Collage 262               H u m o u r N e t               13 MAY 96

Sorry if the Collage openers have been a little thin lately, but
I've been just a wee bit busy with work these days. And, in the
spirit of the moment, I have opted to throw together a "work"
Collage, starting with some rather interesting news pieces:

<Reuter news wire>

HANOI, Vietnam -- A farmer in central Vietnam has locked himself in
his house with a giant sweet potato, the Lao Dong daily said
Thursday.

(Ya just gotta *hate* days like that....)

Weighing in at 187 pounds, the sweet potato was discovered by Vo Nhu
Da last Saturday. But word of his find spread fast and before long
he was inundated with throngs of curious visitors.

(Let me get this straight: People flocked to his place to see a ...
*sweet potato*? Barnum & Bailey would make a *killing* if they
toured there.)

"Hearing about the strange sweet potato, people came thousands of
times to Da's house for a look, and so he had to take it into a room
and lock the door," the paper said.

(Well, this about wraps it up: Since he didn't put a sign out front
and charge each visitor fifty cents for a peek, I guess there's no
hope that Vietnam will *ever* establish a market economy.)

<And more fun from the Reuter news service>

BUCHAREST, Romania -- A Transylvanian mayor has come up with an idea
to stop city employees from leaning on their shovels instead of
working: make the handles too short.

(Guess he never considered pointy handles.)

"The handles should be shortened so that they can no longer be used
as a leaning point by those who meditate while at work," Gheorghe
Funar wrote in a letter to the Cluj council works department; he
said he wanted to end the "present working system (where) one man
works while another 10 colleagues and bosses watch, comment and
advise."

(Hmmm ... If we traced the ancestries of highway construction
workers in the U.S., I wonder if we'd find a Transylvanian link?
Wouldn't be too surprising -- we've already established that link
with U.S. lawyers, albeit for different reasons.)

</Reuter>

Speaking of having fun at work, Al in Redondo Beach, California,
sends us a tidbit from the Very Large Aerospace Firm(tm) where he
works. To really enjoy this one, though, you had to be around for my
most recent "admin" message of April 20, in which I mentioned:

     Back when my brother was first learning how to send e-mail
     outside of CompuServe -- something that I now regret having
     taught him -- he sent me a message that contained the note
     "Call me if you don't receive this message." Either *he* was
     adopted or *I* was adopted; there's simply no way we're related.

At the time, I had merely tossed that one out for grins -- but many
of you really seemed to have enjoyed it, and I've received several
HumourNet contributions since then with the note appended, "Call me
if you don't receive this message." So much entertainment, and all at
my brother's expense. (Rule #37 from the "Sibling Survival Handbook":
Don't let your brother moderate an Internet mailing list, lest your
very existence become a living hell. Worse still, you cannot save
yourself by unsubscribing, because He can Re-Subscribe you. :-)

So, following through in the spirit of things, Al (remember him?)
sent me this one today:

"Here's an e-mail that got distributed after we were evacuated to
the parking lot [because of] a small chemical fire."

----- Begin Included Message -----

SUBJ: THE POST FIRE RETURN TO BUILDING S024 AND S025.

USERS -- THE FIRE SITUATION OUT THERE HAS BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.

ALL MAY RETURN TO THE BUILDINGS NOW.

THANK YOU.

----- End Included Message -----

Apparently, my brother got himself a job with the Very Large
Aerospace Firm(tm). (Congrats, bro.)

And so, we come to the first "Employment Humor" Collage -- something
that most of you out there can appreciate, since most of you are
reading this at work right now. :-)

Kicking things off is Randy Cassingham (of THIS is TRUE fame) with
"Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in the Corporate World";

(Note: Entry number 27 in this series, added posthumously, was
contributed by Dr. Mike in Baltimore.)

Karen in Colorado follows up with "The Plan";

And Elisa in Maryland assumes responsibility for "18 Easy Ways to
Stay Unemployed."

Many thanks to this Collage's contributors -- and a special thanks,
once again, to Jim in L.A. for the news stories.

Work hard!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in the Corporate World

1.  Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2.  You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

3.  There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.

4.  Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6.  Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

7.  The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8.  The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9.  Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10.  Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11.  Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12.  Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13.  Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14.  I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15.  Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16.  If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
everybody.

17.  All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

18.  If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.

19.  One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

20.  By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

21.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

22.  The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

23.  There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

24.  This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

25.  Never wrestle a pig.  You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

26.  The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

27. The first rats off of the sinking ship are the best swimmers.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Plan

In the beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumption.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves saying, "It is a crock of [crap],
and it stinketh." And the workers went to their supervisors and
said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor
thereof."

And the supervisors went unto their managers saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and it is very strong -- such that none will
abide by it."

And the managers went unto their directors saying, "It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide by it's strength."

And the directors spoke amongst themselves saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth.  It is very strong." And
the directors went unto the Vice Presidents saying, "It promotes
growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying, "This new
plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with
powerful effects."

And the President then looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good.

And The Plan became Policy.

And this is how **it happens!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 18 Easy Ways to Stay Unemployed

Resume Bloopers from Robert Half:
(These are purportedly real examples from real resumes)

* Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

* Responsibility makes me nervous.

* They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.

* Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.

* I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

* The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three previous
employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

* While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of
responsibility.

* I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

* Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my
employer does not know I am looking for another job.

* My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

* I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

* Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

* Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

* Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

* Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

* Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

* I'm a rabid typist.

* Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
operation.

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</collage262>