Collage 260               H u m o u r N e t                8 MAY 96

Shannon Lucid, an American SpaceChick (P.C. term for a female
astronaut -- please observe proper capitalization), is currently on
board the Russian Mir space station as part of joint U.S./Russian
public-relations effort. :-) (According to rumor: When the Russian
cosmonauts (nee "SpaceComrades") were asked their opinions of having
a female on the Mir for several months, one of them made a comment
to the effect that the space station will be 'cleaner with a woman
around.' I hope they removed all sharp objects from the Mir before
Shannon arrived -- else it's going to be a long, sleepless stay for
them.)

Ms. Lucid, who will be staying on board the Mir for a total of five
months, was delivered to the Russian craft in March.

Her luggage arrived in April.

I kid you not. On April 26th, CNN reported that a Russian service
module, carrying Shannon Lucid's luggage, docked with Mir.

I guess Shannon packed enough luggage that a dedicated transport
vehicle was required for delivery. Heh ... just *wait* until she
finds out that her hot rollers are incompatible with Mir's on-board
power supply.

The CNN report stated that the luggage -- containing five months'
worth of clothing -- was supposed to have been delivered to Mir in
November.

**November**?

Apparently, "lost luggage" is a problem that even the combined U.S.
and Russian space programs cannot solve. Really makes you wonder if
the first extra-terrestrial message we decipher will read something
like, "Hi Mom. Made it to Earth okay -- but they lost my luggage...."

I guess some things never change.

Nor does the constant -- and nearly laminar -- flow of aero humor
into my in-box. (In other words, welcome to another all-aero-humor
Collage.)

Credits for this issue are as follows:

Karen in Colorado provides us with some "Airline Integrity";

Gwen in Delaware sends us the "Top Five Reasons Why Jessica Dubroff's
Plane Crashed";

and Timothy in South Carolina takes credit for
"Things You Don't Want to Overhear on an Airline P.A. System,"
"Putting It All Into Perspective,"
"Thinning The FAA Herd," and
"Buzzard Error."

(On this last one, "Buzzard Error," could one of our _Motorcyclist_
magazine readers please confirm this as either legitimate or legend?
I'll post the answer at some point.)

Many thanks to the contributors for this Collage -- including Randy
Cassingham (of "THIS is TRUE" fame -- see Collage 239), who provided
me with Shannon Lucid's name.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Airline Integrity

Heard on the radio ...

"When the stewardesses give their little safety briefing, they
always say, 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may
be used as a flotation device.'

"Hey, if the _plane_ can't _fly_, why should I believe the _seat_
can _float_?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Things You Don't Want to Overhear on an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just
wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can
be used as floatation devices...

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia.
If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and
receive an extra pack of peanuts

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the
local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new
commitment to making your a flight a sightseeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock ... one on our tail!! Eject! Eject!!!

5. Whoops! ... Sorry .... (silence)

6. (As the plane is turning around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh...
we have to go back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone has noticed the loss of an engine, however the
reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more
efficiently now. (Ironic note: This is actually true for prop
aircraft :-)

[Editor's Note: That's NOT _my_ ironic note up there. </vs>]

8. (Same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses
when you get in the car) "Fasten your seatbelt ... !"

9. This is your Captain speaking....these damn planes are a lot
different than the ones I'm used to...you'll have to give me some
leeway here....

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed his shade
and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and--Oh
sh*t...

12. Don't worry -- that one's always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready, Frank...

14. Drinks are on me...heh, I'll have what the Captain's having...

15. Hey, go tell the new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and
fly the plane...

[Editor's Note: Don't laugh ... </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Putting It All Into Perspective

A pilot who dies and goes to heaven. While waiting to check in he
notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing
strip. The twin pilot blows the landing -- collapses the nose gear
and strikes the props. He gets out of the plane and walks away.
Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown
landing -- same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.

The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed; he turns to St.
Peter and says, "What's the story with the twin pilot over there?"

"Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "He thinks he's a surgeon."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thinning The FAA Herd

On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San
Fernando valley and trying to keep track of traffic call outs.
Apparently there was a controller with a similar problem. He had
managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a
private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a
period of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them
that weren't quite what they wanted... and finally the commercial
jet pilot inquired as to where he was being sent.

There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops"
and 30 seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency
said: "Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a
factor."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Five Reasons Why Jessica Dubroff's Plane Crashed

5. Dad told her to fly as high as "Big Bird" flies.

4. Dad promised her a new bike as soon as they landed.

3. Hands got sticky from her lollipop.

2. Wanted Barbie to fly too.

1. Missed the Barney episode on how to fly in an ice storm.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Buzzard Error

Taken from the Last Page, _Motorcyclist_, September 1991

(The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background.
In the foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a
large bird from one wing tip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he
is tall...)

Perils of Road Testing No. 23

Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest
confirmed road kill ever recorded during _Motorcyclist_ testing. In
fact, due to the size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding
its demise, Holst was required to submit to interrogation by the
FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA, the National Audubon Society and the
Guinness Book of Records. We quote the official FAA report.

"During a routine evaluation session at _Motorcyclist's_ desert test
complex, staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate
of speed whilst quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test
unit. Operating under Visual Riding Rules, Holst sighted an
unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead, eating an
unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a
particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to
initiate its take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early
phases of a full-power climb-out when Holst (traveling at
approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a collision was imminent.
Holst's helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the right wing
root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the
bird's flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily
immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle.
Later examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to
its energy-absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.

"Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not
developing power after the initial collision and traveled in a
ballistic arc of substantial height, eventually impacting the ground
in a steep nose-down attitude. There was no fire after impact. The
bird was not transponder equipped and had not filed a flight plan.

"CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR"

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