Collage 258               H u m o u r N e t                2 MAY 96

Yesterday I discussed a not-so-great review of HumourNet by Future
Publishing, Inc.; I've received quite a few comments in response,
but MAJ Jeff -- serving as point man for distribution of HumourNet
Collages to Operation Joint Endeavor troops, *and* one of our
Distinguished Members -- was the first one in the door with this
comment:

"Just be glad of the fact that those without humor are at the mercy
of the rest of us!"

Jeff is, of course, quoting the Official HumourNet Slogan, which now
appears in the trailer of every Collage. (BTW, I still owe a big
thanks to Kim, who originally suggested/submitted the slogan -- and
who also made the same observation as Jeff.)

Nevertheless, there are other reviews of HumourNet out there, some
of which I'd be a little more inclined to plug than the one from
Future Publishing.

For example, ZDNet (from Ziff-Davis publishing) has this review of
the HumourNet Archives (HumourNet's Web Site):

>The HumourNet Archives houses a wide variety of humor, from
>bizarre-but-true news stories to one liners, arranged into small
>collections (called "collages" here) every few days and sent out to
>subscribers on a mailing list, which you can also subscribe to here.
>You can read all the collages, but they are labeled only by number,
>so if you're looking for a particular type of joke, you're out of
>luck.

Unfortunately, that's really quite true. I've toyed with the idea of
a search engine, but, alas, I have little time for such endeavors.

>If you don't mind a leisurely perusal, though, you'll surely find
>some genuinely entertaining anecdotes.

Well, thanks, guys! And, in exchange for the plug, here's the URL
for the Ziff-Davis review (sorry, it's a little long):

::snip out-of-date URL, 18 Aug 96::

And since I hadn't actually planned on a Collage tonight, I really
need to cut this short and move on to other things. Since there was,
sadly, no humor in this opener, I will instead direct you to another
file in the HumourNet FTP archive: "Young_Bride."

The file, contributed to HumourNet by Richard in Phoenix, contains
"Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride on the Conduct and
Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage
State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament
and the Glory of God." This is, supposedly, a circa-1894 handbook for
young brides on how to *avoid* sex -- more likely, it is something of
an urban legend, but entertaining, nonetheless. (Note that this piece
is slightly risque.)

And since I've already started with a "disheveled motif," I might as
well just run with it; the body of this Collage features some long-
overdue "Student Humor" (just in time for finals).

Brian in Massachusetts sends us the follow-on to the "How Many
Students" piece in Collage 121: "How Many? (The Long Version)."

Alan in Maryland tells us "How to Motivate College Students." (Not
an easy task.)

Adam in Indiana sends us "More Required Classes." (Like they need
them.)

Karen in Colorado, with an assist from Mike (also in Colorado), sends
us some "Bad Metaphor" -- a collection of student analogies from the
"Resubmit For Higher Grade" pile.

And Richard in Phoenix contributes "New Concepts" -- an entirely new
way to get good grades on finals.

Many thanks to this Collage's contributors. I'm outta here until
Monday (but this Collage is a little extra large, so it should hold
you over if you read it slowly :-).

Study hard!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: How Many? (The Long Version)

How many Princeton students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two -- one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Brown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven -- one to change the light bulb and ten to share the
experience.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulb?
None -- Hanover doesn't have electricity.

How many Cornell students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two -- One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the
pressure.

How many Penn students does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy-six -- one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the
light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a
counter-protest.

How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
None -- New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
One -- he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How many MIT students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five -- one to design a nuclear-powered bulb that never needs
changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using
that nuke light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the
computer program that controls the wall switch.

How many Vassar students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven -- One to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.

How many Middlebury students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five -- One to change the light bulb and four to find the perfect J.
Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

How many Stanford students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, dude.

How many Oberlin students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off
the old one.

How many Georgetown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four -- One to change it, one to call Congress about their progress,
and two to throw the old bulb at American U. students.

How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
A whole frat -- but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb
out of the socket.

How many Bates students does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to go to L.L. Bean to get the same one
everyone else has.

