine. (Check the trailer if you're still confused.) It
was this section that, in a round-about way, alerted me to the fact
that the CD existed; Ricardo's instructions were outdated as of last
November. Alas, I still receive about five subscription requests per
week at this address; I guess many of you didn't bother to read the
rest of the review. ;-)

>What's it like? Three or four times a week you get sent the latest
>'collage', ...

That comma goes inside the quote, Mr. Longhurst. And, BTW, Holly and
I would appreciate it if you'd capitalize "Collage." (Collage 242)

>... a set of jokes, humorous stories, lists and so on that have
>been contributed by the group.

And a damned good group it is, too. :-)

>Perfect if you're not getting enough joke action at the moment, but
>to be fair, the laughter levels are alarmingly low, ...

"... the laughter levels are alarmingly low"? Excuse *me*, Richard,
Mister-Judge-and-Jury-of-Humor, but have you considered the
possibility that *your* sense of humor is "alarmingly low"?

>... with no 'collage' yet having me in stitches on the floor.

And surely, if he *were* in stitches on the floor, I'd have a lawsuit
pending against me.

>Raises the odd pleasant smile, ...

Somehow, it doesn't surprise me that your smile is odd, Rich.

>but it's the Readers Digest of humour...

WHAT??? Now that's *really* low.

>Upside: You don't have to look for jokes, they come to you.

Well, I see that Dickie-boy has really caught on to this whole
"mailing list" concept.

>Downside: Crap jokes.

EXCUSE ME? "Crap jokes"? I beg your pardon, *DICK*, but we don't run
"crap jokes" on HumourNet. Okay, tell me the truth, how many of your
intended submissions did I turn down? That's it, isn't it? You're
still carrying a grudge about that "A Day In The Life Of An Editor
Bloke" piece I said was 'pathetically boring,' aren't you?

>Typical quote: "Warn your hubby that after love-making in Ames, Iowa,
>he isn't allowed to take more than 3 gulps of beer while lying in bed
>with you - or holding you in his arms."

When I first read this, I said, "I'D NEVER RUN A CRAP JOKE LIKE THAT!"
(Just about that loud, too. :-) Then, just for grins, I did a search
on the archives, and -- waddya know? -- it's in there! (Collage 107)
** HOWEVER ** it's in a piece entitled, "Strange Sex Laws," which
really helps to put things into perspective a little better. Other
entries in that piece included:

"Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance
on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three
pounds, two ounces of clothing."

(One good pair of clogs can satisfy *that* requirement. ;-)

Either way -- taken in context, or (as presented in the review)
taken *out* of context -- the example quote is hardly "typical."
Ah, well, to use Mr. Longhorn's (sic) own words: "To be fair, the
[Editor-Bloke's integrity] levels are alarmingly low."

(BTW, I've written to Mr. Longhurst to update him on the not-really-
all-that-new new subscription instructions, and to, um, "comment" on
his selection of "typical quote," but I have not heard back from him.
I'm not holding my breath....)

But hey, a review on an internationally-distributed medium is still
a pretty big deal to this kid (I can use "kid" a little loosely,
can't I?), so I'm not going to complain. Too much. Especially about
the "Strange Laws" piece.

In fact, I'm going to give you *more* strange laws. "Still More Laws"
comes to us from Carrie in Denver.

Moving on to another topic, Richard in (and around) Phoenix brings
us the "Top Ten Signs Your Brother Is The Unabomber" and "Unabomber
Top Ten Peeves" -- both quite possibly from the David Letterman
show (although we don't have a confirmation on that).

Pauleen in Maryland sends along the "Private Party" piece.

And Shawn King (the Bawdy.Net moderator) provides us with a selection
of "Rejected State Mottos" (these are good).

Many thanks to this issue's contributors -- and a special thanks to
Steve and Paul for the CDs. And Future Publishing, the company that
publishes "The Net CD," deserves a big thanks for providing the
review of HumourNet -- however lame it might have been. ;-)

Enjoy! (And beware that "crap humor.")

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Still More Laws

Texas
- A recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their
victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain
the nature of the crime to be committed...
- In Lefors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer
at any time while standing...
- In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond
to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands....

Florida
- Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed....
- In Saratoga, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit...

Nevada
- It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway...
- In Eureka, men who wear mustaches are forbidden from kissing
women...

California
- In L.A. a man can legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as
long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission
to use a wider strap.....
- It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license....

