Collage 261               H u m o u r N e t                9 MAY 96

First of all, sorry about the doubled "Many thanks..." line in
Collage 260 -- how that managed to happen is a long (and not very
interesting) story.

On a different -- but related -- note: When the program that
"constructs" the raw Collages builds the skeleton opener, it
includes a line right above my signature that reads,

"<if you're reading this line, I screwed up>."

The last step in Collage creation is the removal of this line --
thus, its presence is a warning to me that I haven't yet completed
formatting the Collage. I'm happy to report that none of you has
seen that line. Yet.

What many of you *have* seen is the original version of the Stupid
Criminal Hall of Shame that appeared on rec.humor.funny last night.
I didn't have to check r.h.f to realize that the piece had run -- the
300-plus subscriptions that came in today were confirmation enough.
(A big "welcome aboard" to our new members, BTW.) For our newer
membership: The Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame was recently updated,
and is archived as Collage 248; it can be retrieved from the HumourNet
archives (and/or Web page).

The anecdotes that appeared in both the original and the revised
SCHoS were all gathered by me from various media (see Collage 248).
Since the SCHoS generated such a flood of "stupid criminals" stories
from subscribers, I decided to institute a subscriber-contributed
Stupid Criminals feature here on HumourNet, to be run at irregular
intervals. The first edition ran in Collage 256; though I have other,
somewhat more pressing material to run, I decided that the rather
large influx of SCHoS-related subscribers warranted moving the
current collection of "stupid criminal" stories to the top of the
queue. So, without further ado, may I present the credits for today's
Collage:

Neil in Massachusetts brings us "Stupidity Abounds";

Kim in Maryland sends "Dumb and Dumber";

Lori, a prosecutor in metro Atlanta, contributes some firsthand
material with "Future Stupid Criminals, Take One," "... Take Two,"
and "... Take Three";

(Lori goes on to say, "This stuff never ceases to amaze me, and if
I didn't work here, I wouldn't believe the stories in your other
Stupid Criminal Collages." Lori, I only *wish* we were all making
this stuff up....)

Brad in New Zealand contributes "Stupid *and* Blind";

Robert in Toronto provides "The Well-Cooked-Criminal Hall of Shame";

Roni in Ottawa, Canada, sends "The Best-Laid Plans";

[Editor's note: Apparently, this one actually occurred in Davenport,
Iowa; the version that appears here is the revised version, with
many thanks to Leon in Iowa for the update. </vs>]

And Mike in Colorado completes the collection with the "Dubious
Achievement Awards, British Division." (This one isn't really stupid
criminals, per se; it's more "stupid people." But it warrants
inclusion here, even if only for the sheer humor value.)

As always (and I won't repeat the line this time), a huge thanks to
our contributors -- and a really big thanks to the small-I.Q. crowd
that makes collections like this possible: the stupid criminals,
themselves. May they live in utter disgrace. ;-)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Stupidity Abounds
Courtesy of Paul Harvey's radio news (and Neil's memory):

Two criminals took advantage of a traffic accident while they were
being transported, and used the opportunity to escape. Handcuffed
to each other, they fled down the street -- and came to a telephone
pole. One ran to the right, the other to the left...

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

One night, a purse snatcher grabbed a purse and attempted to evade
capture by running into a dark wooded area -- while wearing the type
of sneakers that light up with each step you take...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dumb and Dumber

According to WMIX, a local radio station in Baltimore, MD:

Three men robbed a liquor store, and were so excited that they
pulled if off, they began jumping up and down and ran out of the
store.

Sometime later, upon realizing that they had LEFT THE MONEY ON
THE COUNTER in all the excitement, they returned to the store --
whereupon the police officers who'd been called to investigate
promptly arrested them.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Future Stupid Criminals, Take One ...

This kid is a real thorn in his neighbors' side, because he has a
tendency to skip school and to have loud parties with his other
little friends who are skipping school during the day. The
neighbors call the police all the time, but somehow the kids all
manage to escape getting caught.

One day there is a really raucous party going on. The neighbors, as
usual, call the police to put an end to it. When the police get
there, they knock on the door, and only one child is there -- the
one who lives in the house. He tells the officers he is the only
one home, and he is at home sick. The officers ask for permission
to search the house, and he gives them permission. They find no
other children.

Well, just as the police are about to leave, the ceiling gives way,
and a multitude of children fall through, apparently too heavy for
the attic floor they had been hiding on.

How do you explain that one to Mom?