How many Williams students does it take to change a light bulb?
The whole student body -- when you're snowed in, there's nothing
else to do.

How many Tufts students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two -- One to change the bulb and one to proclaim loudly that he
did it as well as an Ivy League student.

How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five -- One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance
about it.

How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight -- It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just
that they're all violently twitching from too much stress.

How many Boston University students does it take to change a
light bulb?
Four -- One to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.

How many Amherst students does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen -- One to change the bulb and an a-capella group to
immortalize the event in song.

How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a light bulb?
Wesleyan's boycotting GE -- you know, military-industrial complex
and all that.

How many Connecticut College students does it take to change a
light bulb?
Two -- One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they
were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out.

How many Bard students does it take to change a light bulb?
One -- but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light bulb.

How many Boston College students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven -- One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party
because he didn't screw it in upside-down this time.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How to Motivate College Students

As another adventurous day goes by at UMBC, I think I have
identified some courses that this fine campus should teach. One
class that is being considered as a requirement for Fall 96:

DEAD 101: How to Befriend a Shark

"In this course, you will learn how to put a fishing hook into a
great white shark and try to not become its dinner. There will be
numerous shark attack videos shown during the course, and there will
be a final exam taken at the Baltimore Aquarium. Those who get out
without a scratch will receive an A. Minor scratches will be a B.
Under 20 stitches is a C. Major surgery is a D. Death to the
student will result in a grade of F."

[Editor's Note: One can only *imagine* what led to this particular
course suggestion. As an alumnus of -- and former T.A. at -- UMBC,
I think I can safely say that the average grade will be somewhere
between 15 stitches and death. :-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Required Classes

Course
Number Title

MUSI147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB

HIST024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO

GEOL222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS

FREN106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST

SOCI193 TOPICS FROM "GREEN ACRES": LIFE AND TIMES OF MR. HANEY

HIST456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP

PHIL101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS

ARCT555 ARCHITECTURE OF THE BRADY BUNCH HOME

HIST108 THE BOVINE ERA, PART IV: COW HISTORY SINCE 1784

ENGL327 SHAKESPEAREAN MEMOS, MENUS, AND GROCERY LISTS

ANTH764 NOMADIC TRIBES OF SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA THAT ARE REALLY JUST
LOST

MATH001 COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF THE NUMBER SEVEN

POLS497 REPUBLICAN PARTY ETHICS (SHORT COURSE)

ARCT123 DESIGNING MODERN CITIES USING LEGOS

MATH198 MATHEMATICS SO HARD THAT NO ONE CAN DO IT

SOCI253 UNDERSTANDING THE PLOT TWISTS IN "TWIN PEAKS"

ARTS546 TOPICS IN MODERN ART: USING A LIVE CAT AS A PAINT BRUSH

HEPR314 BEGINNING YAHTZEE

ENGL893 THE ROMANTIC PROSE OF THEODORE KACZINSKI

PSYC276 HYPNOTIZING YOUR PETS

HEPR115 MUNSTERS/ADDAMS FAMILY: A COMPARISON STUDY

BIOL654 STUDENT CENTER SOUPS

ENGL690 STOOGE CRITICISM: THE SHEMP YEARS

MUSI532 BAGPIPES GO DISCO

MATH476 LEARNING POSSIBLE LOTTERY NUMBERS

POLS109 HILLARY CLINTON INVESTMENT SEMINAR

PHED192 TAKING DOWN THE VOLLEYBALL NET
(NOTE:prereq:HPR191: PUTTING UP THE VOLLEYBALL NET)

SCHD465 UNDERSTANDING THE SCHEDULE BOOK

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bad Metaphor

According to Rob in Bethesda, MD: The Washington Post asked readers
to write really bad analogies, similes, and metaphors, such as might
be found on bad high school papers. (This is from their "Style
Invitational" section, a weekly contest in the Post.) The following
list of remarkably bad metaphor comprises the results...

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung
but gets
T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Anonymous?)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy
Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New Concepts

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.  She glances
down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do *anything* to pass this exam."  She leans closer to him,
flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

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</collage258>