Michigan
- A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her
husband....

Arkansas
- A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month...
- Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets
of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term....

Utah
- Birds have the right of way on all highways...

- A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his
wife while she is in his presence...

Baltimore
- In Halethrope, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second...
- It is illegal to mistreat oysters....
- In Baltimore it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how
dirty they get....

Tennessee
- It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish...
- In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a
date...

Colorado
- In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she
is asleep....

Rhode Island
- In Province it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to
the same customer on a Sunday....
- In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset....

Oklahoma
- Whale hunting is strictly forbidden throughout the entire state...
- In Tulsa, kisses lasting more than three minutes are forbidden...

Massachusetts
- In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the
nude in rented rooms...
- In Boston it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered
by a physician to do so....
- In 1659, the State outlawed Christmas...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Signs Your Brother Is The Unabomber

10. Whenever they show a sketch of the Unabomber on TV, he says,
"What a good looking guy!"

9. Subscribes to "Dangerously Quiet Loner" magazine.

8. Always bragging that he's "bombed more than Joe Piscopo."

7. Even in baby pictures, he's wearing a hood and sunglasses.

6. He's a twisted recluse who considers himself above the laws of
society -- wait, no, that's Michael Jackson.

5. Asks his friends to call him "Una" for short.

4. Keeps doing his lame impression of Jimmie "J.J." Walker saying
"Dy-no-mite!"

3. He's been trying frantically to get hold of Johnnie Cochran.

2. May 8, 1970: Becky Johnson turns him down for the prom;
May 9, 1970: Becky Johnson explodes.

1. Favorite cable channel? TNT.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Unabomber Top Ten Peeves

10. Hard as hell to get cable guy to come out to the shack.

9. Those Freeman idiots are always stopping by to borrow a cup of
plastique.

8. Sticky typewriter no match for word processor when hefty
manifestos are due.

7. Should have sent my brother an exploding birthday card last
year.

6. Greyhound drivers never let you store bombs under your seat
during the ride to Sacramento.

5. I can make a pipe bomb in 5 minutes, but I can't get my VCR
to stop flashing 12:00.

4. Mom's always rifling through my anti-technology polemics.

3. Damn! I won't be able to pay Uncle Sam on time this year...

2. Townies mock my mode of transportation, now call me the
Unacyclist.

1. Stupid FBI sketch makes me look like Weird Al Yankovic.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Private Party

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Vermont as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once
a week and gets groceries once a month; otherwise, it's total peace
and quiet.

Six months of almost total isolation pass by quickly. Then, one
night, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He
opens it to find a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having
a party Saturday, thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you," he says, "there's
gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem -- after six months of isolation, I can stand to do
some drinking."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More'n likely gonna be
some fightin, too."

'Damn,' Sam thinks, 'tough crowd.' "Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at
these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam. "Remember, I've been alone
for six months! I'll definitely be there." Then he adds, "By the
way, what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again. "Whatever you want," he says, "it's
just gonna be the two of us."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Rejected State Mottos

FLORIDA:
The Gunshine State

ALABAMA:
Literacy Ain't Everything

ARKANSAS:
At Least We're not Oklahoma

ILLINOIS:
Gateway to Iowa

KENTUCKY:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

MAINE:
For Sale

MONTANA:
Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else

NEW JERSEY
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Attorney ...

NEW MEXICO:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

NORTH CAROLINA:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

OHIO:
Don't Judge us by Cleveland

PENNSYLVANIA:
Cook with Coal

SOUTH DAKOTA:
Closer than North Dakota

TENNESSEE:
The Educashun State

TEXAS:
Si Hablo Ingles

UTAH:
Our Jesus is Better than Your Jesus

CALIFORNIA:
The Granola State
-or-
Nobody's actually from here.

KANSAS:
Hayfever capital of the Midwest.

COLORADO:
Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here.

NEBRASKA:
More corn than Kansas.

MISSOURI:
Gateway to Kansas.

LOUISIANA:
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you.

NEVADA:
More Weirdos than Alaska (Warmer Too).

MICHIGAN:
Land of the free, home of the Buick.

ARIZONA:
Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds.

FLORIDA:
Elephant Graveyard; where old Republicans go to die.

MINNESOTA:
Not Sweden, but we try to act like it.

WISCONSIN:
Land of funny accents.

IDAHO:
Nothing here.

OREGON:
As pretty as California but not as weird.

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