[Editor's Note: How about, "Mom, I'm practicing for a feature piece
in HumourNet's 'Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame.' I think I'm doing
pretty well; how 'bout you?" </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Future Stupid Criminals, Take Two ...

The police get a burglary-in-progress call. The first officer
arrives on the scene and is walking around the house investigating.
He sees a broken window and speaks into his radio, announcing that
he has found what must be the point of entry.

As he is talking, a burglar, not bothering to look out the window,
apparently goes to make his escape by jumping out the window he
broke to get in. He lands directly on the cop. The officer
promptly arrests him.

Almost immediately after he gets the kid cuffed, another brilliant
soul, again not looking out of the window to see what is going on,
drops out the window and lands on the cop. The cop promptly cuffs
the second one.

Turns out there is a third kid in the house. He goes to go out the
front door, but sees some more officers and the owner starting to
come in that way, so he turns around and -- that's right -- jumps
out the same window that his other buddies jumped out of and --
you guessed it -- lands directly on the police officer, who is now
out of handcuffs. (He managed to hold the kid until a second officer
assisted with another set of handcuffs).

P.S. -- The cop was out for two weeks for injuries sustained from
the burglars landing on him.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Future Stupid Criminals, Take Three

This kid goes to his hearing, and the hearing gets continued. The
sheriffs are bringing him back to jail, and they have his hands
shackled in the front. Somehow, right outside of the detention
center, he manages to get a good punch in to the sheriff that is
escorting him, and he takes off running and escapes the premises of
the detention center.

So he goes running down the street, hands shackled and all, and just
about gets away.

How did they catch him?

After getting about 500 yards down the road -- and passing a bunch
of miscellaneous buildings -- he sought refuge in the lobby of one of
the buildings along the way.

The building he selected happened to be the GBI. (Georgia Bureau of
Investigations)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stupid *and* Blind

WHANGAREI, New Zealand (AP) -- A drunken driver who wanted a bite to
eat ended up helping police take a bite out of crime.

The 21-year-old woman pulled up to a police van on a country road 80
miles north of Auckland on Saturday, apparently thinking the van was
selling meat pies (a popular snack food in New Zealand).

"Two male passengers got out and sprinted up," said Senior Sgt.
Alastair Ward. "They got within a certain distance before pulling
up, and one was heard to say 'That's not the bloody pie cart.'"

In fact, it was part of a drunken-driving checkpoint.

The hungry passengers ran back to the car, but couldn't get away
before an officer tested the driver for intoxication. Her
breath-alcohol reading was well over the legal limit.

The police van had foot-high "Police" signs painted on its sides,
and would be hard to mistake for a commercial meat pie cart -- a
roving diner on wheels.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Well-Cooked-Criminal Hall of Shame

"Somewhere around Townawanda, NY": A burglar decides to break into
a mall by popping the ventilator hood on the roof and dropping down
the shaft into the mall at night when everything's quiet.

Unfortunately, he picked the grill exhaust for a large restaurant
stove. He also got stuck in the shaft and passed out.

A day or two later, restaurant workers noticed a very bad smell in
the area -- after which a very dead, very cooked burglar was removed
from the shaft.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Best-Laid Plans ...

Davenport, Iowa: As part of a gang's initiation, the prospective
member was required to complete a robbery -- rob someplace,
anyplace, and you're in. The little 14-year-old rocket scientist
decided to rob a Dunkin' Donuts.

Needless to say, he was promptly arrested.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dubious Achievement Awards, British Division

The following is excerpted from the British Sunday Express, giving
Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions:

"Tortoise Trophy"
To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in
the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to
include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.

"Rubber Cushion"
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid
cream and glued his buttocks together.

"British Cup"
To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria,
who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged
in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained
when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking
compartment.

[Editor's Note: What's the beef? The first part was free
entertainment; the "aftermath" was clearly a violation of that
compartment's post-coital protocol. Had they planned for the
occasion somewhat better, they would have chosen the smoking
compartment. </vs>]

"Flying Cross"
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft,
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately
eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding
his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy
from first to third place.

"Lazarus Laurel"
To Julia Carson, who, as her tearful family gathered round her
coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked
what the hell was going on. Subsequent celebrations were short-
lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie,
immediately dropped dead from shock.

[Editor's Note: Of course. The "conservation of corpses" theorem
must always be obeyed. </vs>]

"Silver Bullet"
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

[Editor's Note: Talk about "thinning the herd" ... :-) </vs>]

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